Oz the Great and Powerful

Here is a list of the things I liked about Oz the Great and Powerful:

1).  Some of the (CGI) scenery.
2).  The banter between Finley (the monkey) and the china girl.
3).  Some of the tie-ins to both the original source material (e.g. Glinda is the Good Witch of the South, as she is in the books), and the 1939 movie (e.g. the Wicked Witch of the West is green and has a broom like the one in the 1939 film; some of the characters in the beginning appear as characters in Oz).

Here is a list of things I didn't like about this movie:

1).  EVERYTHING ELSE.

My biggest issue with this film was that there was SO MUCH potential for a great, interesting story about the Wizard's origin (as well as that of the wicked witches), but that was HORRIBLY and irrecoverably WASTED in favor of computer-generated bullshit.  Also, all of the acting (with the exception of Zach Braff, who spent most of the movie as the VOICE of a CGI monkey) was fucking awful.

I fully realize that there was no way this film could have ever lived up to the 1939 original, which is probably my favorite movie of all time, and has been since I was a kid. (For the record, I know that the 1939 movie is not much like the original Oz book, which I've read).

I knew from the first time I saw a preview that this movie would probably either be a stand-alone original take on the Oz universe, or maybe even based more on the original books.  I did not expect it to be like the MGM movie, but I did hope that it would at least be good.  I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.

ARGH.  We all know that I'm a Disney lover, but holy crap, Disney, what did you do to Oz?

Twilight Part 10: The Twilightening

I have seen every Twilight movie, and I am here to tell you that slightly more happens in this one than the other ones, I think, and there are slightly fewer long dead-eyed stares. I guess you can kill vampires by just ripping their heads off now? The rules keep changing. Make no mistake, this movie is completely horrible, but as I've said before, I like being in a movie theater with movie popcorn, and on that point, Twilight fulfills my every dream and wish. The best part was seeing it with someone who hadn't seen any of the other movies.

Holy Motors

TOO ARTISTIC.

Killer Joe

My brother and his girlfriend and I walked out of Killer Joe after literally two minutes, so I can't really review the whole movie. I can tell you the first two minutes are FUCKING TERRIBLE.

We scooted over to the next theater and watched Searching for Sugarman instead.

TO BE CONTINUED???

Movies I Don't Want to See: What to Expect When You're Expecting

We were in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago to see tiny singer-songwriter Paul Williams perform his greatest Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas-related songs, and it was great. The casino had a theater and we're too cheap to gamble, so after being all dressed up for the concert, we put on our sweatpants and went to see What to Expect When You're Expecting. Nobody wants to see this movie. It was exactly what we expected, so I can't really even get mad about it. I definitely can't spend the time it would take to list every thing that was horrible about it. And it's not like you need my warning to avoid this movie. If you saw it, you clearly also wanted to be eating movie popcorn in your sweatpants. And that's okay. Just don't let it happen again.

What I Do Have Is a Very Particular Set of NOT FIGHTING WOLVES WITH BROKEN AIRPLANE BOTTLES ON MY HANDS

Yeah, The Grey is total bullshit. It's marketed as a movie where Liam Neeson fistfights wolves, but he does no such thing. He wanders around Canada thinking about his daddy issues, trailed by some dudes who get picked off one by one by some ridiculous CGI werewolves that wandered over from Twilight.

I do like the scene when Liam Neeson asks god to help him, and when nothing happens, huffs "FUCK IT, I'LL DO IT MYSELF." But that's immediately nullified by the fact he says this after rolling around in a river for about 20 minutes and then just chillin (HA HA) in his wet clothes on a snowbank, instead of LYING THERE BEING DEAD OF HYPOTHERMIA.

I saw this movie in a special sneak preview thing where the director did a Q&A afterward. In true idiot auteur fashion, he scoffed at how everyone in his focus groups said "hey, you know how this whole movie builds up to a wolf fistfight and then the screen cuts to black and the movie's over and there's no wolf fistfight? That's total bullshit." He thought those people were so foolish not to understand his vision that it was MORE ARTISTIC to NOT SHOW the ONE THING THAT EVERYONE WANTED TO SEE. But he directed The A-Team, so I guess he knows from good cinema.

