HARRY POTTAH

Ginny Weasley is the most boring, expressionless character THIS reviewer has seen since that monotonette from Twilight. That works out, though, since Harry Potter is basically a British Flat Stanley.

THAT'S RIGHT I'M DOWN WITH KIDS I KNOW WHAT FLAT STANLEY IS! TAKE THAT, KINDERGARDENERS OF AMERICA!

Ha ha, I originally typed "kindergartenders" and then had a hilarious vision of 5-year-olds mixing my drinks at the hipster bar I went to last night. Can you IMAGINE the hijinx that would ensue?

Anyway, Hermione is a decent actor and although Ron Weasley only has one facial expression ("about to puke"), he's more or less mastered it. But Harry, my goodness. No. Luckily for these child actors, Jim Broadbent showed up in this movie and awesomed it up pretty good. I really like that guy.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Not my favorite of the Potter films, but not too bad. Was pleasantly surprised with Rupert Grint's facial expression as Ron overcame the effects of the love potion. Was not pleasantly surprised with the Harry/Ginny kiss (spoiler alert)! Zzzz.

Thought the end with Snape should have been more dramatic, though I spose we all know why it wasn't.

Lots of funny moments, but I also spotted several moments when I thought things were either edited weirdly, or the dialogue was lacking. C'mon Hollywood, step it up.

I don't have a lot to say about this, which is sad.

How to Ruin a Seemingly Unruinable Movie

Take an iconic Depression-era bank robber.

Remove all items of interest from his story.

Add dialogue so horrible even Johnny Depp can't save it.

Also, add Batman. But not the cool Batman. Just the frowny actor who plays him.

Fuck you, Public Enemies.

Movies I Don't Want To See: G-Force.

Okay, so we all know by now that I'm the kid-movie junkie that loves animated features and iCarly on Nickelodeon (or...maybe you didn't know that last bit, but its true. That show is funny, yo). I am apparently a 12 year old in a 27 year old's body.

But this G-Force thing? OMG you guys.

It makes me ashamed to have ever been even remotely associated with Disney. Srsly. What were/are they thinking?

Besides the obvious stupidity and ridiculousness, I was annoyed that the preview talks about a secret government organization of animals, and yet all the main animals in the movie are guinea pigs (and a hamster (?) and a fly? What?). Dude. Where's the dog? The bunny, even? (I am aware that Disney hates cats). The witty and lovable goldfish?? ARGH. Where's the horse kicking ass and taking names?

For shame, Disney. FOR SHAME.

Year One

Like the rest of the world, I am damn tired of Jack Black's schtick. However, I am still totally enchanted by the low-key comedy stylings of Michael Cera, so I went to this movie to see if the latter made up for the former. It does, but barely. BARELY.

I don't really care if you go see this movie or not.

The Hangover

Yeah, this is one of those movies with some really funny bits and some really "really? That's what you went with?" bits. The former are mostly improvised by Zach Galifianakis, and the latter are mostly things someone lifted directly from Old School. Using the exact same "dirty wedding singer" as in that movie? Really? I get that you're trying to be clever and meta, but your little in-joke is ruined if you shove it all up in our faces and let it play out for way too long. This is the equivalent of the guy who repeats Family Guy jokes over and over because clearly, the more he says them, the funnier he is.

I like all these male-centered Apatow/Ferrell-esque comedies, I really do. They are usually funny, and I'm used to females not being front and center in the comedy genre as a whole (memo to Hollywood: Renee Zellwegger or Sandra Bullock falling down does not equal funny. Where's my Maria Bamford vehicle?). But I'm pretty tired of movies where all the female characters are either shrews who don't want their boyfriends/husbands to have fun, or stupid whores. Can't you people come up with anything better?

I'm also not all that entertained by a Mike Tyson cameo. The dude is a rapist. Ha ha.

Up! in THREE DEE

Up made me laugh, cry, and laugh until I cried. It was also in 3D, but once again I was a little disappointed that things don't pop out at me all crazy, like they do at the 3D shows in Walt Disney World, especially since they charge you $3 for freaking 3D glasses. Anyway, very good, more serious and sad than I expected. The dogs are the best part ;D

Also, I just realized I'm a total ass and never reviewed Star Trek! I agree with Lady Blogpants, though: SUPER AWESOME! I laugh and cheered and I want to see it again and again!

My summer movie going experiences are starting out with a bang. Hooray for Hollywood! da da da da da da da Hollywood!

STAR TREK YAY!

When I was younger, my second-favorite Saturday morning cartoon was Muppet Babies (First favorite: DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS!), so clearly I have a soft spot for this particular conceit, and I was very excited to see Star Trek.

AND I WAS RIGHT TO BE EXCITED IT'S THE BEST MOVIE EVER YAY!

Hollywood insider item! My brother's roommate saw New Kirk at their neighborhood bar the other night. He asked the bartender about him and the bartender said New Kirk and New Spock go there all the time BUT NEVER TOGETHER.

Wolverine

I approve of this X-men prequel thingy. Hugh Jackman (or as my mom likes to call him, Jack Hughman) does his thing as usual, and we get to see his ass. A+

Also Liev Schreiber is in it and I love him too. We don't get to see his ass. And he's not necessarily hot, what with crazy canines and claws, but I'm willing to look past these issues.

I was worried about how Gambit would turn out, but he was alright. My only complaint was that he had a generic southern accent rather than a Cajun accent. But he was pretty (and more baby faced than I expected) and his special effects were cool, so he passes.

My only other major complaint was that for some reason Wolverine's CGI metal claws LOOKED CGI. I can't remember having that issue with them in the other X-Men movies, so I dunno whats up here. I feel like the color/lighting on them was off somehow. I shouldn't be able to obviously tell things are CGI these days, you know?

I can't comment on the story because I wasn't ever into the comics (only the Saturday morning cartoon) so I don't know if its true to the comic or whatever. I'm sure my fellow nerds have something to say on that matter elsewhere.

Orange Skull Loves Lips Skull 4-Ever

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past is not a very good movie, but if you must see it, please strive to seat yourselves in front of The Couple That's Never Seen a Movie Before, as we did. We are very familiar with The Lady Who's Never Seen a Movie Before, but the couple was new to us. Oh, the delight they took in every hackneyed line and predictable plot turn. I really wish I could see the world through the eyes of this couple--everything would be so new and entertaining. They even loved the commercials before the previews. During the movie, the male half of the duo enjoyed noting out loud whatever happened, sometimes two or three times:

"He grabbed her tit!"

"The cake fell down!"

"She farted and fell off the mountainside!"
(Okay, not really, but that guy totally would have loved this).

Anyway, yeah, this movie is your standard uncharming rom com. Boy grows up with girl, boy gets bad relationship advice from Michael Douglas, boy becomes dick, girl becomes doctor, dick digs up the corpse of Charles Dickens and skull-fucks it, doctor falls in love with dick, and everyone lives happily ever after. Speaking of skull-fucking, Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Garner are all cheekbones and chins, so when they kiss they look like two skulls clonking against each other like something out of the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland. It's gross.