March 8, 2009
March 4, 2009
The Internationzzzzzzzzzz
Here are some thoughts that went through my head during this movie.
Minute 1: Uh oh, is this going to be one of those complicated movies where I don't understand anything?
Minute 5: Oh boy someone got poisoned! This movie's going to be exciting!
Minute 15: Hi Naomi Watts! I liked you in Eastern Promises! Ooh, is this movie going to be like Eastern Promises? It has Armin Mueller-Stahl too. That's eastern promising. Good one, Mary. Thank you.
Minute 30: Hold on, is this just a legal procedural? Did I just sign up to watch two hours of Law and Order? I was led to believe there would be explosions, and some nudity on the part of Mr. Owen.
Minute 60: This is the most bored I've ever been.
Minute 70: Halftime show! Shootout at the Guggenheim! Fuck you, modern art!
Minute 80: Bored again.
Minute 100: Is that Sting? What is Sting doing in this movie? Oh, boring the crap out of me.
Minute 120: I knew we should've gone to Tyler Perry's Medea Goes to Jail.
Minute 1: Uh oh, is this going to be one of those complicated movies where I don't understand anything?
Minute 5: Oh boy someone got poisoned! This movie's going to be exciting!
Minute 15: Hi Naomi Watts! I liked you in Eastern Promises! Ooh, is this movie going to be like Eastern Promises? It has Armin Mueller-Stahl too. That's eastern promising. Good one, Mary. Thank you.
Minute 30: Hold on, is this just a legal procedural? Did I just sign up to watch two hours of Law and Order? I was led to believe there would be explosions, and some nudity on the part of Mr. Owen.
Minute 60: This is the most bored I've ever been.
Minute 70: Halftime show! Shootout at the Guggenheim! Fuck you, modern art!
Minute 80: Bored again.
Minute 100: Is that Sting? What is Sting doing in this movie? Oh, boring the crap out of me.
Minute 120: I knew we should've gone to Tyler Perry's Medea Goes to Jail.
Another Short Movie Review: The International
I could watch Clive Owen walk around being scruffy sexy for hours and not complain, even if he weren't in a movie. There's a movie, too? Great!
I have two main complaints about this movie.
1. Not enough nudity. WTF, male directors? The ladies need some action, too. The guy never even takes his shirt off - is that really too much to ask?
2. This is less an action thriller than a suspense thriller*, but there is one awesome scene in the Guggenheim that makes the whole damn thing worthwhile. However, it takes so long to play out that I nearly injured myself à la Grandpa Simpson in the backseat of the family car because I couldn't go to the restroom before it was over.
*If you want to get technical, neither "action", "suspense", nor "thriller" are words that can be accurately applied to this movie.
I have two main complaints about this movie.
1. Not enough nudity. WTF, male directors? The ladies need some action, too. The guy never even takes his shirt off - is that really too much to ask?
2. This is less an action thriller than a suspense thriller*, but there is one awesome scene in the Guggenheim that makes the whole damn thing worthwhile. However, it takes so long to play out that I nearly injured myself à la Grandpa Simpson in the backseat of the family car because I couldn't go to the restroom before it was over.
*If you want to get technical, neither "action", "suspense", nor "thriller" are words that can be accurately applied to this movie.
March 1, 2009
Another Short Movie Review: Confessions of a Moron-aholic: I Love Lucy Goes Full Retard
Girl: Finances are too hard for silly girls to understand! If I use clothes metaphors, maybe it will make more sense to us dunderheaded females!
Dude: Aw, isn't the stupid clumsy girl hot; perhaps I would like to do her.
They do it.
The End.
Dude: Aw, isn't the stupid clumsy girl hot; perhaps I would like to do her.
They do it.
The End.
February 21, 2009
Movies I Don't Want To See, Exhibit B: Confessions of a Shopaholic
Unfortunately, I actually did see this movie. I blame the liberal media. Here is a synopsis:
Female Idiot: CLOTHES CLOTHES CLOTHES HONK BEEP
Male Idiot: RIDICULOUS CONTRIVANCES SQUAWK CHOMP
Female Idiot's Friend: I'M EYES AND A MOUTH ON A SKELETON BLAAAAAHHHHHH!
[Joan Cusack needs a new agent]
[John Goodman eats half the cast]
Female Idiot: LIE LIE LIE ISN'T IT ADORABLE HOW I'M AN ASSHOLE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR WITH HORRIBLE TASTE IN CLOTHES PEW PEW PEW
Male Idiot: SHOPPING! MAGAZINE!
[We descend to another level of hell with the appearance of JOHN FUCKING LITHGOW]
Female Idiot: BEEP BEEP BONK
Male Idiot: WEEEEEE OOOOOO WEEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOOO
Me: Well, it's not like I didn't know what I was getting into.
Female Idiot: CLOTHES CLOTHES CLOTHES HONK BEEP
Male Idiot: RIDICULOUS CONTRIVANCES SQUAWK CHOMP
Female Idiot's Friend: I'M EYES AND A MOUTH ON A SKELETON BLAAAAAHHHHHH!
[Joan Cusack needs a new agent]
[John Goodman eats half the cast]
Female Idiot: LIE LIE LIE ISN'T IT ADORABLE HOW I'M AN ASSHOLE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR WITH HORRIBLE TASTE IN CLOTHES PEW PEW PEW
Male Idiot: SHOPPING! MAGAZINE!
