Reel Bytes

The Fartist

2012-02-06T14:26:00.001-08:00

The Artist is very good, but I wish it had more dancing like it has at the end. I wish it had dancing all the way through. Oh, okay, I wish it were just an actual old-timey movie. It's fine, though.

But I did just see The Guard again, and holy fuck is that a good movie. Everything about it is perfect. Go see it.

What I Do Have Is a Very Particular Set of NOT FIGHTING WOLVES WITH BROKEN AIRPLANE BOTTLES ON MY HANDS

2012-02-06T14:09:00.000-08:00

Yeah, The Grey is total bullshit. It's marketed as a movie where Liam Neeson fistfights wolves, but he does no such thing. He wanders around Canada thinking about his daddy issues, trailed by some dudes who get picked off one by one by some ridiculous CGI werewolves that wandered over from Twilight.

I do like the scene when Liam Neeson asks god to help him, and when nothing happens, huffs "FUCK IT, I'LL DO IT MYSELF." But that's immediately nullified by the fact he says this after rolling around in a river for about 20 minutes and then just chillin (HA HA) in his wet clothes on a snowbank, instead of LYING THERE BEING DEAD OF HYPOTHERMIA.

I saw this movie in a special sneak preview thing where the director did a Q&A afterward. In true idiot auteur fashion, he scoffed at how everyone in his focus groups said "hey, you know how this whole movie builds up to a wolf fistfight and then the screen cuts to black and the movie's over and there's no wolf fistfight? That's total bullshit." He thought those people were so foolish not to understand his vision that it was MORE ARTISTIC to NOT SHOW the ONE THING THAT EVERYONE WANTED TO SEE. But he directed The A-Team, so I guess he knows from good cinema.

The Grey

2012-02-05T22:00:00.000-08:00

If you can think of ANYTHING ELSE WHATSOEVER to do, you should probably do that instead of watching this movie. I can't complain, because I received adequate warning but failed to give it proper credence. I'LL NEVER DOUBT YOU AGAIN, LADY BLOGPANTS.

Disneydisneydisneydisney

2012-01-23T17:53:00.000-08:00

I've been informed that I'm a giant slacker, but in all fairness to me, all the movies I've seen in the theater recently have not been new.

That's right, kids. I'm talking about Beauty and the Beast 3D. And Lion King before that. (Okay, yes, I did see Sherlock 2---maybe I'll get to that in a minute. If you're lucky.)

Sooooo, Disney 3D. I think I've whined about 3D on this blog before, and I still think its dumb because my brain and eyeballs get so used to it after about 10 minutes that I don't even realize I'm watching 3D anymore. However, seeing movies I saw as a kid up on the big screen again is FREAKING AWESOME.

I remember no spectacular 3D moments from Lion King, but the opening bit of Beauty and the Beast was pretty cool (where it cuts through the forest to the castle).

I wish they could make these 3D things as awesome as the 3D in the Disney Parks--where things actually look like they're flying out at you? And also maybe with the special effects (wind/water spraying, smells, etc.) How fucking rad would that be?

Tinker Tailor Soldier TOAST

2012-01-22T10:08:00.000-08:00

I had a very well-thought out, high-minded review planned for this very well-thought out, high-minded movie, but I wasted my day's allotment of brain cells trying to come up with a clever title for this review. Now all I can think about is the really loud toast scene. Holy crap, this movie has the loudest toast! Think about the loudest toast you have ever buttered and/or eaten, and then multiply it by about a billion. That would come somewhat close to being as loud as the toast in this movie.

That's the deal with this movie. It bombards you with overwhelming detail, within which the important pieces of the movie are subtly interwoven... nope, can't do it. Still thinking about toast.

Lady Blogpants' Top Five of 2011!

2012-01-17T13:09:00.000-08:00

THE BEST FIVE MOVIES OF 2011: YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST! (Probably actually not, since we're three weeks into 2012) (Also, I haven't seen The Artist yet, so there may be a revision to this list next week)

5. Trollhunter
A fine Norwegian movie about a guy who looks like my dad and also hunts trolls.

4. Young Adult
An excellent Patton Oswalt vehicle with one predictable plot flaw.

3. Bridesmaids
A solid comedyfilm with lots of laffs, needing only a tighter edit to be a true classic.

2. The Guard
An excuse for Brendan Gleeson to be totally rad. Keep an eye out for the buddy cop movie I'm writing for Brendan Gleeson and Liam Neeson. Not sure what to title it.

1. Attack the Block
HOLY SHIT ATTACK THE BLOCK!!!

Warrior!

2012-01-02T20:16:00.001-08:00

I can't believe Lady Blogpants hated this movie, but I think it has to do with how she also overlooks the awesomeness of MMA fights on tv, which are unarguably awesome. Really fit, sweaty, scantily clad dudes pounding on each other purely for my viewing enjoyment. I don't see what's not to like. I will concede that this movie would have benefited from less dialog.

Sherlock Holmes 2: Book of Secrets

2012-01-02T16:08:00.000-08:00

I have no idea what happened in this movie. There was a lot of mumbling and CGI things flying around but that's all I could figure out. I don't even have the energy to be mad at this thing, that's how dumb it was. Plus I just watched the first episode of Season 2 of the new BBC Sherlock series, and it's so many millions of times better than Sherlock Holmes 2: On Stranger Tides that I'm just going to pretend the movie never happened. Ahhh.

Mission Improbable 4

2012-01-02T16:06:00.001-08:00

I was on board with this entertaining cartoon for the first 90 minutes, but it continued for at least another 30 minutes after that, so I got real small and crawled into my empty popcorn bag for a nap.

I miss Jim Henson

2012-01-02T15:56:00.000-08:00

The first act of The Muppets is completely fucking amazing. It kind of winds down from there, with some way-too-slow parts, far more Amy Adams acting precious than is absolutely necessary, and a strange, unsatisfying ending. As my friend Courtney pointed out, it felt like a movie that had been meddled with by producers way too much. Jim Henson is sorely missed, and Disney can go fuck itself. But it's still a Muppet movie, and when the theme song from The Muppet Show started playing I got VERY excited, so I recommend this thing for your eyeballs.

Borrior

2011-12-22T10:14:00.000-08:00

Warrior is about two stupid brothers who like to punch shit. One of them looks like a muscley Conan O'Brien and the other one has a weird poofy back. Both of them have gross pasty skin and are sweaty all the time. There's actually a scene where one of them has the other one in a chokehold and yells I LOVE YOU TOMMY! Ridiculous.

Fuck you, Warrior.

Hey girl, I made you a movie

2011-12-22T10:04:00.000-08:00

I finally saw this movie last night after weeks (months?) of everyone I know saying OH you have GOT to see DRIVE. I was waiting for it to come to the New Beverly, which as you know, is the best place on earth. At this particular showing, there were a lot more people than usual who weren't New Beverly regulars, and one guy decided to try to make a loud jokey comment. He tried three times, and each time was instantly and loudly SHHHH'd by a vigilant regular, and it was simply delightful. WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE, NEW GUY.

Anyway, Drive is really good. It looks cool, sounds good, and is very well shot and edited so it has a distinctive rhythm. Okay, it's basically a 90-minute music video, but for some reason it works. I thought I might hate this movie, but I didn't.

The Guard!

2011-12-21T13:52:00.000-08:00

Holy crap you guys, I forgot I saw The Guard! This is a very excellent movie. Brendan Gleeson is always good, but he's extry good in this one. He acts circles around Don Cheadle, which is hard for me to say because I love Don Cheadle. I guess you could call me a true Cheadliever. No? Fair enough.

The Guard: recommended!

