Oz the Great and Powerful

Here is a list of the things I liked about Oz the Great and Powerful:

1).  Some of the (CGI) scenery.
2).  The banter between Finley (the monkey) and the china girl.
3).  Some of the tie-ins to both the original source material (e.g. Glinda is the Good Witch of the South, as she is in the books), and the 1939 movie (e.g. the Wicked Witch of the West is green and has a broom like the one in the 1939 film; some of the characters in the beginning appear as characters in Oz).

Here is a list of things I didn't like about this movie:

1).  EVERYTHING ELSE.

My biggest issue with this film was that there was SO MUCH potential for a great, interesting story about the Wizard's origin (as well as that of the wicked witches), but that was HORRIBLY and irrecoverably WASTED in favor of computer-generated bullshit.  Also, all of the acting (with the exception of Zach Braff, who spent most of the movie as the VOICE of a CGI monkey) was fucking awful.

I fully realize that there was no way this film could have ever lived up to the 1939 original, which is probably my favorite movie of all time, and has been since I was a kid. (For the record, I know that the 1939 movie is not much like the original Oz book, which I've read).

I knew from the first time I saw a preview that this movie would probably either be a stand-alone original take on the Oz universe, or maybe even based more on the original books.  I did not expect it to be like the MGM movie, but I did hope that it would at least be good.  I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.

ARGH.  We all know that I'm a Disney lover, but holy crap, Disney, what did you do to Oz?

Killer Joe

My brother and his girlfriend and I walked out of Killer Joe after literally two minutes, so I can't really review the whole movie. I can tell you the first two minutes are FUCKING TERRIBLE.

We scooted over to the next theater and watched Searching for Sugarman instead.

TO BE CONTINUED???

Movies I Don't Want to See: What to Expect When You're Expecting

We were in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago to see tiny singer-songwriter Paul Williams perform his greatest Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas-related songs, and it was great. The casino had a theater and we're too cheap to gamble, so after being all dressed up for the concert, we put on our sweatpants and went to see What to Expect When You're Expecting. Nobody wants to see this movie. It was exactly what we expected, so I can't really even get mad about it. I definitely can't spend the time it would take to list every thing that was horrible about it. And it's not like you need my warning to avoid this movie. If you saw it, you clearly also wanted to be eating movie popcorn in your sweatpants. And that's okay. Just don't let it happen again.

Dream House

Despite the fact that I don't get sick, I've been sick for two weeks. The only thing I want to do is lie on the couch and watch Alaska State Troopers, which has replaced old-timey Cops as the Best Show Ever. It's like Cops with moose. Every day I drag my tired, pathetic, croaky-voiced self to work and then just count down the minutes until I can be back home, lying on my peculiarly long couch watching Alaska State Troopers.

Today I was promised that a movie would be rented that was better than Alaska State Troopers, so I agreed to watch it. The movie was Dream House starring "I Guess I Should Have Read The Script Before I Agreed To This Shit" Daniel Craig. The movie was not better than Alaska State Troopers. It wasn't even better than Cops. I wish I could punch this movie in its weak-dialogued gimmicky-plot face.

Take Me Home Tonight. Wow.

The first 20 minutes of Take Me Home Tonight are mind-bogglingly unpleasant and ill-advised. I don't know what the rest is like since that's when we stomped out and got a refund.

On the upside, I saw DUDAMEL in the lobby.

Fuck You, The Tourist

UGH this whole goddamn movie is Angelina Jolie walking around with a smug look on her face while a bunch of European extras pretend to be awed by her beauty instead of horrified by her weird bony arms.

BLEAHHHHHHH.

Catfish

This movie is the biggest load of stupid indie bullshit I've ever seen. The only reason anyone goes to see it is because it's marketed as a movie full of MYSTERIOUS QUESTIONS, namely WHAT WILL HAPPEN? and IS IT REAL? Let me answer both questions for you. ANNOYING SHIT will happen and IT IS NOT REAL. After the first minute, I leaned over to my brother and said "it's fake." After the first ten minutes, I leaned over to him and said "if this doesn't end in a bloodbath I'm going to be VERY disappointed." After twenty minutes we weren't even bothering to lower our voices anymore and were just telling the stupid main character how much we hated him.

