Unfortunately, I actually did see this movie. I blame the liberal media. Here is a synopsis:
Female Idiot: CLOTHES CLOTHES CLOTHES HONK BEEP
Male Idiot: RIDICULOUS CONTRIVANCES SQUAWK CHOMP
Female Idiot's Friend: I'M EYES AND A MOUTH ON A SKELETON BLAAAAAHHHHHH!
[Joan Cusack needs a new agent]
[John Goodman eats half the cast]
Female Idiot: LIE LIE LIE ISN'T IT ADORABLE HOW I'M AN ASSHOLE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR WITH HORRIBLE TASTE IN CLOTHES PEW PEW PEW
Male Idiot: SHOPPING! MAGAZINE!
[We descend to another level of hell with the appearance of JOHN FUCKING LITHGOW]
Female Idiot: BEEP BEEP BONK
Male Idiot: WEEEEEE OOOOOO WEEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOOO
Me: Well, it's not like I didn't know what I was getting into.
February 17, 2009
Movies I Don't Want to See, Exhibit A: He's Just Not That Into You
OK, first of all, why would I want to go see a movie adaptation of an advice book? Unless that advice book is "How To Blow Up A Bunch of Shit In Slow Motion", I am not interested.
Second of all, I can't take two hours of Scarlett Johansen and her weird voice and her complete lack of facial expressions or acting ability. Are we that desperate for non-eating-disordered actresses that we'll fall all over this one just for having hips? I, for one, am not. Bravo for eating food, ScarJo, but I'm afraid your key to the city was just given to Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger III.
Third of all, I love a good crappy rom com as much as the next halfwit, but I don't need any more movies telling me how vapid and neurotic I am because I am a single lady. Are there really women out there who do nothing but shop and dream about weddings and obsess over tiny dudes (seriously, I bet I outweigh Justin Long and that guy from Entourage put together)?
I mean, I know there are, I've seen Rock of Love on a Bus, but I refuse to believe they constitute a large enough demographic to drive the whole rom com genre. Of course, I also refuse to believe that there are hotels for dogs.
Second of all, I can't take two hours of Scarlett Johansen and her weird voice and her complete lack of facial expressions or acting ability. Are we that desperate for non-eating-disordered actresses that we'll fall all over this one just for having hips? I, for one, am not. Bravo for eating food, ScarJo, but I'm afraid your key to the city was just given to Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger III.
Third of all, I love a good crappy rom com as much as the next halfwit, but I don't need any more movies telling me how vapid and neurotic I am because I am a single lady. Are there really women out there who do nothing but shop and dream about weddings and obsess over tiny dudes (seriously, I bet I outweigh Justin Long and that guy from Entourage put together)?
I mean, I know there are, I've seen Rock of Love on a Bus, but I refuse to believe they constitute a large enough demographic to drive the whole rom com genre. Of course, I also refuse to believe that there are hotels for dogs.
February 14, 2009
Slumdog Millionaire, Or, The Importance of Being Poor and Earnest
This movie was relatively entertaining considering it contained cardboard cutouts instead of actual human actors. What? Those were real people? In that case, I have a considerably less favorable opinion of it.
There are 4 people in this movie. Bad Guy #1 (there are actually several of these, but they're all basically the same character), Bad Guy #2 (who does one not-completely-shitty thing in the end, so I guess that makes him Complicated), Pretty Girl, and the male lead, Boring Nice Guy, who spent the entire time walking around being Earnest and Innocent such that I wanted to slap the wide-eyed expression right off his Precious Moments face. Still, this movie is worth watching, unless it's Saturday night and there's a new episode of Cops on.
There are 4 people in this movie. Bad Guy #1 (there are actually several of these, but they're all basically the same character), Bad Guy #2 (who does one not-completely-shitty thing in the end, so I guess that makes him Complicated), Pretty Girl, and the male lead, Boring Nice Guy, who spent the entire time walking around being Earnest and Innocent such that I wanted to slap the wide-eyed expression right off his Precious Moments face. Still, this movie is worth watching, unless it's Saturday night and there's a new episode of Cops on.
February 9, 2009
Defiance
aka: Up Liev Schreiber's Nose or How Pretty Are Daniel Craig's Eyes?
I'm too lazy to do my normal format for this , so I'm just going to summarize:
Too many up-close shots. Liev Schreiber and Daniel Craig are cute and all, but I don't need to see up their noses or their pores in excruciating detail. kthxbai. Also, there were a few cheesy dialogue moments.
Other than that, I liked it. An interesting story, and who doesn't love a movie set during WWII?
(Wow, that was much easier than how I usually do things. I might have to give up on my candy-themed reviews.)
I'm too lazy to do my normal format for this , so I'm just going to summarize:
Too many up-close shots. Liev Schreiber and Daniel Craig are cute and all, but I don't need to see up their noses or their pores in excruciating detail. kthxbai. Also, there were a few cheesy dialogue moments.
Other than that, I liked it. An interesting story, and who doesn't love a movie set during WWII?
(Wow, that was much easier than how I usually do things. I might have to give up on my candy-themed reviews.)
Defiance
Dear Hollywood,
More Nazi-killing set to klezmer music please!
Sincerely,
Lady Blogpants of Renotowne
P.S. Thank you, Defiance, for giving me a new variation on the "That's Your Boyfriend" game: "That's Your Forest Husband".
More Nazi-killing set to klezmer music please!
Sincerely,
Lady Blogpants of Renotowne
P.S. Thank you, Defiance, for giving me a new variation on the "That's Your Boyfriend" game: "That's Your Forest Husband".