Young Adult

2011-12-08T22:15:00.000-08:00

Hey, did you guys know I live in Los Angeles? And get to do all kinds of good movie stuff you can't do most other places? I'm not sure if I've mentioned that before on this blog. Due to my living in this wonderland, I got to see a SUPER DUPER SECRET SNEAK PREVIEW of Young Adult a couple of months ago, with the usual star-studded Q&A afterward and everything (YAWN).

And it was really good! Really really good! Unique and dark and hilarious in parts and tragic in other parts. Patton Oswalt deserves a best supporting actor Oscar nomination (which he won't get), and Charlize Theron is much better than I would've guessed from seeing her on Arrested Development. The script is pretty great, except for one trite plot point that ends up being the movie's one flaw. I can overlook that, though, because it's a little misstep in what is otherwise SO GOOD.

Young Adult: go see it!

The Descendants

2011-12-08T12:30:00.000-08:00

Clooney Clooneys all over the place in The Descendants, ably assisted by his trusty sidekick Hawaii. I really liked this movie.

Clooney Is Human :(

2011-12-08T12:24:00.000-08:00

Well, Ides of March has all the components of a good movie, but is somehow not good. Gosling's character does a total 180 with no explanation or believable backstory, Evan Rachel Wood's character is likewise unbelievable (plus Wood is THE FUCKING WORST in EVERYTHING), and Clooney hardly Clooneys at all. I don't want to talk about it.

Contagion!

2011-12-08T12:11:00.001-08:00

You thought I forgot to finish reviewing all the movies I've seen since August, but I have not! In our last episode, I was sharing my hazy memories of Our Idiot Brother. Today, I will expound on what little I remember of Contagion! I actually remember quite a bit.

So you know how in most disaster movies, shitty filmmakers create one tiny ragtag bunch of survivors and only focus on those guys? While you sit in the audience yelling I WANT TO SEE THE GLOBAL IMPLICATIONS OF THIS EVENT AND HONESTLY COULD NOT CARE LESS ABOUT THIS REDEMPTIVE SCHLUB, SEXY SCIENTIST LADY, ONE TO TWO INNOCENT ADORABLE CHILDREN, AND EITHER A BLACK OR NERD WHO WILL DIE FIRST? Well, for once a movie doesn't do that, thanks to good old Steven Soderbergh. There are a handful of main characters, yes, but the movie jumps back and forth between them and shows a lot of nameless people dying of the ick as well.

Couple of things: casting Dmitri Martin as an epidemiologist was a bad call--very distracting--and Laurence Fishburne is a terrible, terrible actor. He's Morpheus in everything*, including this movie, which means he talks really slowly and is an idiot. Aside from those things, though, I recommend Contagion!

*The lone exception, of course, is his seminal role as Cowboy Curtis on Pee-Wee's Playhouse.

Breaking Dawn

2011-12-03T09:20:00.000-08:00

I secretly really wanted to see this, if only to see how awful it was. It did not disappoint. Things dragged on, dialogue was clunky, Kristen Stewart only changed her facial expression twice. Also, I don't know how she and Rob Pattinson can be a real-life couple, because they have absolutely no chemistry on-screen.

The birth scene was just as awesome and awful and everything else you could possibly imagine--all I could do was sit there and laugh--there are just no words.

High points: Jackson Rathbone only had to attempt his southern accent twice, the wolves are all still awesome, and they used some kind of awesome movie magic to make Bella/Kristen look really, really scary skinny, so that was kind of impressive. I can't bring myself to hate this entirely, maybe because it really amuses me. Heh.

Getting Ruddical with Our Idiot Brother (GET IT??)

2011-11-28T13:56:00.000-08:00

I don't remember too much about Our Idiot Brother. I remember Paul Rudd was his usual amount of good, and there was a cute doggy, and the sister characters were one-dimensional and stupid. Adam Scott was in it, and that's always nice. OH and T.J. Miller was really good in it. He's a comedian. That's how I know who he is. Because of my love for comedy. Laughter is the most precious gift, you guys.

Trollhunter

2011-11-28T13:43:00.000-08:00

Continuing the roll that Rare Exports started, Trollhunter is another fantastic Scandinavian movie about mythical creatures getting awesome in the woods. If this is a new genre, I am thoroughly on board. Do you hear me, Norwegian-Finnish Film Institute?

This movie is about some kids making a documentary about a guy who has a top-secret job hunting trolls, and the guy looks a lot like my dad, which is pretty neat. (All my movie ratings are based on how much characters look like members of my immediate family). The trolls are SCARY and RAD and I LIKED THIS MOVIE A LOT.

Back in the Saddle!

2011-11-28T13:38:00.000-08:00

Hello, four faithful readers! I am heartily sorry I haven't reviewed anything lately--I was busy writing the Guinness Book of World Records Longest Thesis of All Time. But I kind of kept track of what movies I've seen since August, so now I'll review all of them using my extremely faint memories! Get ready for the next post!

The Help

2011-09-07T19:28:00.001-07:00

Wow, Hollywood. Bravo!

I laughed, I cried, I hated the villain, and I loved the heroine(s)...what more could a girl ask for? It was thought provoking (its hard to think that just 50 years ago we had that kind of shit going on in this country), and I was never bored. Now I need to read the book.

Attack the Block Again

2011-08-13T14:32:00.000-07:00

I saw Attack the Block again and it continues to be awesome. It's finally been released in the U.S., so if you live in Los Angeles, New York, Seattle, Chicago, Austin, or San Francisco you can see it now. Starting August 19th, you can also see it in Boston, Orlando, Dallas, Atlanta, DC, or Phoenix.

If you live in Reno, you can instead see the exact same eight shitty movies that are playing at all four theaters in town, since they're all conveniently owned by the same company. I hear Glee in 3D hasn't technically killed anybody yet.

Cowboys and Aliens

2011-08-11T16:50:00.000-07:00

I don't know what the hell you people are bitching about. Did you see how tight Daniel Craig's clothes were in this movie? Dude wore the fuck out of those chaps, plus his shirt came open or off a LOT. Did we have to look at any naked ladies? NO. Harrison Ford grandpa'd it up all over the Old West, and Sam Rockwell was even in it as the cutest old-timey bartender I ever did see.

This was a veritable cornucopia of hot guys past and present, with beautiful New Mexico locations and surprisingly accurate set and costume design. Plus aliens. What more can you possibly ask for? More hotness? Possibly, but if this movie had Ewan McGregor in it too I would've fainted right onto my fainting couch.

Yes, it was way too long, but on the whole I consider it a little gift from heaven...OR OUTER SPACE!

Franco of the Planet of the Apes

2011-08-11T16:43:00.000-07:00

This movie is completely idiotic, but it's not like you don't know that going in, so I'm not going to waste time making a list of every stupid thing that was stupid even by CGI monkey movie standards.

What I will do is tell you I got shushed by my own companions twice during this movie. Once, after a character talked about profit and money and the bottom line for the 18th time in 3 minutes and I yelled SO WHAT'S THIS GUY'S MOTIVATION? And then again, when John fucking Lithgow showed up with crazy eyes and started playing the piano and I went OH NO. I stayed pretty quiet for all the monkey parts, though.

YES I KNOW APES AREN'T MONKEYS

Bridesmaids

2011-08-11T16:18:00.000-07:00

With some tighter editing, better writing for Maya Rudolph, and the excision of the food poisoning scene (aka Hey 14 Year Old Boys Look at Us We're Puking and Shitting Too This Isn't a Chick Flick Tell Your Friends), this would have been one of the best comedies ever made. As it is, it's a solid movie with a lot of hilarious laffs and some good believable characters--Kristin Wiig and Melissa McCarthy's manage to balance out Rose Byrne and Maya Rudolph's weirdly one-dimensional ones. Plus it has Roy from the IT Crowd! Hi Roy! I was Moss at Comic-Con!

