Hobbitses!

Thanks to the Hobbit, I will now start talking like Gollum all over again.  Thanks, Peter Jackson!

Before I begin my review, let me state the following facts:  first, it has been at least 5 years since I read the Hobbit (possibly more, because I'm pretty sure it was during the peak of my LOTR-geekdom back when the original movies came out), and second, I don't remember a whole lot about it.

The good: 

1. Martin Freeman and Ian McKellan, of course.  As if you expected anything else. 
2. Random hot dwarf.  HELL-O.  I'm actually torn about this, see below. 
3. Radagast the Brown, despite the bird poo on his face (I'm not kidding). I may be bias because he's played by Sylvester McCoy, aka: The Seventh Doctor.

The iffy: 

1. This one seemed slightly cheesier than the LOTR films, but like I said, its been quite awhile since I read the book, so I have a feeling its a little less dark and dramatic than the trilogy and so the silliness may actually be appropriate.  It was still very fun though.
2. The random hot dwarf.  I appreciate the eye candy (which is likely why they did this), but...dwarves are not supposed to be hot.  Gimli was not hot.  Hot!Dwarf was also the only dwarf without a beard, so he stuck out like a sore thumb.
3. Was Thorin Oakenshield that moody in the book? Crap, I need to read it again. Also, the moment between Thorin and Bilbo at the end was weirdly predictable and cheesy.  I think it was trying to be like the moment between Sam and Frodo at the end of FoTR, only the corny was cranked up several notches.

This movie also contains a shit-ton of running.  One of my friends even commented, "Man, these guys just can't get a break!" It's true.

Don't let me kid you, though.  I would totally see this again and I was geeking out the whole time.  I am particularly excited for the next installment with SMAUG!  RAW DRAGON!

Kon Tiki

Kon Tiki was okay, but I had trouble sympathizing with Thor Heyerdahl because he looked and acted like an 80s movie villain. If there's one thing I know, it's that no one wants the bad guy from The Karate Kid to successfully prove a human migration theory. Plus the filmmakers added a lot of fake drama that I bet didn't actually happen, and left out important details (like, the crew was maintaining the raft all along, reinforcing lashing and what not, not just sitting there watching it fall apart, get your experimental archaeology right, DUHHHHHH). I recommend you watch the original documentary, which is amazing.

Skyfall

This movie was okay, but it was too long and needed a better edit. You know what audiences don't want to see? James Bond, his fake mom, and another old guy (who we've just been introduced to and are supposed to instantly care about) prepping a Scottish mansion to hold off a siege IN REAL TIME. "I say, old chap, have you any more AAA batteries for me to put in this lantern, for use during the siege?" "Certainly, my boy, they're in the third drawer down in the kitchen." "This one?" "No, no, to the left." "Oh okay. Now, are these AAAs or AAs?" "I believe I have both. They're all mixed up in that plastic bag, you'll have to sort through it." "Blimey." And then for all that prep work, when the bad guy comes in a helicopter and just blasts the shit out of the house, Bond is all OH SHIT A HELICOPTER? WE DIDN'T PREPARE FOR THAT! Worst secret agent ever.

You know what else audiences don't want to see? A bunch of shitty CGI effects, especially after they've seen a really good actual-person fight sequence or actual-car car chase. Take a look at that fucking komodo dragon in that casino scene. It's awful. Fuck you.

Hotel Transylvania

As I love both Halloween AND cartoons, I had high expectations for this movie.  I left feeling a little disappointed.

I'd only seen a couple of previews, and hadn't looked up the cast, but pretty early on I realized that the voice of Dracula was totally Adam Sandler, and then I couldn't stop HEARING/SEEING Adam Sandler.  It ended up being distracting, and sometimes obnoxious.

That being said, this movie had cute moments, and several laugh-out-loud funny ones, but it still relied far too much on fart jokes (seriously, within the first 5 minutes!)  Apparently kids these days aren't savvy and still love fart jokes.  I put this cartoon solidly in the middle of the pack.  I was mostly entertained and didn't hate it, but it had the potential to be so much better.

Samsara

Samsara is a movie shot in 70mm, with no dialogue, just atmospheric music and a bunch of great shots of people and places. It's neato and well worth watching. What I want to talk about, though, is the audience that was at this goddamn thing--I've never seen so much gentle bafflement at the very simple goings-on of the Hollywood Arclight. Basically, when you buy your ticket you pick which seats you want, then you look at the seat numbers on your ticket, and then you walk to those seats. It's pretty straightforward. Unless you're a very stoned, or possibly just very stupid, person with tickets to Samsara, and then what you do is sit in the wrong seat and get really confused when other people ask you to move out of their seats. The situation is exacerbated by the equally stoned or stupid nature of the people asking you to move, as everyone involved compares their tickets and stares really hard at the seat numbers and hunches around from row to row. It is a very entertaining thing to watch as a non-stoned member of the audience. Also, we didn't have to yell at anyone for texting, so I guess what I'm saying is this was the best audience that's ever been in a movie theater.

