I am a huge Nicolas Cage fan. I liked him when he was just a semi-weird comic actor in Moonstruck and Raising Arizona, and I liked him even more once something inside him snapped and he started being a totally awesome "dramatic" action dude/monster man (The Rock, Con Air). I love that he has only five emotions: drunk, yelling, solving clues, sweating, and freaking the fuck out. Whenever I see a Nicolas Cage movie I don't really hear the dialogue because in my mind he's just saying "Nicolas Cage Nicolas Cage NICOLAS CAAAAAAAGE!" (I'm pretty sure that's what he's saying in his mind too).
That being said, of course I enjoyed Knowing, but I kind of wish Monsieur Cage had kicked it up a notch. He's as yelly/sweaty as ever, but given that he's reacting to things like The End of the World, his acting choices are incongruously appropriate.
Two annoying things about this movie:
1. It's pretty much a 2-hour commercial for Ford trucks. And Priuses, strangely, although those are mostly just there for Nicolas Cage to crush with his F-150. Need to steal a closet door from a school and bring it home so you can peel the paint off it and read the apocalyptic messages a psychic schoolgirl scritched upon it 50 years ago? Put it in the back of your truck and take it home! Built Ford tough! Like a rock!
2. Its take-home message that people who believe in God and fate are right and MIT professors who believe in evolution and chance are wrong, even though the believers turn out to be totally off-base since it just so happens that God is actually ALIENS. Spoiler alert.
March 29, 2009
March 25, 2009
KNOW1NG!!!11!!
Dudes. Seriously. Words cannot possibly describe this movie (or Nicolas Cage's hair).
Or maybe words can, but definitely not sentences.
Ahem: (beware! spoiler alert!)
Creepy child. NUMBERS! Time capsule! NICOLAS CAGE! Science! NUMBERS! Crashes! Explosions! Aliens! Annoying child actors! Fire! Moose! Subway! Woods! EVERYONE ELSE! Oh noes, the sun! (ok, that was kind of a sentence). Spaceship! Tree!! Bunnies!!!
P.S. I think Joss Whedon and/or James Marsters should sue for likeness violations--the aliens all looked like Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. EXCEPT THEY CREEPED ME OUT (every time they were on screen, I was literally covering my face with my hands. Yes, I'm a wuss. I hate scary movies).
P.P.S. I think Blogtastic, Lady Blogpants and I spent most of this movie laughing AT Nicolas Cage. And his hair. And his acting.
Or maybe words can, but definitely not sentences.
Ahem: (beware! spoiler alert!)
Creepy child. NUMBERS! Time capsule! NICOLAS CAGE! Science! NUMBERS! Crashes! Explosions! Aliens! Annoying child actors! Fire! Moose! Subway! Woods! EVERYONE ELSE! Oh noes, the sun! (ok, that was kind of a sentence). Spaceship! Tree!! Bunnies!!!
P.S. I think Joss Whedon and/or James Marsters should sue for likeness violations--the aliens all looked like Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. EXCEPT THEY CREEPED ME OUT (every time they were on screen, I was literally covering my face with my hands. Yes, I'm a wuss. I hate scary movies).
P.P.S. I think Blogtastic, Lady Blogpants and I spent most of this movie laughing AT Nicolas Cage. And his hair. And his acting.
March 23, 2009
Booplicity
If I am to judge by Duplicity and The International, Clive Owen has embarked on a personal mission of trying to bore me to death. What did I ever do to you, dude? I loved Children of Men. I do not deserve this.
Guys, this movie, ugh. So little of interest happens in it. It tries to be Oceans Eleven but forgets to make the main characters interesting, which is I hear is sort of crucial. Julia Roberts reprises her character from Notting Hill, who is basically a dick, so I guess that's interesting if you're a cinema professor trying to think of movies to show in the undergrad class you've decided to title "'Tis Pity She's a Dick: Julia Roberts and the Early 21st Century Genderschnurze". God, you're kind of pretentious. Was it really necessary to make up a German-sounding word?
Oh man, I wish Clive Owen would've just done a shitty Hugh Grant impersonation through this whole movie. That would have been amazing.
