Weird Science II: The Social Network

This movie is pretty amazing because it's the perfect nerd fantasy: everyone will cheer you on while you write code, then Asian chicks will give you blowjobs because you invented Facebook, then you make a million no a BILLION dollars, and then you make fun of jocks to their face and they can't do anything about it because you're in a room full of grownups in suits. Also: everyone will be SUPER DUPER PSYCHED about Facebook the very first time they hear about it, because in this world Friendster and Myspace don't exist.

Yes, it's fictionalized, and makes no bones about it, so I don't want to hear your "but thiiis part wasn't truuuuue" baloney. Why would anyone want to know the truth about how some nerd invented Facebook? Oh, you sat around writing code and then you put it on the internet and then you got some venture capital? Oh. If I wanted to watch that for two hours I'd zorp back to 1997 and visit every single one of my friends who were doing the same thing.

Good ol walkin talkin Aaron Sorkin does a tremendous job of making it obvious which parts are extra-fake, mostly by inventing obvious coincidences: oh hi, inventor of Napster who happens to live across the street from me and was staring right at my chimney when it fell down so you came over to check if everything is okay and yes you can join my new business! Oh hey twins, I just heard about your big boat race--on FACEBOOK! That boat race scene is one of the coolest things I've seen in a movie in a long time, by the way.

Oh, and the Winklevoss twins are really really great. I just found out they were played by ONE GUY through the magic of digital wizardry, so he goes on my list of people who should get nominated for a best supporting actor Oscar but probably won't be.

THE SOCIAL NETWORK!

Catfish

This movie is the biggest load of stupid indie bullshit I've ever seen. The only reason anyone goes to see it is because it's marketed as a movie full of MYSTERIOUS QUESTIONS, namely WHAT WILL HAPPEN? and IS IT REAL? Let me answer both questions for you. ANNOYING SHIT will happen and IT IS NOT REAL. After the first minute, I leaned over to my brother and said "it's fake." After the first ten minutes, I leaned over to him and said "if this doesn't end in a bloodbath I'm going to be VERY disappointed." After twenty minutes we weren't even bothering to lower our voices anymore and were just telling the stupid main character how much we hated him.

Now I don't want to spoil anything for you, but let's just say OH WAIT I DO want to spoil everything for you because this is a TERRIBLE MOVIE YOU SHOULD NOT SEE. There is no bloodbath, the whole goddamn thing is made up, and at the end the "dumb" guy magically unspools this whole ridiculous allegory about CATFISH so you're like "oh, how wonderful that this REAL NOT FAKE PERSON came up with the perfect allegory about his situation which ENCAPSULATES THE WHOLE GODDAMN MOVIE in a TOTALLY NATURAL AND UNMANUFACTURED WAY despite the fact that he's supposed to be HALF RETARDED."

FUCK YOU CATFISH!

Crappy movie I can't wait to see: Secretariat

Holy cow, I can't wait to spend 2 hours watching Disney ruin the story of Secretariat! I can't imagine how seeing the movie will affect my review of what will surely be a classic Disney smorgasbord of ridiculous exaggeration and inaccuracy coupled with a cozy feel-good story, but I guess I should wait. I am looking forward to seeing how they make us all empathize with the richy-rich blue-bloods of Thoroughbred racing, possibly the most removed-from-reality people on earth. Secretariat is not exactly a rags-to-riches story; he's more of a really really fucking rich to even more really really fucking rich story.

That being said, I seriously can't wait to spend two hours watching horses run around on the big screen. I hope they don't muck it up showing stupid Diane Lane all the time.

Another short movie review: Easy A

Thanks for ruining Huck Finn for everybody, asshats.