Twilight: Eclipse

So of course I went to see Twilight III, and it was awful. But it wasn't any worse than I knew it was going to be, so I don't really have anything to say about it. I feel like we've come to some kind of agreement. The Twilight series agrees to have horrible writing, acting, and special effects, and in return, I agree to be in a movie theater eating popcorn.

Since I don't have anything useful to say, here's a picture of a DVD cover my brother and I photoshopped, printed, and used to replace the original cover on a Jennifer Garner movie we rented three years ago.

Get Him to the BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO [inhaaaaale] OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Shrek: The Final Chapter

I think they should make a series of spin-offs staring Donkey and Puss-in-Boots, because those two are hilarious. They steal the show.

For it being the "Final Chapter" it wasn't a bang!wow! movie, but it was cute and funny in parts. How to Train Your Dragon still stands as my favorite animated feature so far this year (though, the upcoming Toy Story movie has potential). I should probably admit, though, that I refused to see this in 3D (because I think this whole 3D fad is stupid and I'm never impressed) so maybe I missed something.

On a more random note, I was disturbed that I was deeply amused and intrigued by the new Cats vs. Dogs promo that played before this movie. Might have to go see it.

Iron Man 2

DISAPPOINTING.

Letters to Juliet

Pretty cute. I didn't hate this one (unlike some OTHER ROM COMS [I'm still bitter]). That being said, I much preferred the love story between the two older people than Amanda Seyfried and the English kid, mostly because I was more amused by the English guy being a prick (awesome!)

The ending of this movie was completely lackluster, but the idea and first 3/4's were fun and cute.

Iron Man 2

Me likey.

Mickey Rourke makes a fantastic villain, and I wish I had Scarlett Johansson's figure.

In other news, Robert Downey Jr. is still awesome and Don Cheadle is much more awesome without a fake British(ish) accent.

Kick Ass

Kick Ass is not very good. It has a couple of good moments, mostly due to wise music choices, but otherwise is boring and dumb. This movie needed about 500% more Nicolas Cage and 1000% less Kick Ass kid.

OH BOY IRON MAN 2 COMES OUT THIS WEEKEND!

Movies I Don't Want to See: Sex and the City 2

Ugh I just sat through the goddamned trailer for Sex and the City 2 and I almost killed myself right there in the movie theater. It was pretty much the worst thing I've ever seen. I can't put my finger on what's most depressing: seeing Sarah Jessica Parker in a lady tuxedo, hearing that tranny one from Big Trouble in Little China saying the words "Abu Dhabi", or knowing that a lot of women are going to go see this piss-drenched horrorshow and actually enjoy it. And then they're going to try to act like the horrible assholes of Sex and the City 2 (The Skankening) like it's a thing people should do. OK, I guess that last thing is the most depressing.

Now here's the rub: I didn't hate that TV show. I didn't love it, and I was annoyed by the "ladies love brand-name shoes" conspicuous consumption, but I liked that it was about four women who were friends. They didn't compete with each other or steal each other's menfolk, they were just friends, like normal ladies are in real life but hardly ever on the teevee. But that first movie, holy fucking hell, what a nightmare. All those stinky bitches did was change their outfits and have sex with gross dudes. It had none of the charm or humor of the original. Terrible. But you know what's more terrible? SEX AND THE CITY 2!

I mean, in this godforsaken thing, stupid turkey leg wearing a wig Sarah Jessica Parker walks into some sparkly room or whatever and actually says "We're not in Kansas anymore!" IN THE TRAILER SHE SAYS THIS. OH AH HA HA HA HA NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE. Even James Cameron had second thoughts when he had the bad guy say that line in Avatar. Oh, he used it anyway, but he hesitated for a moment and thought "wait, is this TOO hacky?" And I don't think it was in the TRAILER. Wait, was it? Actually, I think it was. OK, so cleverness-wise, at best Sex and the City 2 is at the Avatar level. AT BEST. Is this what we should be striving for, women of America? Is this what you want in your entertainment? AVATAR-LEVEL CLEVERNESS?

OMG YOU GUYS I'M SUCH A "MIRANDA"!!!!!!!!

Date Night

Date Night is pretty good. Some of the jokes are bleh but more are funny, plus there's a car chase that's at least 60% real cars driving around and crashing into each other, not just shitty CGI + someone jiggling a camera. This movie is no Hot Tub Time Machine, but it's a solid comedyfilm.

Clash of the Titans in Three Dee!

An Open Letter to Future Jen: The next time you're going to go watch a 3D movie, please remember that 3D movies make you want to hurl.

The 3D part of this movie isn't even that great. Overall, it was actually a little boring and the action more chaotic than interesting, but if you fill the screen with enough hot demi-god I can watch pretty much anything. However, I would like to point out that the flashing of hairy man-leg under a short tunic is not that sexy.

Additionally, I am over the Friesian horse fad. I don't mean this in a racist way, but Pegasus is supposed to be white, not black! Take your designer horse trend to another venue. I blame you, Martha Stewart!