Movies I Don't Want to See: Sex and the City 2

Ugh I just sat through the goddamned trailer for Sex and the City 2 and I almost killed myself right there in the movie theater. It was pretty much the worst thing I've ever seen. I can't put my finger on what's most depressing: seeing Sarah Jessica Parker in a lady tuxedo, hearing that tranny one from Big Trouble in Little China saying the words "Abu Dhabi", or knowing that a lot of women are going to go see this piss-drenched horrorshow and actually enjoy it. And then they're going to try to act like the horrible assholes of Sex and the City 2 (The Skankening) like it's a thing people should do. OK, I guess that last thing is the most depressing.

Now here's the rub: I didn't hate that TV show. I didn't love it, and I was annoyed by the "ladies love brand-name shoes" conspicuous consumption, but I liked that it was about four women who were friends. They didn't compete with each other or steal each other's menfolk, they were just friends, like normal ladies are in real life but hardly ever on the teevee. But that first movie, holy fucking hell, what a nightmare. All those stinky bitches did was change their outfits and have sex with gross dudes. It had none of the charm or humor of the original. Terrible. But you know what's more terrible? SEX AND THE CITY 2!

I mean, in this godforsaken thing, stupid turkey leg wearing a wig Sarah Jessica Parker walks into some sparkly room or whatever and actually says "We're not in Kansas anymore!" IN THE TRAILER SHE SAYS THIS. OH AH HA HA HA HA NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE. Even James Cameron had second thoughts when he had the bad guy say that line in Avatar. Oh, he used it anyway, but he hesitated for a moment and thought "wait, is this TOO hacky?" And I don't think it was in the TRAILER. Wait, was it? Actually, I think it was. OK, so cleverness-wise, at best Sex and the City 2 is at the Avatar level. AT BEST. Is this what we should be striving for, women of America? Is this what you want in your entertainment? AVATAR-LEVEL CLEVERNESS?

OMG YOU GUYS I'M SUCH A "MIRANDA"!!!!!!!!

Date Night

Date Night is pretty good. Some of the jokes are bleh but more are funny, plus there's a car chase that's at least 60% real cars driving around and crashing into each other, not just shitty CGI + someone jiggling a camera. This movie is no Hot Tub Time Machine, but it's a solid comedyfilm.

Clash of the Titans in Three Dee!

An Open Letter to Future Jen: The next time you're going to go watch a 3D movie, please remember that 3D movies make you want to hurl.

The 3D part of this movie isn't even that great. Overall, it was actually a little boring and the action more chaotic than interesting, but if you fill the screen with enough hot demi-god I can watch pretty much anything. However, I would like to point out that the flashing of hairy man-leg under a short tunic is not that sexy.

Additionally, I am over the Friesian horse fad. I don't mean this in a racist way, but Pegasus is supposed to be white, not black! Take your designer horse trend to another venue. I blame you, Martha Stewart!