OH SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT THE EXPENDABLES 2!

Remember that part in the first Expendables where Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Willis meet in a church and proceed to create the most amazingly bad scene in the history of cinema? The Expendables 2 is that scene drawn out for 90 minutes. It's not pretty. Most of this movie is a terrible, lazy pastiche of awkward moments where old men--OSTENSIBLY ACTORS--struggle to deliver simple lines without looking right at the camera, forgetting half the words, or peeing their pants. The explosions aren't as good as in the first movie, and Terry Crews doesn't get to do enough awesome stuff. Jean-Claude Van Damme is a little piece of heaven, though, since he can actually act and seems to be making an effort. He's also still in awesome shape, so the scene where Sylvester Stallone is supposed to "win" a fight with him is very silly indeed. Oh, and Bruce Willis is acceptable.

LOOPER BLOOPERS

You guys, Looper is really good. Normally I leave futuristic time travel movies at least a little bit angry at plot holes and inconsistencies, but I bought everything about this movie. It's really well done, with good pacing. JGL's Bruce Willis makeup wasn't even as distracting as I thought it was going to be, and the face he made the whole movie was VERY entertaining.

Don't bother sticking around after the credits to see the Looper bloopers. There aren't any. Which hasn't prevented me from yelling LOOPER BLOOPERS every 10 minutes ever since I saw this movie three days ago.

Samsara

Samsara is a movie shot in 70mm, with no dialogue, just atmospheric music and a bunch of great shots of people and places. It's neato and well worth watching. What I want to talk about, though, is the audience that was at this goddamn thing--I've never seen so much gentle bafflement at the very simple goings-on of the Hollywood Arclight. Basically, when you buy your ticket you pick which seats you want, then you look at the seat numbers on your ticket, and then you walk to those seats. It's pretty straightforward. Unless you're a very stoned, or possibly just very stupid, person with tickets to Samsara, and then what you do is sit in the wrong seat and get really confused when other people ask you to move out of their seats. The situation is exacerbated by the equally stoned or stupid nature of the people asking you to move, as everyone involved compares their tickets and stares really hard at the seat numbers and hunches around from row to row. It is a very entertaining thing to watch as a non-stoned member of the audience. Also, we didn't have to yell at anyone for texting, so I guess what I'm saying is this was the best audience that's ever been in a movie theater.