[We descend to another level of hell with the appearance of JOHN FUCKING LITHGOW]
Female Idiot: BEEP BEEP BONK
Male Idiot: WEEEEEE OOOOOO WEEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOOO
Me: Well, it's not like I didn't know what I was getting into.
February 17, 2009
Movies I Don't Want to See, Exhibit A: He's Just Not That Into You
OK, first of all, why would I want to go see a movie adaptation of an advice book? Unless that advice book is "How To Blow Up A Bunch of Shit In Slow Motion", I am not interested.
Second of all, I can't take two hours of Scarlett Johansen and her weird voice and her complete lack of facial expressions or acting ability. Are we that desperate for non-eating-disordered actresses that we'll fall all over this one just for having hips? I, for one, am not. Bravo for eating food, ScarJo, but I'm afraid your key to the city was just given to Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger III.
Third of all, I love a good crappy rom com as much as the next halfwit, but I don't need any more movies telling me how vapid and neurotic I am because I am a single lady. Are there really women out there who do nothing but shop and dream about weddings and obsess over tiny dudes (seriously, I bet I outweigh Justin Long and that guy from Entourage put together)?
I mean, I know there are, I've seen Rock of Love on a Bus, but I refuse to believe they constitute a large enough demographic to drive the whole rom com genre. Of course, I also refuse to believe that there are hotels for dogs.
Second of all, I can't take two hours of Scarlett Johansen and her weird voice and her complete lack of facial expressions or acting ability. Are we that desperate for non-eating-disordered actresses that we'll fall all over this one just for having hips? I, for one, am not. Bravo for eating food, ScarJo, but I'm afraid your key to the city was just given to Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger III.
Third of all, I love a good crappy rom com as much as the next halfwit, but I don't need any more movies telling me how vapid and neurotic I am because I am a single lady. Are there really women out there who do nothing but shop and dream about weddings and obsess over tiny dudes (seriously, I bet I outweigh Justin Long and that guy from Entourage put together)?
I mean, I know there are, I've seen Rock of Love on a Bus, but I refuse to believe they constitute a large enough demographic to drive the whole rom com genre. Of course, I also refuse to believe that there are hotels for dogs.
February 14, 2009
Slumdog Millionaire, Or, The Importance of Being Poor and Earnest
This movie was relatively entertaining considering it contained cardboard cutouts instead of actual human actors. What? Those were real people? In that case, I have a considerably less favorable opinion of it.
There are 4 people in this movie. Bad Guy #1 (there are actually several of these, but they're all basically the same character), Bad Guy #2 (who does one not-completely-shitty thing in the end, so I guess that makes him Complicated), Pretty Girl, and the male lead, Boring Nice Guy, who spent the entire time walking around being Earnest and Innocent such that I wanted to slap the wide-eyed expression right off his Precious Moments face. Still, this movie is worth watching, unless it's Saturday night and there's a new episode of Cops on.
There are 4 people in this movie. Bad Guy #1 (there are actually several of these, but they're all basically the same character), Bad Guy #2 (who does one not-completely-shitty thing in the end, so I guess that makes him Complicated), Pretty Girl, and the male lead, Boring Nice Guy, who spent the entire time walking around being Earnest and Innocent such that I wanted to slap the wide-eyed expression right off his Precious Moments face. Still, this movie is worth watching, unless it's Saturday night and there's a new episode of Cops on.
February 9, 2009
Defiance
aka: Up Liev Schreiber's Nose or How Pretty Are Daniel Craig's Eyes?
I'm too lazy to do my normal format for this , so I'm just going to summarize:
Too many up-close shots. Liev Schreiber and Daniel Craig are cute and all, but I don't need to see up their noses or their pores in excruciating detail. kthxbai. Also, there were a few cheesy dialogue moments.
Other than that, I liked it. An interesting story, and who doesn't love a movie set during WWII?
(Wow, that was much easier than how I usually do things. I might have to give up on my candy-themed reviews.)
I'm too lazy to do my normal format for this , so I'm just going to summarize:
Too many up-close shots. Liev Schreiber and Daniel Craig are cute and all, but I don't need to see up their noses or their pores in excruciating detail. kthxbai. Also, there were a few cheesy dialogue moments.
Other than that, I liked it. An interesting story, and who doesn't love a movie set during WWII?
(Wow, that was much easier than how I usually do things. I might have to give up on my candy-themed reviews.)
Defiance
Dear Hollywood,
More Nazi-killing set to klezmer music please!
Sincerely,
Lady Blogpants of Renotowne
P.S. Thank you, Defiance, for giving me a new variation on the "That's Your Boyfriend" game: "That's Your Forest Husband".
More Nazi-killing set to klezmer music please!
Sincerely,
Lady Blogpants of Renotowne
P.S. Thank you, Defiance, for giving me a new variation on the "That's Your Boyfriend" game: "That's Your Forest Husband".
February 7, 2009
The Soloist
What is the fucking deal with The Soloist? Its trailer has been playing before every single movie I've seen for at least six months. The thing still doesn't even have a release date--the trailer just says "Spring". Not even "Spring 2009". Just "Spring". For all I know, it's spring 2011. Probably is. Don't know what's going on with my sentences right now.
Oh, and also this movie looks completely horrible. I'm sure that's just a coincidence. God damned Jamie Fox and his no eyebrows inspirational schizophrenic homeless cello-playing character make me want to kill myself.
Oh, and also this movie looks completely horrible. I'm sure that's just a coincidence. God damned Jamie Fox and his no eyebrows inspirational schizophrenic homeless cello-playing character make me want to kill myself.
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