OH SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT THE EXPENDABLES 2!

Remember that part in the first Expendables where Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Willis meet in a church and proceed to create the most amazingly bad scene in the history of cinema? The Expendables 2 is that scene drawn out for 90 minutes. It's not pretty. Most of this movie is a terrible, lazy pastiche of awkward moments where old men--OSTENSIBLY ACTORS--struggle to deliver simple lines without looking right at the camera, forgetting half the words, or peeing their pants. The explosions aren't as good as in the first movie, and Terry Crews doesn't get to do enough awesome stuff. Jean-Claude Van Damme is a little piece of heaven, though, since he can actually act and seems to be making an effort. He's also still in awesome shape, so the scene where Sylvester Stallone is supposed to "win" a fight with him is very silly indeed. Oh, and Bruce Willis is acceptable.

Why I Love Living in Los Angeles, Exhibit A: Rare Exports

When one lives in Los Angeles, one gets to see movies like Rare Exports, the most amazing Finnish Christmas horror movie ever made. Seriously, put this movie on your netflix queue right now. It's goddamn incredible. The filmmakers take everything several steps further than you expect them to, and it works every time. I don't want to say anything else and ruin everything, but I will say I do hope you like CGI old man dicks, because Rare Exports has a bunch!

RARE EXPORTS!