Concession Confession: THE INCREDIBLE HULK

I'm such a slacker. I totally saw this movie with Lady Blogpants and Blogtastic, and I've been naughty and not posting.

THE SCOOP:

Good and Plenty:
~This version sucked less than the one with Eric Bana.
~The gentleman who played the bad guy, Tim Roth, was definitely creepy enough. Yowsa.
~The first five minutes (during the credits). This played very comic booky to me, which I liked. And there was no dialog. Coincidence?
~The last two minutes.


Sour Patch Kids:
~What the crap was up with Liv Tyler's upper lip? It looked weird. It bothered me the whole freaking movie. In fact, Liv Tyler bothered me in general, and usually I can stand her. I didn't even mind her in LOTR (which I realize may make me a traitor to my nerd brethren, but whatever).
~I did not need to see skinny Edward Norton (despite my like of him) naked, curled up in a fetal position, in a shower. DO NOT WANT.
~I was pretty sure my ears would be bleeding when I left the theater (amazingly, they were not, but I'm now partially deaf). The amount of noise (in the form of Hulk yelling retardedly, explosions, and a retarded sonar related scene) in this movie was obnoxious to say the least. Ugh.
~I prefer my superheroes, when they're leaping about buildings, to not DESTROY them as they go.
~"Do you want me to walk you to the bus stop?" Need I say more? I liked Lady Blogpants' response in the theater: "Oh, that's going to go well."
~I think Lady Blogpants also summoned it up when she compared the Hulk to a kid. But really, when are men not like kids? (I WENT THERE).

Short Movie Review: The Incredible Hulk

There is a scene in this movie where a fat lady in sweats inspires Bruce Banner to buy stretchy pants in anticipation of his next hulktastic episode. This pour soul is actually listed in the credits (as "Large Woman"), even though her entire part in the movie consists of about 4 seconds of ass shot. This brings us to one of life's important questions: Would you rather not be remembered at all, or remembered as the big-assed lady in sweats? Sometimes, all life gives you are equally unattractive options.

The Incredible Hulk

This is the most boring cartoon I've seen in a while. So here's what I recommend you do: go to the theater and see Ironman. When it's over, sneak into The Incredible Hulk, which conveniently will be about to end. Watch the last two minutes. You just saw the best part, which will just make you want to go see Ironman again, which you probably should. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Short Movie Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I case you were wondering, I would still totally do Harrison Ford even though he's about a hundred years old and married to a mouth attached to a skeleton (aka Calista Flockhart).

Concession Confession: KUNG FU PANDA

Before I begin, I realized that we, the bloggers of this fabulous movie blog, have yet to do little biographies of ourselves for you, the readers, so that you could better understand what types of movies we each love or hate (and other useless information) that would allow you to maybe know whose blogs to look for if you have similar movie tastes, or whatever. Sorry. We're slackers. We'll get on that right away *cough*.

If you hadn't already guessed ("Cinemarella" is a big clue), I'm a big fan of animated features, Disney or not (though, I have a giant soft spot for anything Disney, of course, as I sold them my soul when I went to work for them awhile back). That being said, my reviews of said movies might be slightly bias. Ahem.

THE INSIDE SCOOP:

Good and Plenty:
~The opening of this movie is fabulous, and my brother and I were hooked from the start. We were "blinded by awesomeness," as it were.
~Great voice characterization and computer animation.
~HILARIOUS. Enough silly jokes to entertain the kiddies, but also some jokes that are a little more grown up. Best part? There weren't any fart jokes! Zomg.
~I think that even if you don't like Jack Black, or any of his other movies, you'll like this one. He does a cute job as the panda, yet you totally know its him, because he says things like, "Skadoosh!"
~Cute plot, and as far as an animated feature moral goes, a nice one.
~My favorite scene is totally the acupuncture scene. This movie wins simply for this scene and both Jack Black and Seth Rogan's participation in it.

Sour Patch Kids:
When I left the theater last night, I literally couldn't think of anything to put here. Since I've had some time to think about it a little, I've come up with two things:

~I couldn't figure out what the hell type of animal Shifu (the Kung Fu teacher) was. Google tells me he was a "red panda," which? PRECIOUS.
~I was puzzled near the beginning that the Tiger, called Tigress (dar), didn't look particularly feminine, yet had a feminine name. Until she spoke and I realized it was totally Angelina Jolie.

Sex and the City: This one's MULTIMEDIA!

God, this movie is about 10 hours long. I laughed twice during it:

Once when I realized Chris Noth looks exactly like Sam the Eagle,
and once when I realized Sarah Jessica Parker looks exactly like a turkey leg wearing a wig.


Also: for a movie by, for, and about gay guys, this movie sure doesn't have many good-looking men in it. It in fact only has one. Most of the porking/necking scenes were pretty grim and during one of them I realized I had my face all squished up like a 7-year-old boy who'd rather kiss his baseball mitt than some stinky girl. This movie kind of made me want to never have sex again.

I wish I had Photoshop on this computer so I could put a wig on that turkey leg.

Wherein I review the movie Ironman

Good God! Could Robert Downey Jr. get any hotter? I could watch this movie all day.

On a sadder note, I was depressed by a world in which The Dude is a two-faced traitor. Who's abiding now, Dude?

Random movie rant.

I have some movie related addictions, namely IMDB and movies.yahoo.com, where I watch or check out all the latest trailers or movie news. Today I stumbled upon a link to the new Mummy movie (or The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, if you will), which had a shiny new link to the trailer (which looks pretty good), but also told me something I already knew, and that annoyed me (and continues to annoy me, obviously), which was that Rachel Weisz is not returning as Evelyn in this (and subsequent) movies, but the role will instead be played by Maria Bello.

There are many many things wrong with this, in my humble opinion. First, it ALWAYS annoys me when the original actors don't return to play their characters, unless its something like they've aged (i.e. Alex O'Connell, Evy and Rick's son, is played by a different (and older) actor in the new movie, obviously), or the new person rocks the house (which almost never happens). Plus, it annoys me when they don't come back for the reason(s) Rachel isn't coming back which are "artistic differences" and/or "disagreements with the script." Thanks, Rachel. Now the character bunches of us have been attached to since the original movie is being played by a twat (more on that in a second), all because you want to be artsy fartsy.

Secondly, Maria Bello is AMERICAN, which means she'll be faking (probably poorly) an English accent, which never goes well. I didn't really give a crud about Maria in general, having not really seen her in any movies except Coyote Ugly (hee), until my discovery upon reading imdb and wikipedia regarding the movie today, and Maria's portrayal of Evelyn in particular:

"Maria Bello signed a contract to do the next 3 Mummy movies. It has also been stated by Maria Bello that her version of Evelyn is different than Rachel Weisz's incarnation."

Wait...what? Its the same character! What does that even mean? Ugh. So my hopes for the new Mummy movie (due out in August, according to IMDB) have fallen. I don't know if Brendan Fraser and Jet Li can save it (though, I might see it anyway, cause the new kid who plays Alex, Luke Ford, is kinda pretty--though also not English, but Australian. /sigh).