Sherlock Holmes 2: Book of Secrets

I have no idea what happened in this movie. There was a lot of mumbling and CGI things flying around but that's all I could figure out. I don't even have the energy to be mad at this thing, that's how dumb it was. Plus I just watched the first episode of Season 2 of the new BBC Sherlock series, and it's so many millions of times better than Sherlock Holmes 2: On Stranger Tides that I'm just going to pretend the movie never happened. Ahhh.

Borrior

Warrior is about two stupid brothers who like to punch shit. One of them looks like a muscley Conan O'Brien and the other one has a weird poofy back. Both of them have gross pasty skin and are sweaty all the time. There's actually a scene where one of them has the other one in a chokehold and yells I LOVE YOU TOMMY! Ridiculous.

Fuck you, Warrior.

Cowboys Vs. Aliens Vs. Indiana Jones Vs. Indians Vs. Aliens

I have not been so disappointed in a movie since Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Even Shia LaBeouf couldn't have made this movie any worse. Well, maybe he could have. Anyway, the point is, I don't understand how you could make a movie with Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, cowboys, and aliens, and have it be so infuriatingly dull. At first it was fun watching Harrison Ford enjoy hamming up his awful, one-dimensional robot cowboy character, but eventually even he got bored with it. My advice to the purveyors of this crap: go back and add lots of nude Daniel Craig. Oh yeah, and take out all the dialogue and all the other characters. Then this movie would suck less.

Take Me Home Tonight. Wow.

The first 20 minutes of Take Me Home Tonight are mind-bogglingly unpleasant and ill-advised. I don't know what the rest is like since that's when we stomped out and got a refund.

On the upside, I saw DUDAMEL in the lobby.

Fuck You, The Tourist

UGH this whole goddamn movie is Angelina Jolie walking around with a smug look on her face while a bunch of European extras pretend to be awed by her beauty instead of horrified by her weird bony arms.

BLEAHHHHHHH.

Catfish

This movie is the biggest load of stupid indie bullshit I've ever seen. The only reason anyone goes to see it is because it's marketed as a movie full of MYSTERIOUS QUESTIONS, namely WHAT WILL HAPPEN? and IS IT REAL? Let me answer both questions for you. ANNOYING SHIT will happen and IT IS NOT REAL. After the first minute, I leaned over to my brother and said "it's fake." After the first ten minutes, I leaned over to him and said "if this doesn't end in a bloodbath I'm going to be VERY disappointed." After twenty minutes we weren't even bothering to lower our voices anymore and were just telling the stupid main character how much we hated him.

Now I don't want to spoil anything for you, but let's just say OH WAIT I DO want to spoil everything for you because this is a TERRIBLE MOVIE YOU SHOULD NOT SEE. There is no bloodbath, the whole goddamn thing is made up, and at the end the "dumb" guy magically unspools this whole ridiculous allegory about CATFISH so you're like "oh, how wonderful that this REAL NOT FAKE PERSON came up with the perfect allegory about his situation which ENCAPSULATES THE WHOLE GODDAMN MOVIE in a TOTALLY NATURAL AND UNMANUFACTURED WAY despite the fact that he's supposed to be HALF RETARDED."

FUCK YOU CATFISH!

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

I had high hopes for this one, especially when Lady Blogpants and I saw Jerry Bruckheimer's fancy logo before it started. "This bodes well!" she said, and I agreed. Alas, I'm of the opinion that we totally jinxed it.

Nicolas Cage was pretty much the best part of this movie. Don't get me wrong, I love Jay Baruchel (he did the voice of the main character in my favorite movie so far this year), but I felt like he was stifled and his humor under-used.