The main thing about this movie, though, is that it was clearly written by women, for women, with jokes that are aimed at women*, and unlike most movies supposedly for women, it actually LIKES WOMEN. Thanks, Kristin Wiig! I haven't seen a movie written FOR ME since, what, Thelma and Louise? Is this what it feels like for 14-year-old boys every time they go to the movies? DADDY LIKE!

Bridesmaids: see it if you like things that are rad!

*Exhibit A: when Wiig tells Jon Hamm about her fictitious other boyfriend "George Glass" and he mushes her boob around like every other guy who's never learned what nipples are for and says "yeah but can he do THIS?" and she says "Probably." My buddy and I died laughing all over the theater. Also, George Glass was Jan Brady's imaginary boyfriend, so that's pretty awesome.

Cowboys Vs. Aliens Vs. Indiana Jones Vs. Indians Vs. Aliens

2011-07-31T15:15:00.000-07:00

I have not been so disappointed in a movie since Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Even Shia LaBeouf couldn't have made this movie any worse. Well, maybe he could have. Anyway, the point is, I don't understand how you could make a movie with Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, cowboys, and aliens, and have it be so infuriatingly dull. At first it was fun watching Harrison Ford enjoy hamming up his awful, one-dimensional robot cowboy character, but eventually even he got bored with it. My advice to the purveyors of this crap: go back and add lots of nude Daniel Craig. Oh yeah, and take out all the dialogue and all the other characters. Then this movie would suck less.

Super 8

2011-06-22T08:17:00.001-07:00

To be honest, I expected this to be a lot scarier. That is not to say that I didn't jump out of my seat every five minutes (making my friend laugh hysterically), but the previews I'd seen had made it seem much creepier.

At any rate, although the main cast consists of kid actors, they were very good. Good characterizations, and funny. I don't know why Elle Fanning is getting so much more attention than Joel Courtney, though. He was fabulous and adorable; she was okay--I mean, not bad, but I wasn't like, "Wow, that girl is going to kill it someday!" I can only assume she's getting so much attention because she happens to be Dakota Fanning's kid sister.

The monster was scarier when we couldn't really see him--I did love the small reflection in the gas puddle early on, though (my friend missed it, so look out for it!) Loved being able to see the actual Super 8 film at the end--too funny!

Overall, I enjoyed myself. The film has its scary moments, and even some gory ones, as well as plenty of comedy and explosions. It does have a Disney-like ending, however, so if you're expecting a bloodbath, you'll be disappointed.

HOLY SHIT ATTACK THE BLOCK!!

2011-06-20T22:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I've mentioned this a thousand times, but I live in LOS ANGELES, the movie capital of the non-Indian world, and I get to see a lot of movies that other people don't. My life is pretty amazing, you guys. So a couple of months ago my brother got special sneak preview tickets for Attack the Block, a British alien invasion movie which hasn't even come out in the UK yet, and might NEVER come out in the US because distributors are nervous about all the thick Britsy accents in the thing. Which is ridiculous, but whatever, I got to see it in a theater with a bunch of hyper nerds and my DVD player is multiformat, so THERE, idiot American distributors.

I just realized I'm being overly detailed in "setting the scene", just like the shitty restaurant reviewers in the Reno News and Review. "My cousin and I were playing Boggle all afternoon and we realized we were hungry! So we got in the car and buckled our seatbelts and drove to Petey Po's Pizza Pie Palace. We parked in the parking lot that was associated with the restaurant, alongside some other cars that were parked in the same lot. When we walked in via the door, I noticed that this restaurant had tables AND chairs! Many of the tables had multiple chairs at them, which is good, because like I said, I was with my cousin, so there were two of us. The decorations on the walls were of many pretty colors, and were mostly attached to the walls (interior) with little nails and pushpins. I enjoyed the colors! We ate a pizza and went home."

OK, anyway, I don't care how many more movies I see this year, I can tell you right now that Attack the Block is the best film of 2011. The basic premise is that aliens attack a housing project in London, and a bunch of teenagers instantly fight back and it is fucking AMAZING. It's the perfect mix of scary funny action, with just the slightest bit of sentimentality that is done so well, with such a light touch, that it almost makes me cry just thinking about it. If you get a chance to see this movie, oh my god, do it.

ATTACK THE BLOCK!

Hesher

2011-06-20T22:30:00.000-07:00

Hesher is a bit of a mixed bag because it's a boring lame indie movie wrapped around one of the greatest characters I've ever seen onscreen. Is it worth seeing? I'm not sure. Every once in a while, Hesher bursts in through the fourth wall of another dreary movie about Dysfunctional People Dealing With Life and does all kinds of awesome shit, and those parts of the movie are amazing. This Joseph Gordon Levitt kid, he's the real deal. The problem is, there aren't nearly enough Hesher parts, and there are way too many Sad Kid with Dead Mom parts. Oh, speaking of which, get ready for my Super 8 review.

X-Men: First Class

2011-06-18T11:07:00.000-07:00

I had high hopes going into this one. James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender? YES PLEASE. (You may recall my weird crush on Fassbender from previous posts).

SPOILERS AHOY!

I was a little disappointed, to be honest. Sure, there's decent special effects and action (I sort of loved the sequence where Erik/Magneto goes into the South American bar and causes havok--HAHAHA no pun intended!!), though to be honest, I hated the effect for Emma Frost's "diamond" form--boo! I also didn't like that they had Mystique and Prof. X meet as children and become like...best buddies/brother and sister. What? If my googling skills are up to par, I'm pretty sure that's not at all what happens in the comics. SIGH.

Also, while they did develop a friendship between Magneto and Prof. X (which was bromance at its best), it ended really quickly--I had gotten the impression from the other films (which may or may not have anything to do with this one?? I'm unsure) that they were friends for YEARS and YEARS before having their falling out--I mean, we see them go recruit Jean Grey together as older men, right?

I guess that's where I'm the most confused--does this movie have anything to do with the previous three? I want to say yes, because they harken back to Rebecca Romijn as Mystique, they use the opening bit with Magneto pulling the fence at the ghetto/camp as a teenager, Wolverine makes an appearance--but then other things just don't match up (as mentioned above).

I hate when movies confuse me, so this one gets a B. SO THERE.

The First Grader

2011-06-18T10:59:00.000-07:00

I am such a slacker. I keep seeing movies and not reviewing them. Ah, summer.

Anyway, I am often coerced into seeing artsy movies with my mother; more often than not, I go in kicking and screaming only to leave having loved what I saw. Mothers are annoying like that. You'd think I'd just accept her judgement and move on, but no. Apparently I'm still stuck in my teenage ways many years later.

The First Grader is a sweet movie, based on a true story (but we know how that goes in Hollywood). The actor who played Maruge (the old man who is going back to school to learn to read) was excellent--just the right mix of quiet sadness and determination. I thought the flashback sequences could have been a little clearer--it wasn't obvious at first what was going on (like...if it was something happening simultaneously in other part of the country, or really WAS a flashback). Overall, it's not the BEST independent film I've seen, but it was sweet.

POTC Part Four!

2011-05-31T20:39:00.000-07:00

I have a complicated relationship with the Pirates movies. I loved the first one, but as I was driving home from the movie theater my car was totaled by a drunk driver running a red light. He didn't even get a ticket, by the way - the cop said he thought the accident was "punishment enough". WTF? Other people can drunkenly careen through red lights and into my car and not get a ticket, while I got a ticket once for riding my horse in the park on the wrong day of the week (p.s. eff you, Chico!).