Batman duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh Batman

The Dark Knight Rises is fine. Too much CGI. Not as good as the other Batmen. But fine.

Prometheus

I normally hate movies with vague storylines and lots of plot holes, so you'd think I would have hated Prometheus, because it's basically a billion plot holes held together with nice visuals and good actors. I knew it was going to be trouble as soon as I saw it was written by that guy who wrote Lost. That fucking show. I hate when writers set up too many complicated storylines that you know are never going to get tied up in any kind of satisfying way, so I bailed on Lost after the first season. But even through Prometheus is totally a mess story-wise, somehow I still liked it--it really looks great, and the pacing is perfect, and the performances are good, so I was entertained the whole time and actually do recommend it. After you see it, do me a favor and watch the Red Letter Media review. It covers everything.

Moonrise Kingdom

Moonrise Kingdom is pretty good. I like all Wes Anderson movies and really love some of them, but they were getting a little too twee even for me ("Too Twee for Me" is the title of my future autobiography), so I was glad when this one decided to have little kids handle most of the dialogue. The preciousness was much easier to take coming from children, and then I could concentrate on the set design, which was amazing as always. I also liked that the kids didn't seem like professional actors, so they were kind of mumbly and awkward. Don't worry, there's still a super-slow-motion "people walking somewhere" scene like in all Anderson movies. I really love that conceit and I hope he never stops doing it.

The Hunger Games

Unlike my fellow blogger, I actually liked this movie--I'd probably even pay to see it again, and it intrigued me into wanting to read the books (which I haven't read yet), so already its doing better than most things Hollywood is shelling out these days. I was entertained and not angry about editing or dialogue, and I quite enjoyed the performances from Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson and Woody Harrelson (who doesn't love Woody Harrelson?). However, I have to say that by far my favorite character was Seneca Crane/Wes Bentley's beard. That thing was fucking amazing.

The only part that I didn't like was the damn shaky camera, especially in the very beginning (pretty much everything that happens in District 12 before they get sent to The Capitol). Seriously, I had to look away from the screen several times because I felt dizzy. I don't know if it chilled out after that, or I just got used to it, but the remainder of the movie I was okay. Also, I want Jennifer Lawrence to be my new best friend, because she is freaking HILARIOUS in interviews.

21 Jump Street

This movie is surprisingly funny. It's too long by half, and the last chase scene is completely unnecessary, and neither of its leads is pleasant to look at, and it's way too bro-y/"bitches be stupid", but it has lots of genuinely hilarious moments and is fully aware of how absurd it is that it was ever made. Recommended!

Casa de mi Padre

I didn't see a single TV ad for Casa de mi Padre and had almost forgotten it was coming out. Then I read an article that said it was only being marketed to Latino audiences, which is pretty much the raddest thing I've ever heard, and also about the billionth reminder that I really need to be watching more Telemundo.

This movie is weird and awesome and you should probably go see it.

Franco of the Planet of the Apes

This movie is completely idiotic, but it's not like you don't know that going in, so I'm not going to waste time making a list of every stupid thing that was stupid even by CGI monkey movie standards.

What I will do is tell you I got shushed by my own companions twice during this movie. Once, after a character talked about profit and money and the bottom line for the 18th time in 3 minutes and I yelled SO WHAT'S THIS GUY'S MOTIVATION? And then again, when John fucking Lithgow showed up with crazy eyes and started playing the piano and I went OH NO. I stayed pretty quiet for all the monkey parts, though.

YES I KNOW APES AREN'T MONKEYS

Super 8

To be honest, I expected this to be a lot scarier. That is not to say that I didn't jump out of my seat every five minutes (making my friend laugh hysterically), but the previews I'd seen had made it seem much creepier.

At any rate, although the main cast consists of kid actors, they were very good. Good characterizations, and funny. I don't know why Elle Fanning is getting so much more attention than Joel Courtney, though. He was fabulous and adorable; she was okay--I mean, not bad, but I wasn't like, "Wow, that girl is going to kill it someday!" I can only assume she's getting so much attention because she happens to be Dakota Fanning's kid sister.

The monster was scarier when we couldn't really see him--I did love the small reflection in the gas puddle early on, though (my friend missed it, so look out for it!) Loved being able to see the actual Super 8 film at the end--too funny!

