Movies I Don't Want to See: What to Expect When You're Expecting

We were in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago to see tiny singer-songwriter Paul Williams perform his greatest Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas-related songs, and it was great. The casino had a theater and we're too cheap to gamble, so after being all dressed up for the concert, we put on our sweatpants and went to see What to Expect When You're Expecting. Nobody wants to see this movie. It was exactly what we expected, so I can't really even get mad about it. I definitely can't spend the time it would take to list every thing that was horrible about it. And it's not like you need my warning to avoid this movie. If you saw it, you clearly also wanted to be eating movie popcorn in your sweatpants. And that's okay. Just don't let it happen again.

Movies I Don't Want to See: Sex and the City 2

Ugh I just sat through the goddamned trailer for Sex and the City 2 and I almost killed myself right there in the movie theater. It was pretty much the worst thing I've ever seen. I can't put my finger on what's most depressing: seeing Sarah Jessica Parker in a lady tuxedo, hearing that tranny one from Big Trouble in Little China saying the words "Abu Dhabi", or knowing that a lot of women are going to go see this piss-drenched horrorshow and actually enjoy it. And then they're going to try to act like the horrible assholes of Sex and the City 2 (The Skankening) like it's a thing people should do. OK, I guess that last thing is the most depressing.

Now here's the rub: I didn't hate that TV show. I didn't love it, and I was annoyed by the "ladies love brand-name shoes" conspicuous consumption, but I liked that it was about four women who were friends. They didn't compete with each other or steal each other's menfolk, they were just friends, like normal ladies are in real life but hardly ever on the teevee. But that first movie, holy fucking hell, what a nightmare. All those stinky bitches did was change their outfits and have sex with gross dudes. It had none of the charm or humor of the original. Terrible. But you know what's more terrible? SEX AND THE CITY 2!

I mean, in this godforsaken thing, stupid turkey leg wearing a wig Sarah Jessica Parker walks into some sparkly room or whatever and actually says "We're not in Kansas anymore!" IN THE TRAILER SHE SAYS THIS. OH AH HA HA HA HA NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE. Even James Cameron had second thoughts when he had the bad guy say that line in Avatar. Oh, he used it anyway, but he hesitated for a moment and thought "wait, is this TOO hacky?" And I don't think it was in the TRAILER. Wait, was it? Actually, I think it was. OK, so cleverness-wise, at best Sex and the City 2 is at the Avatar level. AT BEST. Is this what we should be striving for, women of America? Is this what you want in your entertainment? AVATAR-LEVEL CLEVERNESS?

OMG YOU GUYS I'M SUCH A "MIRANDA"!!!!!!!!

Movies I Don't Want To See: G-Force.

Okay, so we all know by now that I'm the kid-movie junkie that loves animated features and iCarly on Nickelodeon (or...maybe you didn't know that last bit, but its true. That show is funny, yo). I am apparently a 12 year old in a 27 year old's body.

But this G-Force thing? OMG you guys.

It makes me ashamed to have ever been even remotely associated with Disney. Srsly. What were/are they thinking?

Besides the obvious stupidity and ridiculousness, I was annoyed that the preview talks about a secret government organization of animals, and yet all the main animals in the movie are guinea pigs (and a hamster (?) and a fly? What?). Dude. Where's the dog? The bunny, even? (I am aware that Disney hates cats). The witty and lovable goldfish?? ARGH. Where's the horse kicking ass and taking names?

For shame, Disney. FOR SHAME.

Movies I Don't Want To See, Exhibit B: Confessions of a Shopaholic

Unfortunately, I actually did see this movie. I blame the liberal media. Here is a synopsis:

Female Idiot: CLOTHES CLOTHES CLOTHES HONK BEEP

Male Idiot: RIDICULOUS CONTRIVANCES SQUAWK CHOMP

Female Idiot's Friend: I'M EYES AND A MOUTH ON A SKELETON BLAAAAAHHHHHH!

[Joan Cusack needs a new agent]

[John Goodman eats half the cast]

Female Idiot: LIE LIE LIE ISN'T IT ADORABLE HOW I'M AN ASSHOLE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR WITH HORRIBLE TASTE IN CLOTHES PEW PEW PEW

Male Idiot: SHOPPING! MAGAZINE!

[We descend to another level of hell with the appearance of JOHN FUCKING LITHGOW]

Female Idiot: BEEP BEEP BONK

Male Idiot: WEEEEEE OOOOOO WEEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOOO

Me: Well, it's not like I didn't know what I was getting into.

Movies I Don't Want to See, Exhibit A: He's Just Not That Into You

OK, first of all, why would I want to go see a movie adaptation of an advice book? Unless that advice book is "How To Blow Up A Bunch of Shit In Slow Motion", I am not interested.

Second of all, I can't take two hours of Scarlett Johansen and her weird voice and her complete lack of facial expressions or acting ability. Are we that desperate for non-eating-disordered actresses that we'll fall all over this one just for having hips? I, for one, am not. Bravo for eating food, ScarJo, but I'm afraid your key to the city was just given to Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger III.

Third of all, I love a good crappy rom com as much as the next halfwit, but I don't need any more movies telling me how vapid and neurotic I am because I am a single lady. Are there really women out there who do nothing but shop and dream about weddings and obsess over tiny dudes (seriously, I bet I outweigh Justin Long and that guy from Entourage put together)?

I mean, I know there are, I've seen Rock of Love on a Bus, but I refuse to believe they constitute a large enough demographic to drive the whole rom com genre. Of course, I also refuse to believe that there are hotels for dogs.

The Soloist

What is the fucking deal with The Soloist? Its trailer has been playing before every single movie I've seen for at least six months. The thing still doesn't even have a release date--the trailer just says "Spring". Not even "Spring 2009". Just "Spring". For all I know, it's spring 2011. Probably is. Don't know what's going on with my sentences right now.

Oh, and also this movie looks completely horrible. I'm sure that's just a coincidence. God damned Jamie Fox and his no eyebrows inspirational schizophrenic homeless cello-playing character make me want to kill myself.