How to Bore Even the Most Hard-Core Oregon Trail History Nerd to Fucking Death

1. Get her all excited by choosing a real historical thing (a trail cutoff) with some real historical characters (the titular Meek), and then do a good job with authentic costumes and props--this will help her get past the fact that an emigrant party of only three wagons in 1845? PLEASE. SERIOUSLY.

2. Make sure nothing interesting happens. At all. They find an Indian and then a wagon falls over.

3. Also make sure the music is boring as fuck so the movie doesn't even work as a scenic movie to have on in the background on Saturday movie.

All that said, I didn't hate Meek's Cutoff. The locations are very pretty and made me miss the Great Basin. The one pioneer lady who isn't Michelle Williams or Moaning Myrtle gives perhaps the worst performance I've ever seen, so that's pretty entertaining. And no one can deny there is ample calico.

Hanna

This movie could have cut out about 40 minutes' worth of footage of this weird albino kid running and still gotten its point across. And I want to live in the secret forest cottage from the beginning of the movie--it has a big fireplace with double-decker sleeping areas that look extremely comfortable. I'm tired.

Rio

First, I would like to take a moment to thank Duran Duran for having a song that gets stuck in my head every time I see the word "Rio." (You're welcome everyone!)

I didn't hate this. Part of it made me laugh, parts I thought were stupid. I did NOT like the musical numbers--they didn't fit right and felt awkward (and I typically LOVE musicals!) I thought this would have been much better as a straight forward cartoon. The Will.i.am bird was my favorite.

Also, I much prefer Jesse Eisenberg when he's doing comedy, rather than a grumpy-faced goon, so it gets points for that.

Rio: Animation of Hate

This movie is a slyly packaged anti-immigrant manifesto cleverly disguised as a cute cartoon for kids. It is a biting critique of the Anglicized Latino who has forgotten his roots, with sentiments echoing the real-life tensions between traditional culture and Americanization felt in immigrant communities, and between immigrants and those who stayed behind. At the end our hero, the immigrant bird "I'm too cool for the E" Blu, can achieve salvation only by returning not only to his cultural roots but to his actual home country, a thinly veiled assertion that immigrants should go back to where they came from. Undertones of colonialism can also be felt, such as when the poor little brown orphan boy must be saved by the white couple. George Lopez as the voice of the hen-pecked toucan is the ironic icing on this great big racist cake.

BATTLE LOS ANGELES

I have fucking had it with filmmakers who make movies about Huge Disasters like alien invasions and catastrophic climate change and meteors smashing into the earth and spend the whole movie focusing on a small group of characters. I want to see wonders of the world getting leveled, panicky mobs, and wholescale destruction. I do not want to spend two hours watching a small group of soldiers carrying out a tiny mission in Santa Monica while all the cool shit is blowing up elsewhere.

That said, Battle Los Angeles has tremendously awesomely cliched dialogue and characters, including One Day from Retirement Guy, Rookie Guy, Guy with Everything to Live for Guy, Black Guy, Guy with Glasses and WWII-Era Communication Backpack Guy (the last two are actually the same guy), Guy with Chip on His Shoulder Guy, Sexy Veterinarian Lady Guy, and Adorable Child in Peril Guy. You can go see it if you want.