Lady Blogpants stole the best "New Moon Sucks" title.

This movie was a lot like the book, which is to say that it was somewhat entertaining but also completely ridiculous.

R. Patz is retarded for thinking Kristen Stewart can act. SHE CANNOT. Then again, neither can he. The only good actors in this movie were Billy Burke (Bella's dad) and Michael Sheen (creepy Aro).

Lining up to see this movie, I thought I saw quite a few Twi-hards or Twits or whatever they're called, but there was an awful lot of laughing during this film (especially during the retarded flash-forward to Bella as a vampire and Edward skipping through the forest all "tra-la-la!" coughlamecough).

Also, why must they make poor Jackson Rathbone (Jasper) look so horrid? He's a good looking kid, I swear!

I was vastly disappointed with the crappy wolf CGI, and angry that Rachelle Lefevre is not going to be in the next one. She was creepy and didn't even have any freaking lines (which is probably a blessing for her, really).

The best part of this movie-going experience for me was the first time Jacob/Taylor Lautner took off his shirt and someone in the audience gasped rather loudly--the rest of us laughed at that person (but secretly agreed).

Boo Moon

Bella: I am the most boring person on earth.

Edward: You're right. You even bore me, the most boring vampire. Cullen out!

Bella: Booo hooo. I know that sounds sarcastic, but that's because I'm not a very good actor. I am seriously sad. I think I'll go lead my suddenly hot friend Jacob around by his dick for a while. Not literally, we're Mormons.

Jacob: I love you. So does my wig.

Bella: I just want to be friends but I'm going to lead you on the whole movie. Have I mentioned I'm an asshole, in addition to being boring? Check out my motorcycle! VROOM!

Jacob: Oh, you cut yourself. I'd better take my shirt off.

Me: YAY! HOT INDIAN WEREWOLF JAILBAIT!

Bella: Considering I used to date a vampire, it is taking me an absurdly long time to figure out this guy is a werewolf. Especially considering he told me all about his tribe being werewolves in the last movie...OH MY HECK YOU'RE A WEREWOLF!

[Shirtless Indian werewolf muffin-eating break!]

Me: WOOOO! MUFFINS!

Bella: Well, I just can't get interested in the fact that werewolves and vampires exist. Most people would find that at least somewhat intriguing. Not me. I'm so bored I'm going to jump off this cliff or whatever.

Jacob: Saved you! Ooops, my shirt seems to have fallen off in the process.

Me: You're pushing it, kid, but I'm going to let it slide.

Lady Vampire: Bella! I drove this product placement here to tell you Edward is going to get Dakota Fanning and Tony Blair to kill him! In ITALY!

[Bella and Lady Vampire go to ITALY. I wish there had been a scene of them reading magazines on the airplane and making awkward small talk.]

Edward: Time to get sparkly and let Dakota Fanning and Tony Blair kill me. I'd better take my shirt off.

Audience: OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR NIPPLE?

Edward: What? Which one?

Audience: THAT ONE THAT ONE AAAGHH!

Edward: I don't see it. US Weekly says I have a beautiful body.

Bella: Edward, I forgive you for dumping me. Please put your shirt back on. You're kind of bumming everybody out.

The Volturi: Hiiiiiii!

Me: AAAAAAAAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

THE END.

2012! 2012! 2012! 2012!

YAAAAY EVERYTHING FALLS DOWN AND CRASHES INTO EVERYTHING ELSE WHILE ALSO HORIZONTALLY CHASING JOHN CUSACK ACROSS THE EARTH'S CRUST YAAAAAY!

More specific comments:

It was honestly confusing that the Nicolas Cage part was played by John Cusack.

It was also confusing how Jeff Goldblum was black in this movie, but I didn't have a problem with it per se.

President Danny Glover missed several perfect opportunities to announce "My fellow Americans...I'm too old for this shit."

And I didn't need the last half hour of the movie to be about stupid people trying to close the stupid hatch on the stupid futureboat in the stupid Himalayas. I want these "a small number of humans escape the apocalypse" movies to wrap up with detailed explanations of how they rebuild civilization, including where they poop in the meantime.

Otherwise YAAAAAAY 2012!

Thank God for outsourcing

Short Movie Review: Law Abiding Citizen

They say great movies, like great literature, teach you something about yourself. I don't know if I'd call this movie great, but I do know that I learned something very disappointing about myself: Despite the fact that I sometimes have fantasies about torturing people who have done bad things to me, apparently I would not be able to conduct the actual procedure myself, judging from my inability to even make myself watch movie character torture.

Michael Jackson: THIS IS IT

That was it?

Just kidding, just kidding! Despite the mixed reviews this film got, I actually really enjoyed it. It made me very sad that I would never be able to see Michael preform, though. God, he was amazing. His movements (especially arms/hands) reminded me a lot of Fred Astaire. Also, how rad were his backup dancers? Yowza.

My mother joined me for the viewing, and when it was over asked me if I thought it was weird they never really showed him interacting with anyone (which I didn't think was really true), but my take on it was that they were trying more to show what his tour show was supposed to have been like. Which would have been fucking awesome, in case you were wondering.

Also, I want to learn the Thriller dance.

Clooney + Goats? YES PLEASE!

When I found out there was a movie starring Clooney, goats, Jeff Bridges, and the oft-naked* Ewan McGregor, I penciled it into my calendrical filofax--with a PEN. And I am happy to report "The Men Who Stare at Goats" does not disappoint. Well, that's not entirely true--the first half hour mostly disappoints, but if you can hold on until Jeff Bridges shows up, you will be delighted for the remainder of the movie.

Don't believe the bad reviews--they were written by dumb people. This movie has flashbacks, goats, lots of Jedi metajokes, and dancing mustachioed Clooney, and apparently is mostly a true story. One and a half thumbs upward! (The half thumb deduction is for the slow start).


*I'm talking full frontal ding dong naked. Not in this movie, unfortunately.

Zombieland!

There's not much I can say that Lady Blogpants didn't already say in her short, yet succinct, review of this movie.

It is awesome. Go see it. That is all.

My only minor disappointment was that I was informed that it had the "best cameo of all time" and I disagree. The person in question is indeed awesome, but I don't know if I agree that they're the most awesome "cameo of all time." Sorry.

(However, dressing up as a zombie is almost as awesome as this movie! God, I love Halloween time.)