I saw the second one at the precious old-timey theater in Ely, and was so bored that I slept through what I hoped was most of it. I was angry when I woke up and still had twenty minutes of boring to sit through. I was so mad at the second one that I never even bothered going to the third one.

So, it was with some trepidation that I went to the fourth one, especially since we went to the same theater where I saw the first one (I took a different route home this time). Luckily for me, the movie was entertaining and not associated with any traffic accidents. Despite the fact that Jack Sparrow as a romantic lead is a little bit of a stretch, and the obvious truth that Penelope Cruz is an actress best suited for silent films, the movie was fun to watch and full of predictable but still awesome Jack Sparrow antics. Aaaaaand that hot guy with no shirt on. I'm hoping the next one is less G-rated.

Kung Fu Panda 2

2011-05-30T07:47:00.000-07:00

As you may recall, I freaking loved the original Kung Fu Panda. I thought it was pretty flawless. The sequel, therefore, had a lot to live up to.

It did a pretty good job: I laughed, I made "aww" sounds, I may have cried a little. I didn't think it was as funny as the first, though, but the story was still excellent. There was actually some character development from the first film, which is an amazing accomplishment these days in Hollywood, let alone in an animated film. So, I can't say that it's up there with the original, or How to Train Your Dragon, but still a very well done little movie. B+!

-------------------------------
In other news, why the holy fuck are they making a "Happy Feet 2"?! Seriously? I HATED the first one (and I'm the Disney nerd!) UGHHHHHH.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

2011-05-30T07:37:00.000-07:00

Initially, I wasn't sure what this would be like. I saw various reviews of this movie prior to actually watching it, and they seemed to be polar opposites: some people freaking loved it, others hated it and wished Johnny would just quit already. I loved the first Pirates movie (when most critics didn't), but was mainly "meh" about the next two. Would this be better since it had a partially different cast? Would it be worse?

I am here to inform you that it is better. Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush are awesome (as always), Penelope Cruz doesn't suck (it's true!), and Ian McShane is an awesome bad guy. Also, things blow up, there's a hot guy without a shirt on for much of the movie (though, he does not hold a candle to Thor, I'm afraid to say) and there are fucking crazy-awesome mermaids! (And also a small love story, and we all know I'm a sucker for anything even remotely romantic).

I do, however, have two problems: 1) Despite Ian McShane being awesome, I sort of always pictured Blackbeard as being a little more...unbalanced. He had a creepy, calm vibe (which is great), but I would have loved to see him being just a touch more psychotic. 2) The very last scene was dumb.

Yay movies!

Thor

2011-05-07T13:37:00.000-07:00

One word to Chris Hemsworth: Hel-lo!

This was not my favorite of the Avengers "series" of movies, but I didn't hate it either. Could've used more shirtless Chris Hemsworth, for sure.

I liked the "earth" parts far more than the "Asgard" parts, because I hate when things are so completely computer generated that they're too perfect. It was beautiful, but also slightly...off. I don't know how to explain it.

However, the fight scenes were excellent, things blew up, and I laughed. Also, it has Ray Stevenson in it, whom I love because he is awesome. I was afraid Natalie Portman would ruin this (not a huge fan of hers), but I actually liked her character, so that's a step in the right direction. Gotta say, though, I loved Kat Dennings (her sidekick) much more.

The Conspirator

2011-05-01T19:01:00.001-07:00

The beginning of this film had me worried (when Lincoln gets shot. SPOILER!) Something about it was haphazard; the editing seemed strange and the dialog was bad--I would have rather seen the drama of that event without all the cuts back and forth between the main characters (and stupid Alexis Bledel, who made me cringe every time she was on screen--I could have done without her and her character in general). I suppose it was meant to be an all-in "here's everyone and their backgrounds!" all while Lincoln gets shot, but it wasn't done well.

Overall, though, I liked it. Robin Wright and James McAvoy were quite good, and I really liked Evan Rachel Wood's performance as the daughter. I'd probably see it again, but it's not my favorite historical drama.

How to Bore Even the Most Hard-Core Oregon Trail History Nerd to Fucking Death

2011-04-26T14:41:00.000-07:00

1. Get her all excited by choosing a real historical thing (a trail cutoff) with some real historical characters (the titular Meek), and then do a good job with authentic costumes and props--this will help her get past the fact that an emigrant party of only three wagons in 1845? PLEASE. SERIOUSLY.

2. Make sure nothing interesting happens. At all. They find an Indian and then a wagon falls over.

3. Also make sure the music is boring as fuck so the movie doesn't even work as a scenic movie to have on in the background on Saturday movie.

All that said, I didn't hate Meek's Cutoff. The locations are very pretty and made me miss the Great Basin. The one pioneer lady who isn't Michelle Williams or Moaning Myrtle gives perhaps the worst performance I've ever seen, so that's pretty entertaining. And no one can deny there is ample calico.

Hanna

2011-04-26T14:38:00.000-07:00

This movie could have cut out about 40 minutes' worth of footage of this weird albino kid running and still gotten its point across. And I want to live in the secret forest cottage from the beginning of the movie--it has a big fireplace with double-decker sleeping areas that look extremely comfortable. I'm tired.

Rio

2011-04-17T10:18:00.000-07:00

First, I would like to take a moment to thank Duran Duran for having a song that gets stuck in my head every time I see the word "Rio." (You're welcome everyone!)

I didn't hate this. Part of it made me laugh, parts I thought were stupid. I did NOT like the musical numbers--they didn't fit right and felt awkward (and I typically LOVE musicals!) I thought this would have been much better as a straight forward cartoon. The Will.i.am bird was my favorite.

Also, I much prefer Jesse Eisenberg when he's doing comedy, rather than a grumpy-faced goon, so it gets points for that.

Rio: Animation of Hate

2011-04-17T07:53:00.000-07:00

This movie is a slyly packaged anti-immigrant manifesto cleverly disguised as a cute cartoon for kids. It is a biting critique of the Anglicized Latino who has forgotten his roots, with sentiments echoing the real-life tensions between traditional culture and Americanization felt in immigrant communities, and between immigrants and those who stayed behind. At the end our hero, the immigrant bird "I'm too cool for the E" Blu, can achieve salvation only by returning not only to his cultural roots but to his actual home country, a thinly veiled assertion that immigrants should go back to where they came from. Undertones of colonialism can also be felt, such as when the poor little brown orphan boy must be saved by the white couple. George Lopez as the voice of the hen-pecked toucan is the ironic icing on this great big racist cake.

BATTLE LOS ANGELES

2011-04-12T15:55:00.000-07:00

I have fucking had it with filmmakers who make movies about Huge Disasters like alien invasions and catastrophic climate change and meteors smashing into the earth and spend the whole movie focusing on a small group of characters. I want to see wonders of the world getting leveled, panicky mobs, and wholescale destruction. I do not want to spend two hours watching a small group of soldiers carrying out a tiny mission in Santa Monica while all the cool shit is blowing up elsewhere.

That said, Battle Los Angeles has tremendously awesomely cliched dialogue and characters, including One Day from Retirement Guy, Rookie Guy, Guy with Everything to Live for Guy, Black Guy, Guy with Glasses and WWII-Era Communication Backpack Guy (the last two are actually the same guy), Guy with Chip on His Shoulder Guy, Sexy Veterinarian Lady Guy, and Adorable Child in Peril Guy. You can go see it if you want.

Paul

2011-03-20T11:12:00.001-07:00

I liked Paul, but as a fan of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, it pains me to say it could've been better. It felt like a movie that started out with a much funnier screenplay, then was test-screened and focus-grouped into a dumber, less funny movie designed to appeal to 14-year-old boys instead of the 35-to-40-year-old nerds for which it was originally written. I mean, come on--who's going to get the Star Wars and Aliens and Raiders of the Lost Ark references--a kid born in 1997, or me, the aforementioned 35-to-40-year-old nerd? THE ANSWER IS ME YOUR HONOR I REST MY CASE!