Overall, I enjoyed myself. The film has its scary moments, and even some gory ones, as well as plenty of comedy and explosions. It does have a Disney-like ending, however, so if you're expecting a bloodbath, you'll be disappointed.

Hesher

Hesher is a bit of a mixed bag because it's a boring lame indie movie wrapped around one of the greatest characters I've ever seen onscreen. Is it worth seeing? I'm not sure. Every once in a while, Hesher bursts in through the fourth wall of another dreary movie about Dysfunctional People Dealing With Life and does all kinds of awesome shit, and those parts of the movie are amazing. This Joseph Gordon Levitt kid, he's the real deal. The problem is, there aren't nearly enough Hesher parts, and there are way too many Sad Kid with Dead Mom parts. Oh, speaking of which, get ready for my Super 8 review.

The First Grader

I am such a slacker. I keep seeing movies and not reviewing them. Ah, summer.

Anyway, I am often coerced into seeing artsy movies with my mother; more often than not, I go in kicking and screaming only to leave having loved what I saw. Mothers are annoying like that. You'd think I'd just accept her judgement and move on, but no. Apparently I'm still stuck in my teenage ways many years later.

The First Grader is a sweet movie, based on a true story (but we know how that goes in Hollywood). The actor who played Maruge (the old man who is going back to school to learn to read) was excellent--just the right mix of quiet sadness and determination. I thought the flashback sequences could have been a little clearer--it wasn't obvious at first what was going on (like...if it was something happening simultaneously in other part of the country, or really WAS a flashback). Overall, it's not the BEST independent film I've seen, but it was sweet.

Kung Fu Panda 2

As you may recall, I freaking loved the original Kung Fu Panda. I thought it was pretty flawless. The sequel, therefore, had a lot to live up to.

It did a pretty good job: I laughed, I made "aww" sounds, I may have cried a little. I didn't think it was as funny as the first, though, but the story was still excellent. There was actually some character development from the first film, which is an amazing accomplishment these days in Hollywood, let alone in an animated film. So, I can't say that it's up there with the original, or How to Train Your Dragon, but still a very well done little movie. B+!

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In other news, why the holy fuck are they making a "Happy Feet 2"?! Seriously? I HATED the first one (and I'm the Disney nerd!) UGHHHHHH.

Thor

One word to Chris Hemsworth: Hel-lo!

This was not my favorite of the Avengers "series" of movies, but I didn't hate it either. Could've used more shirtless Chris Hemsworth, for sure.

I liked the "earth" parts far more than the "Asgard" parts, because I hate when things are so completely computer generated that they're too perfect. It was beautiful, but also slightly...off. I don't know how to explain it.

However, the fight scenes were excellent, things blew up, and I laughed. Also, it has Ray Stevenson in it, whom I love because he is awesome. I was afraid Natalie Portman would ruin this (not a huge fan of hers), but I actually liked her character, so that's a step in the right direction. Gotta say, though, I loved Kat Dennings (her sidekick) much more.

The Conspirator

The beginning of this film had me worried (when Lincoln gets shot. SPOILER!) Something about it was haphazard; the editing seemed strange and the dialog was bad--I would have rather seen the drama of that event without all the cuts back and forth between the main characters (and stupid Alexis Bledel, who made me cringe every time she was on screen--I could have done without her and her character in general). I suppose it was meant to be an all-in "here's everyone and their backgrounds!" all while Lincoln gets shot, but it wasn't done well.

Overall, though, I liked it. Robin Wright and James McAvoy were quite good, and I really liked Evan Rachel Wood's performance as the daughter. I'd probably see it again, but it's not my favorite historical drama.

How to Bore Even the Most Hard-Core Oregon Trail History Nerd to Fucking Death

1. Get her all excited by choosing a real historical thing (a trail cutoff) with some real historical characters (the titular Meek), and then do a good job with authentic costumes and props--this will help her get past the fact that an emigrant party of only three wagons in 1845? PLEASE. SERIOUSLY.

2. Make sure nothing interesting happens. At all. They find an Indian and then a wagon falls over.

3. Also make sure the music is boring as fuck so the movie doesn't even work as a scenic movie to have on in the background on Saturday movie.

All that said, I didn't hate Meek's Cutoff. The locations are very pretty and made me miss the Great Basin. The one pioneer lady who isn't Michelle Williams or Moaning Myrtle gives perhaps the worst performance I've ever seen, so that's pretty entertaining. And no one can deny there is ample calico.

Hanna

This movie could have cut out about 40 minutes' worth of footage of this weird albino kid running and still gotten its point across. And I want to live in the secret forest cottage from the beginning of the movie--it has a big fireplace with double-decker sleeping areas that look extremely comfortable. I'm tired.