Now I don't want to spoil anything for you, but let's just say OH WAIT I DO want to spoil everything for you because this is a TERRIBLE MOVIE YOU SHOULD NOT SEE. There is no bloodbath, the whole goddamn thing is made up, and at the end the "dumb" guy magically unspools this whole ridiculous allegory about CATFISH so you're like "oh, how wonderful that this REAL NOT FAKE PERSON came up with the perfect allegory about his situation which ENCAPSULATES THE WHOLE GODDAMN MOVIE in a TOTALLY NATURAL AND UNMANUFACTURED WAY despite the fact that he's supposed to be HALF RETARDED."

FUCK YOU CATFISH!

Get Him to the BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO [inhaaaaale] OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Movies I Don't Want to See: Sex and the City 2

Ugh I just sat through the goddamned trailer for Sex and the City 2 and I almost killed myself right there in the movie theater. It was pretty much the worst thing I've ever seen. I can't put my finger on what's most depressing: seeing Sarah Jessica Parker in a lady tuxedo, hearing that tranny one from Big Trouble in Little China saying the words "Abu Dhabi", or knowing that a lot of women are going to go see this piss-drenched horrorshow and actually enjoy it. And then they're going to try to act like the horrible assholes of Sex and the City 2 (The Skankening) like it's a thing people should do. OK, I guess that last thing is the most depressing.

Now here's the rub: I didn't hate that TV show. I didn't love it, and I was annoyed by the "ladies love brand-name shoes" conspicuous consumption, but I liked that it was about four women who were friends. They didn't compete with each other or steal each other's menfolk, they were just friends, like normal ladies are in real life but hardly ever on the teevee. But that first movie, holy fucking hell, what a nightmare. All those stinky bitches did was change their outfits and have sex with gross dudes. It had none of the charm or humor of the original. Terrible. But you know what's more terrible? SEX AND THE CITY 2!

I mean, in this godforsaken thing, stupid turkey leg wearing a wig Sarah Jessica Parker walks into some sparkly room or whatever and actually says "We're not in Kansas anymore!" IN THE TRAILER SHE SAYS THIS. OH AH HA HA HA HA NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE. Even James Cameron had second thoughts when he had the bad guy say that line in Avatar. Oh, he used it anyway, but he hesitated for a moment and thought "wait, is this TOO hacky?" And I don't think it was in the TRAILER. Wait, was it? Actually, I think it was. OK, so cleverness-wise, at best Sex and the City 2 is at the Avatar level. AT BEST. Is this what we should be striving for, women of America? Is this what you want in your entertainment? AVATAR-LEVEL CLEVERNESS?

OMG YOU GUYS I'M SUCH A "MIRANDA"!!!!!!!!

Nine Is Terrible

If you go to Nine hoping to see Daniel Day Lewis's character from There Will Be Blood burst into song, I am here to tell you you will be sorely disappointed.

Leap Year

Instructions:

1) Go watch the preview for this movie.

2) Congratulations! You have now seen the entire plot (and can guess the ending), without the annoying parts, bad acting and horrible dialogue, PLUS saved some money!

You're welcome.

Lady Blogpants stole the best "New Moon Sucks" title.

This movie was a lot like the book, which is to say that it was somewhat entertaining but also completely ridiculous.

R. Patz is retarded for thinking Kristen Stewart can act. SHE CANNOT. Then again, neither can he. The only good actors in this movie were Billy Burke (Bella's dad) and Michael Sheen (creepy Aro).

Lining up to see this movie, I thought I saw quite a few Twi-hards or Twits or whatever they're called, but there was an awful lot of laughing during this film (especially during the retarded flash-forward to Bella as a vampire and Edward skipping through the forest all "tra-la-la!" coughlamecough).

Also, why must they make poor Jackson Rathbone (Jasper) look so horrid? He's a good looking kid, I swear!

I was vastly disappointed with the crappy wolf CGI, and angry that Rachelle Lefevre is not going to be in the next one. She was creepy and didn't even have any freaking lines (which is probably a blessing for her, really).