That said, Paul is entertaining and has Kristen Wiig in it, so you should probably go see it. Not every movie can be Shaun of the Dead, especially when Edgar Wright isn't involved. It's just a bummer to see something that so clearly started off awesome and then ended up less so.

Drive Angry SHOT IN 3D!

2011-03-08T12:39:00.000-08:00

William Fichtner's performance in this movie is the best thing I've seen in a while. He's basically doing a Nicolas Cage impersonation and it's totally amazing.

The rest of the movie is fine. It makes the right amount of not-sense and Nicolas Cage says "I never disrobe before gunplay" right before KILLING A THOUSAND BAD GUYS while SMOKING A CIGAR and DRINKING JACK DANIELS and oh yeah FUCKING A LADY.

Take Me Home Tonight. Wow.

2011-03-08T12:36:00.000-08:00

The first 20 minutes of Take Me Home Tonight are mind-bogglingly unpleasant and ill-advised. I don't know what the rest is like since that's when we stomped out and got a refund.

On the upside, I saw DUDAMEL in the lobby.

DRIVE ANGRY!

2011-03-01T11:04:00.000-08:00

A typical Nicolas Cage movie. Stuff blows up, he has awful hair, the plot is flimsy.

Actually, the best part of this movie is William Fichtner. He is deadpan and awesome.

Liam Neeson Has A Very Particular Set of Skills

2011-02-22T15:59:00.001-08:00

If you haven't seen Taken, I recommend you remedy that immediately. Liam Neeson yells and punches his way across France in the most amazing fashion, plus he says "WHAT I DO HAVE IS A VERY PARTICULAR SET OF SKILLS".

Unknown is no Taken. It's all right, but Liam Neeson is kind of timid and does not claim to have any particular skill set at all except for insisting everyone call him Doctor. He does that a lot. I made up for this movie's shortcomings by whispering many terrible "what I do have is a very particular set of [fill in the blank]" punjokes to my boyfriend.

I won't spoil anything for you guys, but let's just say someone in this movie has a very particular set of vials.

Black Swan

2011-02-15T10:03:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd be really annoyed by Black Swan, but I wasn't. It was interesting the whole way through, so I think it was good? Right? That French guy with the triangle head is always fun. You guys should watch Mesrine.

I guess the main thing this movie did was confirm my suspicion that ballet is a horrible torture thing that does bad stuff to your nails and also ballerinas are too skinny.

Lady Blogpants' Best of 2010

2011-01-25T12:09:00.000-08:00

2010 was definitely not as good for movies as 2009, but I managed to scrape together five I didn't hate. These are them!

5. Hot Tub Time Machine
OK, this movie isn't nearly as good upon second viewing at home, as opposed to first viewing at The Vista after a couple of El Chavo margaritas. But I still maintain it's a very good comedy. The editor, George Folsey Jr., also worked on Animal House and The Blues Brothers, and dude knows his shit.

4. The Social Network
Not as great as everyone says, but pretty damn good thanks to its screenplay and directing. As I predicted, Armie Hammer wasn't nominated for an Oscar for his amazing Winklevossing, which is a shame. But at least Justin Timberlake wasn't nominated either. His hair is too goddamn curly.

3. True Grit
This is just an excellent, straightforward western. I wish it had been more Coen Brothers-y, but I can't really complain about such a beautifully made movie.

2. Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World
Unlike Hot Tub Time Machine, this movie gets better every time I see it. So much happens so quickly that I really missed a lot on first viewing, but now I'm comfortable ranking it very close to Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. On a related note, director Edgar Wright is now my new secret movie director boyfriend and I will be VERY SAD if he ever makes a bad movie.

The one flaw in Scott Pilgrim is the Ramona Flowers character; it's hard to get past how boring and unlikable she is even though I know, I know, Scott Pilgrim is the type of shallow douchebag who would like a one-dimensional cipher like Ramona.

1. Rare Exports
I can't think of anything I'd change about Rare Exports. It's pretty perfect--original, well-written, hilarious, AND it stars a child actor I don't want to murder. RARE EXPORTS!

Black Swan: Blacker Than You'd Think (but not in a racist way)

2011-01-09T10:11:00.000-08:00

This movie contains 100% more blood and lesbian sex than I anticipated for a Natalie Portman ballet movie. Well played, creepy director!

The Second Coming of Tron

2011-01-09T10:08:00.000-08:00

Tron movies, what have you become?!?

Harry Potter and the Speech of the Stuttering Prince

2011-01-08T22:47:00.000-08:00

The King's Speech is pretty good except for the casting of Winston Churchill. The filmmakers picked the actor who played Wormtail in Harry Pottah and he spent the whole movie making a "look how hard I'm being Winston Churchill" face that cracked me up every time it was on screen.

I guess the good news is that now my brother and his girlfriend and I are constantly doing Winston Churchill impersonations and probably will be for a couple of weeks.

Fuck You, The Tourist

2011-01-08T22:38:00.001-08:00

UGH this whole goddamn movie is Angelina Jolie walking around with a smug look on her face while a bunch of European extras pretend to be awed by her beauty instead of horrified by her weird bony arms.

BLEAHHHHHHH.

Boorlesque

2011-01-08T22:30:00.000-08:00

Jesus, Burlesque. Don't you know gay guys don't automatically love every shitty goddamn movie musical that comes out? They like GOOD shitty goddamn musicals, and you, Burlesque, are not one. If I were a gay dude I'd be very insulted that some idiots thought they could throw together weirdly wigged Christina Aguilera, plastic surgery victim Cher (seriously, she looks like that puppet thing from the Saw movies), and Stanley Tucci's character from The Devil Wears Prada and get me to wiggle my jazz hands around while screaming GIRL YOU KNOW THIS!!!!

FILL YOUR HANDS, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

2011-01-08T22:23:00.000-08:00

I highly recommend True Grit. This is probably no surprise to regular readers, who are well aware of my love of all things old-timey, Jeff Bridges, and Coen Brothers. I will say this movie isn't as Coen Brothers-y as I'd expected, but it is a fantastic, solid western. It's nice to go into a movie trusting that the filmmakers aren't going to totally fuck you over. You can just relax and know justice will be done, with some delightful Matt Damoning thrown in.

Going to True Grit is like having a spa day. I predict this DVD will join my "relaxing Saturday afternoon western" rotation of Jeremiah Johnson and The Electric Horseman. Congratulations, True Grit. You made it.

Tron

2011-01-08T22:21:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I saw it.

Why I Love Living in Los Angeles, Exhibit A: Rare Exports

2011-01-08T22:12:00.000-08:00

When one lives in Los Angeles, one gets to see movies like Rare Exports, the most amazing Finnish Christmas horror movie ever made. Seriously, put this movie on your netflix queue right now. It's goddamn incredible. The filmmakers take everything several steps further than you expect them to, and it works every time. I don't want to say anything else and ruin everything, but I will say I do hope you like CGI old man dicks, because Rare Exports has a bunch!

RARE EXPORTS!

LAXNESS! SLOTH!

2011-01-08T22:11:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness, you guys, I've seen so many movies in the past month but haven't reviewed any of them. I'll do that now!

Cinemarella's Best and Worst of 2010

2010-12-31T10:40:00.001-08:00

I'm keeping it short and sweet this year.