Having given up on writing an interesting plot or characters, whoever made this piece of junk opts to throw in bongo drums, super-slow motion and split-screens every once in a while, but he doesn't fool us one bit. No he doesn't. Well, maybe a little. Bongo drums are pretty sweet.
Guys, this movie, ugh. So little of interest happens in it. It tries to be Oceans Eleven but forgets to make the main characters interesting, which is I hear is sort of crucial. Julia Roberts reprises her character from Notting Hill, who is basically a dick, so I guess that's interesting if you're a cinema professor trying to think of movies to show in the undergrad class you've decided to title "'Tis Pity She's a Dick: Julia Roberts and the Early 21st Century Genderschnurze". God, you're kind of pretentious. Was it really necessary to make up a German-sounding word?
Oh man, I wish Clive Owen would've just done a shitty Hugh Grant impersonation through this whole movie. That would have been amazing.
Having given up on writing an interesting plot or characters, whoever made this piece of junk opts to throw in bongo drums, super-slow motion and split-screens every once in a while, but he doesn't fool us one bit. No he doesn't. Well, maybe a little. Bongo drums are pretty sweet.
March 15, 2009
Taken, or, Did you know Liam Neeson was still alive?
This movie is one giant hassle caused by having to save a stupid spoiled rich girl. I could have saved these people a whole lot of time with one genius concept: let the little bitch die. Conversely, maybe they shouldn't have given a 17 year old enough money to travel around Europe following U2 (??) all summer with no chaperone and only her slutty friend Amanda for company. Don't they know the slutty girl always dies (oh, spoiler alert, sorry)? Well, except in real life, where she just gets all the boyfriends.
I also especially like how noone gives a shit about the entire rest of the sex slave ring victims. Ladies? Have you seen this one girl? No? Okay, you may go back to spending the rest of your life being drugged, raped, and tortured. You'll probably die soon anyway.
I also especially like how noone gives a shit about the entire rest of the sex slave ring victims. Ladies? Have you seen this one girl? No? Okay, you may go back to spending the rest of your life being drugged, raped, and tortured. You'll probably die soon anyway.
March 10, 2009
Another Short Movie Review: The Watchmen, aka Blue Balls!
Dr. Manhattan: I'm just going to split myself into four different men so three of us can get busy pleasuring you in an incredible and other-worldly manner while the fourth is saving the entire planet.
Laurie (Rocky and Bullwinkle style): a-GAIN?
I think the best synopsis of this movie is the New York Times reviewer's explanation of the "R" rating: It has extreme violence, a naked blue man, and some superhero sex.
Laurie (Rocky and Bullwinkle style): a-GAIN?
I think the best synopsis of this movie is the New York Times reviewer's explanation of the "R" rating: It has extreme violence, a naked blue man, and some superhero sex.
March 9, 2009
Watchmen
I liked this movie, but I could have done without the soft-core porn intermission (my fellow reviewers will probably disagree on that point). Patrick Wilson has a pretty nice butt, though.
Speaking of Patrick Wilson, I kept flashing back to him as Raoul from stupid Phantom of the Opera, which nearly ruined it for me (okay, it didn't really almost ruin it for me, but it was certainly distracting.) Luckily, he has better hair in this film (sad, but true!)
And speaking of hair, Matthew Goode (whom I love in Chasing Liberty, don't kill me--it has Mark Harmon in it! And Jeremy Piven!) had HORRIBLE hair. Totally a wig! I could totally tell! ARGH. And the long eared tiger was random. But Matthew makes an excellent villain (SPOILER ALERT!)
Rorschach is AWESOME, and the actor who played The Comedian looks a little like Robert Downey Jr. Just sayin'.
ETA: P.S. The music is awesome (and I can't spell).
Speaking of Patrick Wilson, I kept flashing back to him as Raoul from stupid Phantom of the Opera, which nearly ruined it for me (okay, it didn't really almost ruin it for me, but it was certainly distracting.) Luckily, he has better hair in this film (sad, but true!)