February 7, 2009
The Soloist
What is the fucking deal with The Soloist? Its trailer has been playing before every single movie I've seen for at least six months. The thing still doesn't even have a release date--the trailer just says "Spring". Not even "Spring 2009". Just "Spring". For all I know, it's spring 2011. Probably is. Don't know what's going on with my sentences right now.
Oh, and also this movie looks completely horrible. I'm sure that's just a coincidence. God damned Jamie Fox and his no eyebrows inspirational schizophrenic homeless cello-playing character make me want to kill myself.
Oh, and also this movie looks completely horrible. I'm sure that's just a coincidence. God damned Jamie Fox and his no eyebrows inspirational schizophrenic homeless cello-playing character make me want to kill myself.
February 5, 2009
Another Short Movie Review: Milk
I have never been so elated at a suicide as I was when Harvey Milk's obnoxious Latin lover Jack Lira hanged himself near the end of this movie.
Other than that, this movie was compelling and entertaining enough that I only slightly noticed that it is 12 hours long (there's an intermission in the middle, just like in Gone With the Wind) and that according to this account, Harvey Milk was completely devoid of political ambition for his whole life until one day he's all, "Hey, I'm gay, and on a slightly related note, perchance I will run for office."
p.s. I did NOT cry at the candlelight memorial procession. NO, I DIDN'T. My contacts were bothering me.
Other than that, this movie was compelling and entertaining enough that I only slightly noticed that it is 12 hours long (there's an intermission in the middle, just like in Gone With the Wind) and that according to this account, Harvey Milk was completely devoid of political ambition for his whole life until one day he's all, "Hey, I'm gay, and on a slightly related note, perchance I will run for office."
p.s. I did NOT cry at the candlelight memorial procession. NO, I DIDN'T. My contacts were bothering me.
January 26, 2009
Spongebob Millionaire
I liked Slumdog Millionaire all right. It was basically just Trainspotting in India, only not as good and thankgodfully free of horrible rotating-headed dead babies that crawl across the ceiling towards me AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH. That is seriously one of the few movie scenes I cannot bear to watch. At all. I will watch Ewan McGregor diving into a toilet one million times before I will watch the terrifying Trainspotting baby again. That thing scared the holy hell out of me.
Anyway, regarding Slumdog Millionaire, I'm not sure what all the awards fuss is about. It's a decent movie, slow in parts, with a teeth-grindingly one-dimensional female character. She might as well have been a blow-up doll with a bindi. The movie is saved mostly by its child actors, who are totally fucking adorable. There's a sentence I've never written before. I hereby float the theory that non-American child actors are less annoying than American ones.
SPEAKing of comparing things, Slumdog Millionaire isn't that great a movie, but it's about a slumdog million times better than Benjamin Butthole. The Oscars are usually a pretty big joke, but this year, hoo boy. Someone let Mickey Rooney into the nominations room again.
Anyway, regarding Slumdog Millionaire, I'm not sure what all the awards fuss is about. It's a decent movie, slow in parts, with a teeth-grindingly one-dimensional female character. She might as well have been a blow-up doll with a bindi. The movie is saved mostly by its child actors, who are totally fucking adorable. There's a sentence I've never written before. I hereby float the theory that non-American child actors are less annoying than American ones.
SPEAKing of comparing things, Slumdog Millionaire isn't that great a movie, but it's about a slumdog million times better than Benjamin Butthole. The Oscars are usually a pretty big joke, but this year, hoo boy. Someone let Mickey Rooney into the nominations room again.
January 22, 2009
Milk
Milk is really an extremely good movie. I don't have anything critical to say about it.
OK, that's not true. One thing. Sean Penn as gregarious gay New Yorker Harvey Milk sounds an awful lot like Sean Penn going full retard in I Am Sam. But you'll get past that. It's a fine film.
OK, that's not true. One thing. Sean Penn as gregarious gay New Yorker Harvey Milk sounds an awful lot like Sean Penn going full retard in I Am Sam. But you'll get past that. It's a fine film.
January 7, 2009
CC: Yes Man
Ah Jim Carrey. You look so old these days. But you're still funny!
Good and Plenty:
~Bradley Cooper. Hello. I know I've seen you somewhere before, but can't remember where. You're rather handsome. Please call me.
~I didn't realize this movie actually took place in L.A. until a scene where Jim Carrey goes to Spaceland. Where my friend's brother's girlfriend totally used to work! Which makes me sad, for being so naive, but also super excited! I recognized the ATM by the front door! WHEE!
~I loved the interaction between Carl (Jim) and his boss.
~On that note, the guy who played his boss (Rhys Darby) was awesome. I don't think I've seen him anywhere before, but he was hilarious.
Sour Patch Kids:
~One particular scene, which I won't spoil for you but which Lady Blogpants totally guessed, made me totally squirm.
~Got a little tired near the end.
~Zooey Deschanel, who I actually like, DOES really look like Katy Perry. And in this movie, her character sings. This wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't gone on FOREVER.
Good and Plenty:
~Bradley Cooper. Hello. I know I've seen you somewhere before, but can't remember where. You're rather handsome. Please call me.
~I didn't realize this movie actually took place in L.A. until a scene where Jim Carrey goes to Spaceland. Where my friend's brother's girlfriend totally used to work! Which makes me sad, for being so naive, but also super excited! I recognized the ATM by the front door! WHEE!
~I loved the interaction between Carl (Jim) and his boss.
~On that note, the guy who played his boss (Rhys Darby) was awesome. I don't think I've seen him anywhere before, but he was hilarious.
Sour Patch Kids:
~One particular scene, which I won't spoil for you but which Lady Blogpants totally guessed, made me totally squirm.
~Got a little tired near the end.
~Zooey Deschanel, who I actually like, DOES really look like Katy Perry. And in this movie, her character sings. This wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't gone on FOREVER.
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