WORST MOVIE OF 2010: LEAP YEAR
I fucking hated this movie. I went in with such high hopes, because the trailer looked so cute, and I love Matthew Goode and Amy Adams--but no. My hopes and dreams for this film were crushed and scattered, much like the movie theater popcorn that littered the theater's floor. Adams' character was so unlikable that you didn't want her to get EITHER of the guys, and if you can't root for one of the main characters in a rom-com, what the hell is the point? Ugh.

BEST MOVIE OF 2010: HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
Yes, I'm picking an animated feature. But how can I not? So funny, with great dialogue and voice acting, a great all around story, plus the cutest dragon in all creation. Instant win! This is also the only movie this year that I actually purchased on DVD, which I think says something.

Happy 2011 everyone! Let's hope Hollywood gets it shit together the coming year.

The King's Speech

2010-12-29T14:39:00.001-08:00

Not bad at all--Geoffrey Rush is fan-fucking-tastic. Colin Firth can do no wrong, of course, even when he's in an otherwise horrific film*. It felt kind of slow at parts, but there was enough humor spattered throughout to make it worthwhile.

*Don't let me kid you, I totally love What a Girl Wants...I can't help it!!

Tangled

2010-12-29T14:36:00.001-08:00

This was cute. I didn't think the songs were the best, but the dialogue and story made up for it--funny and sweet. Zachary Levi and Mandy Moore both did a great job with the voice acting, and the animal sidekicks were hilarious.

TRON

2010-12-17T17:08:00.000-08:00

Open disclaimer: I did not want to see this. I was convinced that I needed to (someone actually said to me, "How can YOU of all people, not want to see Tron?")

And so by the sheer force of peer pressure (everyone ELSE was going), I did. With that in mind, I can tell you that I did not hate this movie. Parts of it were cheesy, most of the dialogue was pretty bad, but the graphics were pretty and I liked the action. I'll leave it to Lady Blogpants to fill you in on the best/worst line in the whole damn thing.

ETA: I forgot to mention that my biggest complaint about this movie was that the young kid didn't look ANYTHING AT ALL like the adult actor he was supposed to have grown up to be. He had dark, curly hair and BROWN eyes, whereas the older guy had sandy hair and blue eyes. WTF CASTING DIRECTOR?

The Next Three oh who gives a shit

2010-12-07T19:06:00.000-08:00

BOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

I would feel vindicated for the 2 hours of my life wasted in this movie only if Russell "Chubby Face" Crowe and Elizabeth "Could I Be More Annoying" Banks pummeled each other to death MMA-style after the credits. This did not happen, so I remain angry.

Review of people going to watch the movie "Burlesque"

2010-11-29T20:25:00.000-08:00

Here's the deal. When you are standing in line at the movie theater concession stand to purchase snacks, you can reasonably assume that at some point this transaction is going to require you to hand over money. So please tell me why, after standing in an interminably long line while the weakest link behind the counter tries to figure out how to put soda in a cup, you get up to the counter, spend 5 minutes putting in a somehow complicated order for coke and popcorn, and then have to spend an additional 5 minutes searching for your wallet. Did you think that your order would coincide with that long-anticipated moment in human history when everything would suddenly become free? Were you going to barter for it? Were you maybe just going to flash your boobies and then run away? I don't understand why you were caught so off-guard when Ear Spool Guy told you that you owed him money. "What? I owe you 9.75? Well, I never. Here, let me spend a really fucking annoying long time looking through my giant Mary Poppins purse looking for this alleged money that you so surprisingly asked for."

In conclusion, this story symbolizes everything that is wrong with America.

Rocky's commentary on the above situation: How do you know they were going to watch Burlesque?
Jen's response: How do you know I'm not going to punch you in the face?

Another Short Movie Review: Burlesque

2010-11-29T10:29:00.000-08:00

I was promised that this movie would not be as bad as Glitter. This turned out to be an accurate assessment, but it also makes clear another issue, which is that "not as bad as Glitter" is not saying much.

Unstoppable

2010-11-15T13:06:00.000-08:00

DENZEL WASHINGTON IS TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT! CHOOOO CHOOOOOOOO!

Weird Science II: The Social Network

2010-10-07T12:46:00.000-07:00

This movie is pretty amazing because it's the perfect nerd fantasy: everyone will cheer you on while you write code, then Asian chicks will give you blowjobs because you invented Facebook, then you make a million no a BILLION dollars, and then you make fun of jocks to their face and they can't do anything about it because you're in a room full of grownups in suits. Also: everyone will be SUPER DUPER PSYCHED about Facebook the very first time they hear about it, because in this world Friendster and Myspace don't exist.

Yes, it's fictionalized, and makes no bones about it, so I don't want to hear your "but thiiis part wasn't truuuuue" baloney. Why would anyone want to know the truth about how some nerd invented Facebook? Oh, you sat around writing code and then you put it on the internet and then you got some venture capital? Oh. If I wanted to watch that for two hours I'd zorp back to 1997 and visit every single one of my friends who were doing the same thing.

Good ol walkin talkin Aaron Sorkin does a tremendous job of making it obvious which parts are extra-fake, mostly by inventing obvious coincidences: oh hi, inventor of Napster who happens to live across the street from me and was staring right at my chimney when it fell down so you came over to check if everything is okay and yes you can join my new business! Oh hey twins, I just heard about your big boat race--on FACEBOOK! That boat race scene is one of the coolest things I've seen in a movie in a long time, by the way.

Oh, and the Winklevoss twins are really really great. I just found out they were played by ONE GUY through the magic of digital wizardry, so he goes on my list of people who should get nominated for a best supporting actor Oscar but probably won't be.

THE SOCIAL NETWORK!

Catfish

2010-10-07T12:32:00.000-07:00

This movie is the biggest load of stupid indie bullshit I've ever seen. The only reason anyone goes to see it is because it's marketed as a movie full of MYSTERIOUS QUESTIONS, namely WHAT WILL HAPPEN? and IS IT REAL? Let me answer both questions for you. ANNOYING SHIT will happen and IT IS NOT REAL. After the first minute, I leaned over to my brother and said "it's fake." After the first ten minutes, I leaned over to him and said "if this doesn't end in a bloodbath I'm going to be VERY disappointed." After twenty minutes we weren't even bothering to lower our voices anymore and were just telling the stupid main character how much we hated him.

Now I don't want to spoil anything for you, but let's just say OH WAIT I DO want to spoil everything for you because this is a TERRIBLE MOVIE YOU SHOULD NOT SEE. There is no bloodbath, the whole goddamn thing is made up, and at the end the "dumb" guy magically unspools this whole ridiculous allegory about CATFISH so you're like "oh, how wonderful that this REAL NOT FAKE PERSON came up with the perfect allegory about his situation which ENCAPSULATES THE WHOLE GODDAMN MOVIE in a TOTALLY NATURAL AND UNMANUFACTURED WAY despite the fact that he's supposed to be HALF RETARDED."

FUCK YOU CATFISH!

Crappy movie I can't wait to see: Secretariat

2010-10-01T20:28:00.000-07:00

Holy cow, I can't wait to spend 2 hours watching Disney ruin the story of Secretariat! I can't imagine how seeing the movie will affect my review of what will surely be a classic Disney smorgasbord of ridiculous exaggeration and inaccuracy coupled with a cozy feel-good story, but I guess I should wait. I am looking forward to seeing how they make us all empathize with the richy-rich blue-bloods of Thoroughbred racing, possibly the most removed-from-reality people on earth. Secretariat is not exactly a rags-to-riches story; he's more of a really really fucking rich to even more really really fucking rich story.

That being said, I seriously can't wait to spend two hours watching horses run around on the big screen. I hope they don't muck it up showing stupid Diane Lane all the time.

Another short movie review: Easy A

2010-10-01T20:21:00.000-07:00

Thanks for ruining Huck Finn for everybody, asshats.