And speaking of hair, Matthew Goode (whom I love in Chasing Liberty, don't kill me--it has Mark Harmon in it! And Jeremy Piven!) had HORRIBLE hair. Totally a wig! I could totally tell! ARGH. And the long eared tiger was random. But Matthew makes an excellent villain (SPOILER ALERT!)
Rorschach is AWESOME, and the actor who played The Comedian looks a little like Robert Downey Jr. Just sayin'.
ETA: P.S. The music is awesome (and I can't spell).
March 8, 2009
March 4, 2009
The Internationzzzzzzzzzz
Here are some thoughts that went through my head during this movie.
Minute 1: Uh oh, is this going to be one of those complicated movies where I don't understand anything?
Minute 5: Oh boy someone got poisoned! This movie's going to be exciting!
Minute 15: Hi Naomi Watts! I liked you in Eastern Promises! Ooh, is this movie going to be like Eastern Promises? It has Armin Mueller-Stahl too. That's eastern promising. Good one, Mary. Thank you.
Minute 30: Hold on, is this just a legal procedural? Did I just sign up to watch two hours of Law and Order? I was led to believe there would be explosions, and some nudity on the part of Mr. Owen.
Minute 60: This is the most bored I've ever been.
Minute 70: Halftime show! Shootout at the Guggenheim! Fuck you, modern art!
Minute 80: Bored again.
Minute 100: Is that Sting? What is Sting doing in this movie? Oh, boring the crap out of me.
Minute 120: I knew we should've gone to Tyler Perry's Medea Goes to Jail.
Minute 1: Uh oh, is this going to be one of those complicated movies where I don't understand anything?
Minute 5: Oh boy someone got poisoned! This movie's going to be exciting!
Minute 15: Hi Naomi Watts! I liked you in Eastern Promises! Ooh, is this movie going to be like Eastern Promises? It has Armin Mueller-Stahl too. That's eastern promising. Good one, Mary. Thank you.
Minute 30: Hold on, is this just a legal procedural? Did I just sign up to watch two hours of Law and Order? I was led to believe there would be explosions, and some nudity on the part of Mr. Owen.
Minute 60: This is the most bored I've ever been.
Minute 70: Halftime show! Shootout at the Guggenheim! Fuck you, modern art!
Minute 80: Bored again.
Minute 100: Is that Sting? What is Sting doing in this movie? Oh, boring the crap out of me.
Minute 120: I knew we should've gone to Tyler Perry's Medea Goes to Jail.
Another Short Movie Review: The International
I could watch Clive Owen walk around being scruffy sexy for hours and not complain, even if he weren't in a movie. There's a movie, too? Great!
I have two main complaints about this movie.
1. Not enough nudity. WTF, male directors? The ladies need some action, too. The guy never even takes his shirt off - is that really too much to ask?
2. This is less an action thriller than a suspense thriller*, but there is one awesome scene in the Guggenheim that makes the whole damn thing worthwhile. However, it takes so long to play out that I nearly injured myself à la Grandpa Simpson in the backseat of the family car because I couldn't go to the restroom before it was over.
*If you want to get technical, neither "action", "suspense", nor "thriller" are words that can be accurately applied to this movie.
I have two main complaints about this movie.
1. Not enough nudity. WTF, male directors? The ladies need some action, too. The guy never even takes his shirt off - is that really too much to ask?
2. This is less an action thriller than a suspense thriller*, but there is one awesome scene in the Guggenheim that makes the whole damn thing worthwhile. However, it takes so long to play out that I nearly injured myself à la Grandpa Simpson in the backseat of the family car because I couldn't go to the restroom before it was over.
*If you want to get technical, neither "action", "suspense", nor "thriller" are words that can be accurately applied to this movie.
March 1, 2009
Another Short Movie Review: Confessions of a Moron-aholic: I Love Lucy Goes Full Retard
Girl: Finances are too hard for silly girls to understand! If I use clothes metaphors, maybe it will make more sense to us dunderheaded females!
Dude: Aw, isn't the stupid clumsy girl hot; perhaps I would like to do her.
They do it.
The End.
Dude: Aw, isn't the stupid clumsy girl hot; perhaps I would like to do her.
They do it.
The End.
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