Breaking Dawn

I secretly really wanted to see this, if only to see how awful it was. It did not disappoint. Things dragged on, dialogue was clunky, Kristen Stewart only changed her facial expression twice. Also, I don't know how she and Rob Pattinson can be a real-life couple, because they have absolutely no chemistry on-screen.

The birth scene was just as awesome and awful and everything else you could possibly imagine--all I could do was sit there and laugh--there are just no words.

High points: Jackson Rathbone only had to attempt his southern accent twice, the wolves are all still awesome, and they used some kind of awesome movie magic to make Bella/Kristen look really, really scary skinny, so that was kind of impressive. I can't bring myself to hate this entirely, maybe because it really amuses me. Heh.

Getting Ruddical with Our Idiot Brother (GET IT??)

I don't remember too much about Our Idiot Brother. I remember Paul Rudd was his usual amount of good, and there was a cute doggy, and the sister characters were one-dimensional and stupid. Adam Scott was in it, and that's always nice. OH and T.J. Miller was really good in it. He's a comedian. That's how I know who he is. Because of my love for comedy. Laughter is the most precious gift, you guys.

Trollhunter

Continuing the roll that Rare Exports started, Trollhunter is another fantastic Scandinavian movie about mythical creatures getting awesome in the woods. If this is a new genre, I am thoroughly on board. Do you hear me, Norwegian-Finnish Film Institute?

This movie is about some kids making a documentary about a guy who has a top-secret job hunting trolls, and the guy looks a lot like my dad, which is pretty neat. (All my movie ratings are based on how much characters look like members of my immediate family). The trolls are SCARY and RAD and I LIKED THIS MOVIE A LOT.

Back in the Saddle!

Hello, four faithful readers! I am heartily sorry I haven't reviewed anything lately--I was busy writing the Guinness Book of World Records Longest Thesis of All Time. But I kind of kept track of what movies I've seen since August, so now I'll review all of them using my extremely faint memories! Get ready for the next post!

The Help

Wow, Hollywood. Bravo!

I laughed, I cried, I hated the villain, and I loved the heroine(s)...what more could a girl ask for? It was thought provoking (its hard to think that just 50 years ago we had that kind of shit going on in this country), and I was never bored. Now I need to read the book.

Attack the Block Again

I saw Attack the Block again and it continues to be awesome. It's finally been released in the U.S., so if you live in Los Angeles, New York, Seattle, Chicago, Austin, or San Francisco you can see it now. Starting August 19th, you can also see it in Boston, Orlando, Dallas, Atlanta, DC, or Phoenix.

If you live in Reno, you can instead see the exact same eight shitty movies that are playing at all four theaters in town, since they're all conveniently owned by the same company. I hear Glee in 3D hasn't technically killed anybody yet.

Cowboys and Aliens

I don't know what the hell you people are bitching about. Did you see how tight Daniel Craig's clothes were in this movie? Dude wore the fuck out of those chaps, plus his shirt came open or off a LOT. Did we have to look at any naked ladies? NO. Harrison Ford grandpa'd it up all over the Old West, and Sam Rockwell was even in it as the cutest old-timey bartender I ever did see.

This was a veritable cornucopia of hot guys past and present, with beautiful New Mexico locations and surprisingly accurate set and costume design. Plus aliens. What more can you possibly ask for? More hotness? Possibly, but if this movie had Ewan McGregor in it too I would've fainted right onto my fainting couch.

Yes, it was way too long, but on the whole I consider it a little gift from heaven...OR OUTER SPACE!

Franco of the Planet of the Apes

This movie is completely idiotic, but it's not like you don't know that going in, so I'm not going to waste time making a list of every stupid thing that was stupid even by CGI monkey movie standards.

What I will do is tell you I got shushed by my own companions twice during this movie. Once, after a character talked about profit and money and the bottom line for the 18th time in 3 minutes and I yelled SO WHAT'S THIS GUY'S MOTIVATION? And then again, when John fucking Lithgow showed up with crazy eyes and started playing the piano and I went OH NO. I stayed pretty quiet for all the monkey parts, though.

YES I KNOW APES AREN'T MONKEYS

Bridesmaids

With some tighter editing, better writing for Maya Rudolph, and the excision of the food poisoning scene (aka Hey 14 Year Old Boys Look at Us We're Puking and Shitting Too This Isn't a Chick Flick Tell Your Friends), this would have been one of the best comedies ever made. As it is, it's a solid movie with a lot of hilarious laffs and some good believable characters--Kristin Wiig and Melissa McCarthy's manage to balance out Rose Byrne and Maya Rudolph's weirdly one-dimensional ones. Plus it has Roy from the IT Crowd! Hi Roy! I was Moss at Comic-Con!

The main thing about this movie, though, is that it was clearly written by women, for women, with jokes that are aimed at women*, and unlike most movies supposedly for women, it actually LIKES WOMEN. Thanks, Kristin Wiig! I haven't seen a movie written FOR ME since, what, Thelma and Louise? Is this what it feels like for 14-year-old boys every time they go to the movies? DADDY LIKE!

Bridesmaids: see it if you like things that are rad!

*Exhibit A: when Wiig tells Jon Hamm about her fictitious other boyfriend "George Glass" and he mushes her boob around like every other guy who's never learned what nipples are for and says "yeah but can he do THIS?" and she says "Probably." My buddy and I died laughing all over the theater. Also, George Glass was Jan Brady's imaginary boyfriend, so that's pretty awesome.

Cowboys Vs. Aliens Vs. Indiana Jones Vs. Indians Vs. Aliens

I have not been so disappointed in a movie since Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Even Shia LaBeouf couldn't have made this movie any worse. Well, maybe he could have. Anyway, the point is, I don't understand how you could make a movie with Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, cowboys, and aliens, and have it be so infuriatingly dull. At first it was fun watching Harrison Ford enjoy hamming up his awful, one-dimensional robot cowboy character, but eventually even he got bored with it. My advice to the purveyors of this crap: go back and add lots of nude Daniel Craig. Oh yeah, and take out all the dialogue and all the other characters. Then this movie would suck less.