The Nicolas Cage's Apprentice

Spoiler alert: THIS IS A FUCKING KIDS' MOVIE.

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

I had high hopes for this one, especially when Lady Blogpants and I saw Jerry Bruckheimer's fancy logo before it started. "This bodes well!" she said, and I agreed. Alas, I'm of the opinion that we totally jinxed it.

Nicolas Cage was pretty much the best part of this movie. Don't get me wrong, I love Jay Baruchel (he did the voice of the main character in my favorite movie so far this year), but I felt like he was stifled and his humor under-used.

Things were too corny, too sappy; it was like watching a giant cliche. This could have been SO MUCH better. (Also, SPOILER ALERT, "The Prime Merlin-ian"?? SERIOUSLY? Who bought this script? God, Disney, get your shit together.)

The best part was when Nicolas Cage yelled the line "BECAUSE I CAN READ MINDS!" and Lady Blogpants burst out laughing. I think the people around us thought we were nuts.

Another short movie review: Jonah Hex

Was it really so hard to find two matching plain bay horses that you just hoped we wouldn't notice that in some scenes, Jonah Hex's horse has a white star on his forehead but in other scenes, he has no white at all? I WAS NOT FOOLED, JONAH HEX.

P.S. Scientific tests show that I would, indeed, still do Josh Brolin despite the presence of massive facial scarring.

Eclipse

This movie comprises solid scientific evidence that a one-dimensional world is not, in fact, just a theory. I can't believe people actually like this movie or any of these characters or can sustain interest in this "storyline" for longer than 5 seconds. I think the Peeps version was better acted (What do you mean, nobody has made a Peeps version yet?). I've watched more interesting hairballs. Why on earth would two boys fight over Robot Bella, who is blander than vanilla icing on vanilla cake and has no discernible personality whatsoever? I heard that at one point in the movie they started using a cardboard cutout of Kristen Stewart instead of the actual human to save money, but they had to switch back because the cardboard cutout was too emotive.

There is a Facebook group called "When I was your age, it was Buffy and Angel, not Edward and Bella." Hmph! I knew Buffy and Angel, and you, Edward and Bella, are NO Buffy and Angel.

Knight and Day

I don't know what it is, but somehow I am falling more and more in love with Tom Cruise. Maybe I like crazy, I don't know.

Meanwhile, I rather liked this film. The ending is predictable, but kinda sweet, and Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz make a pretty good comedy duo. That being said, they show pretty much all the good parts in the damn trailer, which makes them less funny/anti-climactic when you're watching the actual film (douche-bag trailer-maker-person), but all in all I liked it. I don't know that I'll ever own it, but we'll see.

If you're unsure based on my review here, I should probably inform you that my mother LOVED this movie, wants to see it again, and has been downloading various songs from the soundtrack. Take that how you will.

ETA: Because I can't spell.

Jonah Hex

I knew nothing about this one going in, except that Megan Fox wears a corset in it that makes her waist look TEENY.

Happily, it actually didn't suck. It came off as quite comic-booky, which is good since it apparently was one. Megan Fox didn't annoy me, and Josh Brolin is always awesome (residual Goonies love).

Also, this movie has one of my celebrity boyfriends in it (though, really, he's only my celebrity boyfriend in his 300 incarnation), as a pretty excellent minion of the main villain (John Malkovich, who is also pretty good, in case you care).

All in all, entertaining, stuff blows up, people die. Yay action films!

Twilight: Eclipse

So of course I went to see Twilight III, and it was awful. But it wasn't any worse than I knew it was going to be, so I don't really have anything to say about it. I feel like we've come to some kind of agreement. The Twilight series agrees to have horrible writing, acting, and special effects, and in return, I agree to be in a movie theater eating popcorn.

Since I don't have anything useful to say, here's a picture of a DVD cover my brother and I photoshopped, printed, and used to replace the original cover on a Jennifer Garner movie we rented three years ago.