The best part of this movie-going experience for me was the first time Jacob/Taylor Lautner took off his shirt and someone in the audience gasped rather loudly--the rest of us laughed at that person (but secretly agreed).

Movies I Don't Want To See: G-Force.

Okay, so we all know by now that I'm the kid-movie junkie that loves animated features and iCarly on Nickelodeon (or...maybe you didn't know that last bit, but its true. That show is funny, yo). I am apparently a 12 year old in a 27 year old's body.

But this G-Force thing? OMG you guys.

It makes me ashamed to have ever been even remotely associated with Disney. Srsly. What were/are they thinking?

Besides the obvious stupidity and ridiculousness, I was annoyed that the preview talks about a secret government organization of animals, and yet all the main animals in the movie are guinea pigs (and a hamster (?) and a fly? What?). Dude. Where's the dog? The bunny, even? (I am aware that Disney hates cats). The witty and lovable goldfish?? ARGH. Where's the horse kicking ass and taking names?

For shame, Disney. FOR SHAME.

Movies I Don't Want To See, Exhibit B: Confessions of a Shopaholic

Unfortunately, I actually did see this movie. I blame the liberal media. Here is a synopsis:

Female Idiot: CLOTHES CLOTHES CLOTHES HONK BEEP

Male Idiot: RIDICULOUS CONTRIVANCES SQUAWK CHOMP

Female Idiot's Friend: I'M EYES AND A MOUTH ON A SKELETON BLAAAAAHHHHHH!

[Joan Cusack needs a new agent]

[John Goodman eats half the cast]

Female Idiot: LIE LIE LIE ISN'T IT ADORABLE HOW I'M AN ASSHOLE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR WITH HORRIBLE TASTE IN CLOTHES PEW PEW PEW

Male Idiot: SHOPPING! MAGAZINE!

[We descend to another level of hell with the appearance of JOHN FUCKING LITHGOW]

Female Idiot: BEEP BEEP BONK

Male Idiot: WEEEEEE OOOOOO WEEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOOO

Me: Well, it's not like I didn't know what I was getting into.

Movies I Don't Want to See, Exhibit A: He's Just Not That Into You

OK, first of all, why would I want to go see a movie adaptation of an advice book? Unless that advice book is "How To Blow Up A Bunch of Shit In Slow Motion", I am not interested.

Second of all, I can't take two hours of Scarlett Johansen and her weird voice and her complete lack of facial expressions or acting ability. Are we that desperate for non-eating-disordered actresses that we'll fall all over this one just for having hips? I, for one, am not. Bravo for eating food, ScarJo, but I'm afraid your key to the city was just given to Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger III.

Third of all, I love a good crappy rom com as much as the next halfwit, but I don't need any more movies telling me how vapid and neurotic I am because I am a single lady. Are there really women out there who do nothing but shop and dream about weddings and obsess over tiny dudes (seriously, I bet I outweigh Justin Long and that guy from Entourage put together)?

I mean, I know there are, I've seen Rock of Love on a Bus, but I refuse to believe they constitute a large enough demographic to drive the whole rom com genre. Of course, I also refuse to believe that there are hotels for dogs.

The Mamma Mia Curse

You know how Heath Ledger got SO DEEP into his role as the Joker in The Dark Knight that it KILLED him? I heard a similar thing about Mamma Mia. I heard Meryl Streep got so deep into her role as a horrible screaming flailing person with even more horrible screaming flailing eye-bugging friends and family that she killed everybody who saw this movie. She killed me. I'm sitting here writing this as a ghost.

Sex and the City: This one's MULTIMEDIA!

God, this movie is about 10 hours long. I laughed twice during it:

Once when I realized Chris Noth looks exactly like Sam the Eagle,
and once when I realized Sarah Jessica Parker looks exactly like a turkey leg wearing a wig.


Also: for a movie by, for, and about gay guys, this movie sure doesn't have many good-looking men in it. It in fact only has one. Most of the porking/necking scenes were pretty grim and during one of them I realized I had my face all squished up like a 7-year-old boy who'd rather kiss his baseball mitt than some stinky girl. This movie kind of made me want to never have sex again.

I wish I had Photoshop on this computer so I could put a wig on that turkey leg.