I am way behind!

2010-09-02T13:30:00.001-07:00

My goodness, I have seen THREE movies and not reviewed them! Let's get to it!

The Other Guys: funnier than I thought it would be. Marky Mark has such a weird face, though. Do you think his eyes and eyebrows and lips and hair and everything are all the same flesh color as his face, and he has to draw them in every morning? And do you suspect everything on his face has the texture of Silly Putty, so you have to be careful not to touch it lest your fingerprints become a permanent part of it? Me too.

Piranha in 3D: total boob and blood extravaganza, with superfluous Richard Dreyfus and Christopher Lloyd reprising their best-known parts from other movies. I don't care if you see this or not.

Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World: This was the last chance I was giving Michael Cera to prove he can play a character other than George Michael Bluth, and he actually pulled it off, playing a prick you end up rooting for anyway. This movie is way better than the commercials suggest, really entertaining actually, and if there were any justice in this world Kieran Culkin would get a best supporting actor Oscar nomination. There isn't, though, and he won't.

The Other Guys

2010-08-26T15:23:00.000-07:00

I feel like I should have liked this movie more than I did--it was funny, I was entertained, but I also felt like it wore itself a bit thin--jokes went on for too long, parts were too cheesy. It had such potential.

The Explodables

2010-08-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

It's not every day you get to see a straight-to-DVD movie in a theater. Also, the Willis-Schwarzenegger-Stallone scene is the best worst scene in the history of cinema. So you should probably go check out The Expendables right now.

The Nicolas Cage's Apprentice

2010-07-15T09:11:00.000-07:00

Spoiler alert: THIS IS A FUCKING KIDS' MOVIE.

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

2010-07-15T08:48:00.000-07:00

I had high hopes for this one, especially when Lady Blogpants and I saw Jerry Bruckheimer's fancy logo before it started. "This bodes well!" she said, and I agreed. Alas, I'm of the opinion that we totally jinxed it.

Nicolas Cage was pretty much the best part of this movie. Don't get me wrong, I love Jay Baruchel (he did the voice of the main character in my favorite movie so far this year), but I felt like he was stifled and his humor under-used.

Things were too corny, too sappy; it was like watching a giant cliche. This could have been SO MUCH better. (Also, SPOILER ALERT, "The Prime Merlin-ian"?? SERIOUSLY? Who bought this script? God, Disney, get your shit together.)

The best part was when Nicolas Cage yelled the line "BECAUSE I CAN READ MINDS!" and Lady Blogpants burst out laughing. I think the people around us thought we were nuts.

Another short movie review: Jonah Hex

2010-07-07T21:45:00.000-07:00

Was it really so hard to find two matching plain bay horses that you just hoped we wouldn't notice that in some scenes, Jonah Hex's horse has a white star on his forehead but in other scenes, he has no white at all? I WAS NOT FOOLED, JONAH HEX.

P.S. Scientific tests show that I would, indeed, still do Josh Brolin despite the presence of massive facial scarring.

Eclipse

2010-07-07T21:20:00.000-07:00

This movie comprises solid scientific evidence that a one-dimensional world is not, in fact, just a theory. I can't believe people actually like this movie or any of these characters or can sustain interest in this "storyline" for longer than 5 seconds. I think the Peeps version was better acted (What do you mean, nobody has made a Peeps version yet?). I've watched more interesting hairballs. Why on earth would two boys fight over Robot Bella, who is blander than vanilla icing on vanilla cake and has no discernible personality whatsoever? I heard that at one point in the movie they started using a cardboard cutout of Kristen Stewart instead of the actual human to save money, but they had to switch back because the cardboard cutout was too emotive.

There is a Facebook group called "When I was your age, it was Buffy and Angel, not Edward and Bella." Hmph! I knew Buffy and Angel, and you, Edward and Bella, are NO Buffy and Angel.

Knight and Day

2010-07-06T13:18:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is, but somehow I am falling more and more in love with Tom Cruise. Maybe I like crazy, I don't know.

Meanwhile, I rather liked this film. The ending is predictable, but kinda sweet, and Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz make a pretty good comedy duo. That being said, they show pretty much all the good parts in the damn trailer, which makes them less funny/anti-climactic when you're watching the actual film (douche-bag trailer-maker-person), but all in all I liked it. I don't know that I'll ever own it, but we'll see.

If you're unsure based on my review here, I should probably inform you that my mother LOVED this movie, wants to see it again, and has been downloading various songs from the soundtrack. Take that how you will.

ETA: Because I can't spell.

Jonah Hex

2010-07-06T13:08:00.000-07:00

I knew nothing about this one going in, except that Megan Fox wears a corset in it that makes her waist look TEENY.

Happily, it actually didn't suck. It came off as quite comic-booky, which is good since it apparently was one. Megan Fox didn't annoy me, and Josh Brolin is always awesome (residual Goonies love).

Also, this movie has one of my celebrity boyfriends in it (though, really, he's only my celebrity boyfriend in his 300 incarnation), as a pretty excellent minion of the main villain (John Malkovich, who is also pretty good, in case you care).

All in all, entertaining, stuff blows up, people die. Yay action films!

Twilight: Eclipse

2010-07-04T18:10:00.000-07:00

So of course I went to see Twilight III, and it was awful. But it wasn't any worse than I knew it was going to be, so I don't really have anything to say about it. I feel like we've come to some kind of agreement. The Twilight series agrees to have horrible writing, acting, and special effects, and in return, I agree to be in a movie theater eating popcorn.

Since I don't have anything useful to say, here's a picture of a DVD cover my brother and I photoshopped, printed, and used to replace the original cover on a Jennifer Garner movie we rented three years ago.

Get Him to the BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2010-06-14T15:20:00.000-07:00

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO [inhaaaaale] OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Shrek: The Final Chapter

2010-05-30T11:44:00.001-07:00

I think they should make a series of spin-offs staring Donkey and Puss-in-Boots, because those two are hilarious. They steal the show.

For it being the "Final Chapter" it wasn't a bang!wow! movie, but it was cute and funny in parts. How to Train Your Dragon still stands as my favorite animated feature so far this year (though, the upcoming Toy Story movie has potential). I should probably admit, though, that I refused to see this in 3D (because I think this whole 3D fad is stupid and I'm never impressed) so maybe I missed something.

On a more random note, I was disturbed that I was deeply amused and intrigued by the new Cats vs. Dogs promo that played before this movie. Might have to go see it.

Iron Man 2

2010-05-20T19:27:00.001-07:00

DISAPPOINTING.

Letters to Juliet

2010-05-17T19:30:00.000-07:00

Pretty cute. I didn't hate this one (unlike some OTHER ROM COMS [I'm still bitter]). That being said, I much preferred the love story between the two older people than Amanda Seyfried and the English kid, mostly because I was more amused by the English guy being a prick (awesome!)

The ending of this movie was completely lackluster, but the idea and first 3/4's were fun and cute.

Iron Man 2

2010-05-15T14:16:00.001-07:00

Me likey.

Mickey Rourke makes a fantastic villain, and I wish I had Scarlett Johansson's figure.

In other news, Robert Downey Jr. is still awesome and Don Cheadle is much more awesome without a fake British(ish) accent.

Kick Ass

2010-05-02T12:02:00.001-07:00

Kick Ass is not very good. It has a couple of good moments, mostly due to wise music choices, but otherwise is boring and dumb. This movie needed about 500% more Nicolas Cage and 1000% less Kick Ass kid.

OH BOY IRON MAN 2 COMES OUT THIS WEEKEND!

