Boo Moon

Bella: I am the most boring person on earth.

Edward: You're right. You even bore me, the most boring vampire. Cullen out!

Bella: Booo hooo. I know that sounds sarcastic, but that's because I'm not a very good actor. I am seriously sad. I think I'll go lead my suddenly hot friend Jacob around by his dick for a while. Not literally, we're Mormons.

Jacob: I love you. So does my wig.

Bella: I just want to be friends but I'm going to lead you on the whole movie. Have I mentioned I'm an asshole, in addition to being boring? Check out my motorcycle! VROOM!

Jacob: Oh, you cut yourself. I'd better take my shirt off.

Me: YAY! HOT INDIAN WEREWOLF JAILBAIT!

Bella: Considering I used to date a vampire, it is taking me an absurdly long time to figure out this guy is a werewolf. Especially considering he told me all about his tribe being werewolves in the last movie...OH MY HECK YOU'RE A WEREWOLF!

[Shirtless Indian werewolf muffin-eating break!]

Me: WOOOO! MUFFINS!

Bella: Well, I just can't get interested in the fact that werewolves and vampires exist. Most people would find that at least somewhat intriguing. Not me. I'm so bored I'm going to jump off this cliff or whatever.

Jacob: Saved you! Ooops, my shirt seems to have fallen off in the process.

Me: You're pushing it, kid, but I'm going to let it slide.

Lady Vampire: Bella! I drove this product placement here to tell you Edward is going to get Dakota Fanning and Tony Blair to kill him! In ITALY!

[Bella and Lady Vampire go to ITALY. I wish there had been a scene of them reading magazines on the airplane and making awkward small talk.]

Edward: Time to get sparkly and let Dakota Fanning and Tony Blair kill me. I'd better take my shirt off.

Audience: OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR NIPPLE?

Edward: What? Which one?

Audience: THAT ONE THAT ONE AAAGHH!

Edward: I don't see it. US Weekly says I have a beautiful body.

Bella: Edward, I forgive you for dumping me. Please put your shirt back on. You're kind of bumming everybody out.

The Volturi: Hiiiiiii!

Me: AAAAAAAAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

THE END.