Things were too corny, too sappy; it was like watching a giant cliche. This could have been SO MUCH better. (Also, SPOILER ALERT, "The Prime Merlin-ian"?? SERIOUSLY? Who bought this script? God, Disney, get your shit together.)

The best part was when Nicolas Cage yelled the line "BECAUSE I CAN READ MINDS!" and Lady Blogpants burst out laughing. I think the people around us thought we were nuts.

Get Him to the BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO [inhaaaaale] OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Movies I Don't Want to See: Sex and the City 2

Ugh I just sat through the goddamned trailer for Sex and the City 2 and I almost killed myself right there in the movie theater. It was pretty much the worst thing I've ever seen. I can't put my finger on what's most depressing: seeing Sarah Jessica Parker in a lady tuxedo, hearing that tranny one from Big Trouble in Little China saying the words "Abu Dhabi", or knowing that a lot of women are going to go see this piss-drenched horrorshow and actually enjoy it. And then they're going to try to act like the horrible assholes of Sex and the City 2 (The Skankening) like it's a thing people should do. OK, I guess that last thing is the most depressing.

Now here's the rub: I didn't hate that TV show. I didn't love it, and I was annoyed by the "ladies love brand-name shoes" conspicuous consumption, but I liked that it was about four women who were friends. They didn't compete with each other or steal each other's menfolk, they were just friends, like normal ladies are in real life but hardly ever on the teevee. But that first movie, holy fucking hell, what a nightmare. All those stinky bitches did was change their outfits and have sex with gross dudes. It had none of the charm or humor of the original. Terrible. But you know what's more terrible? SEX AND THE CITY 2!

I mean, in this godforsaken thing, stupid turkey leg wearing a wig Sarah Jessica Parker walks into some sparkly room or whatever and actually says "We're not in Kansas anymore!" IN THE TRAILER SHE SAYS THIS. OH AH HA HA HA HA NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE. Even James Cameron had second thoughts when he had the bad guy say that line in Avatar. Oh, he used it anyway, but he hesitated for a moment and thought "wait, is this TOO hacky?" And I don't think it was in the TRAILER. Wait, was it? Actually, I think it was. OK, so cleverness-wise, at best Sex and the City 2 is at the Avatar level. AT BEST. Is this what we should be striving for, women of America? Is this what you want in your entertainment? AVATAR-LEVEL CLEVERNESS?

OMG YOU GUYS I'M SUCH A "MIRANDA"!!!!!!!!

I Was Right

Yeah, Alice in Wonderland was boring as crap.

Alice in Wonderland

Johnny Depp's version of the Mad Hatter in this movie consisted of him mixing up a bunch of his other characters (including, but not limited to, Jack Sparrow, Willy Wonka and James Barrie, with a dash of Ichabod Crane and maybe some Sweeney Todd), with horrible results.

The only parts of this movie I liked were Anne Hathaway and the Cheshire Cat.

Nine Is Terrible

If you go to Nine hoping to see Daniel Day Lewis's character from There Will Be Blood burst into song, I am here to tell you you will be sorely disappointed.

Open Letters to Various Persons Affiliated with Crazy Heart

Dear Maggie Gyllenhaal's character in Crazy Heart,

Were you really surprised to find out the alcoholic musician twice your age, whose nickname is "Bad", didn't take good care of your son at the mall? No one is that dumb, even if they have a craaaaaaaaazy heeeeaaaaart.


Dear Robert Duvall's character in Crazy Heart,

You were the only good thing in this god damned movie, but even you couldn't save it. Thanks for at least being played by Robert Duvall.


Dear Jeff Bridges, star of Crazy Heart,

Shame on you. You know better.


Dear Scott Cooper, writer, director, and producer of Crazy Heart,

Fuck you, Scott Cooper.

Sincerely,
Lady Blogpants

Leap Year

Instructions:

1) Go watch the preview for this movie.

2) Congratulations! You have now seen the entire plot (and can guess the ending), without the annoying parts, bad acting and horrible dialogue, PLUS saved some money!

You're welcome.