Movies I Don't Want to See: Sex and the City 2

2010-04-12T14:21:00.000-07:00

Ugh I just sat through the goddamned trailer for Sex and the City 2 and I almost killed myself right there in the movie theater. It was pretty much the worst thing I've ever seen. I can't put my finger on what's most depressing: seeing Sarah Jessica Parker in a lady tuxedo, hearing that tranny one from Big Trouble in Little China saying the words "Abu Dhabi", or knowing that a lot of women are going to go see this piss-drenched horrorshow and actually enjoy it. And then they're going to try to act like the horrible assholes of Sex and the City 2 (The Skankening) like it's a thing people should do. OK, I guess that last thing is the most depressing.

Now here's the rub: I didn't hate that TV show. I didn't love it, and I was annoyed by the "ladies love brand-name shoes" conspicuous consumption, but I liked that it was about four women who were friends. They didn't compete with each other or steal each other's menfolk, they were just friends, like normal ladies are in real life but hardly ever on the teevee. But that first movie, holy fucking hell, what a nightmare. All those stinky bitches did was change their outfits and have sex with gross dudes. It had none of the charm or humor of the original. Terrible. But you know what's more terrible? SEX AND THE CITY 2!

I mean, in this godforsaken thing, stupid turkey leg wearing a wig Sarah Jessica Parker walks into some sparkly room or whatever and actually says "We're not in Kansas anymore!" IN THE TRAILER SHE SAYS THIS. OH AH HA HA HA HA NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE. Even James Cameron had second thoughts when he had the bad guy say that line in Avatar. Oh, he used it anyway, but he hesitated for a moment and thought "wait, is this TOO hacky?" And I don't think it was in the TRAILER. Wait, was it? Actually, I think it was. OK, so cleverness-wise, at best Sex and the City 2 is at the Avatar level. AT BEST. Is this what we should be striving for, women of America? Is this what you want in your entertainment? AVATAR-LEVEL CLEVERNESS?

OMG YOU GUYS I'M SUCH A "MIRANDA"!!!!!!!!

Date Night

2010-04-12T14:17:00.000-07:00

Date Night is pretty good. Some of the jokes are bleh but more are funny, plus there's a car chase that's at least 60% real cars driving around and crashing into each other, not just shitty CGI + someone jiggling a camera. This movie is no Hot Tub Time Machine, but it's a solid comedyfilm.

Clash of the Titans in Three Dee!

2010-04-05T18:02:00.000-07:00

An Open Letter to Future Jen: The next time you're going to go watch a 3D movie, please remember that 3D movies make you want to hurl.

The 3D part of this movie isn't even that great. Overall, it was actually a little boring and the action more chaotic than interesting, but if you fill the screen with enough hot demi-god I can watch pretty much anything. However, I would like to point out that the flashing of hairy man-leg under a short tunic is not that sexy.

Additionally, I am over the Friesian horse fad. I don't mean this in a racist way, but Pegasus is supposed to be white, not black! Take your designer horse trend to another venue. I blame you, Martha Stewart!

How to Train Your Dragon

2010-03-28T10:06:00.000-07:00

As expected from DreamWorks these days, very cute and funny (also made me teary!) Not quite up to par with the wonderful Kung Fu Panda, but still fun.

I found Gerard Butler's voice a smidge distracting, but it might be because I watched Timeline the night before seeing this, and his Scottish accent was fresh in my mind. But don't worry, everything else (including awesome voice actors in Jonah Hill, Craig Ferguson, America Ferrera and Jay Baruchel; and the cuteness of that damn dragon) makes up for it.

ETA: I also forgot to mention: the music is awesome! And in case its not clear enough: I would totally pay to go see this again and I'll most likely own it ;)

HOT TUB TIME MACHINE!

2010-03-27T13:22:00.000-07:00

Holy fucking shit, Hot Tub Time Machine. I haven't laughed this hard in a movie theater maybe ever. It's perfectly cast, tightly written, well-edited, and is probably the smartest "stupid" movie ever made. I cannot recommend this movie highly enough. HOT TUB TIME MACHINE!

I Was Right

2010-03-10T10:25:00.001-08:00

Yeah, Alice in Wonderland was boring as crap.

Alice in Wonderland

2010-03-09T09:07:00.001-08:00

Johnny Depp's version of the Mad Hatter in this movie consisted of him mixing up a bunch of his other characters (including, but not limited to, Jack Sparrow, Willy Wonka and James Barrie, with a dash of Ichabod Crane and maybe some Sweeney Todd), with horrible results.

The only parts of this movie I liked were Anne Hathaway and the Cheshire Cat.

Movies I Don't Want to See: Alice in Wonderland

2010-03-05T10:53:00.000-08:00

Tim Burton is working my last goddamned nerve with his derivative bullshit and his sticking his stupid wife into every movie. I really don't want to see Alice in Wonderland, but I probably will because it's playing at the Vista and at least I'll get to dance to the jazzy pre-movie song about POPCORN! SODA!

Shutter Island

2010-02-28T10:15:00.000-08:00

This movie would be a fantastic psychological thriller except for its near total lack of psychological thrills and general non-fantastic-ness. However, I didn't hate this movie as much as Mary. I got to sit in a theater and eat popcorn and drink soda and watch Leonardo di-what's-his-face run around a spooky island, which is not a bad way to spend a snowy afternoon.

When in Rome...

2010-02-27T18:26:00.000-08:00

I did not have high hopes for this one going in, but was pleasantly surprised. I liked it! It was funny, and seemed to make fun of itself a bit, which always pleases me. This is the movie I wish stupid Leap Year HAD been (and could've been if they'd tried harder).

I mean, its a Rom-com. You know how it ends. But in-between there were some quality funny bits. Also, Anjelica Houston is awesome.

My only major beef is that Rome looked much cleaner than I expect it would in real life. One day I will actually go there and find out.

Shitter Island

2010-02-27T00:11:00.000-08:00

OK, here's my theory on Shutter Island. Leonardo DiCaprio had some Boston accent left over from his role in The Departed and didn't want to waste it, so Martin Scorsese just said "ehh, let's throw it in this crappy screenplay I just got the rights to."

Also, you know how all the film nerds (me included) hated the very last shot in The Departed? When the stupid rat runs along the stupid railing all "GET IT? THIS MOVIE WAS ABOUT A GUY BEING A RAAAAT!"? Well, Marty throws about a hundred thousand rats into a scene in Shutter Island APROPOS OF ABSOLUTELY NOTHING just to say "fuck you, film nerds. You didn't like my one rat? How about these hundred thousand rats? Huh? How you like that?" [wiggling eyebrows]

He also got his hands on a cello and a piano and did all the music himself. HOOOOOOONK! ME AND LEO CAN DO IT ALL OURSELVES! WE DON'T NEED YOU, FILM NERDS! PLINK! PLONK!

Boy, I did not enjoy this movie at all.

Saint John of Las Vegas

2010-01-31T23:25:00.001-08:00

Pleased to meet you, Saint John of Las Vegas. I'm Saint Mary of Bored Out Of Her Goddamn Mind.

Avatar

2010-01-24T21:57:00.000-08:00

I liked this movie better when it was called Dances with Wolves. That was a shitty movie, but at least it wasn't a shitty video game. Plus it had buffalo.

Up in the Air

2010-01-24T21:48:00.000-08:00

Jeez, I saw this movie about a month ago and haven't bloggered on it yet. Let's see. It has Clooney and airports and that lady from The Departed. I don't have anything snarky to say about it--it's original, really well done, and very truthful, with the best female characters I've seen in a long time, and a great ending. I'm not saying you'll love the ending, I'm just saying it is what it has to be. I am trying very hard not to spoiler this movie, which is really hard because there's also a kick-ass cameo. MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY. Oh shit I couldn't help it.