Borrior

Warrior is about two stupid brothers who like to punch shit. One of them looks like a muscley Conan O'Brien and the other one has a weird poofy back. Both of them have gross pasty skin and are sweaty all the time. There's actually a scene where one of them has the other one in a chokehold and yells I LOVE YOU TOMMY! Ridiculous.

Fuck you, Warrior.

Hey girl, I made you a movie

I finally saw this movie last night after weeks (months?) of everyone I know saying OH you have GOT to see DRIVE. I was waiting for it to come to the New Beverly, which as you know, is the best place on earth. At this particular showing, there were a lot more people than usual who weren't New Beverly regulars, and one guy decided to try to make a loud jokey comment. He tried three times, and each time was instantly and loudly SHHHH'd by a vigilant regular, and it was simply delightful. WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE, NEW GUY.

Anyway, Drive is really good. It looks cool, sounds good, and is very well shot and edited so it has a distinctive rhythm. Okay, it's basically a 90-minute music video, but for some reason it works. I thought I might hate this movie, but I didn't.

The Guard!

Holy crap you guys, I forgot I saw The Guard! This is a very excellent movie. Brendan Gleeson is always good, but he's extry good in this one. He acts circles around Don Cheadle, which is hard for me to say because I love Don Cheadle. I guess you could call me a true Cheadliever. No? Fair enough.

The Guard: recommended!

Young Adult

Hey, did you guys know I live in Los Angeles? And get to do all kinds of good movie stuff you can't do most other places? I'm not sure if I've mentioned that before on this blog. Due to my living in this wonderland, I got to see a SUPER DUPER SECRET SNEAK PREVIEW of Young Adult a couple of months ago, with the usual star-studded Q&A afterward and everything (YAWN).

And it was really good! Really really good! Unique and dark and hilarious in parts and tragic in other parts. Patton Oswalt deserves a best supporting actor Oscar nomination (which he won't get), and Charlize Theron is much better than I would've guessed from seeing her on Arrested Development. The script is pretty great, except for one trite plot point that ends up being the movie's one flaw. I can overlook that, though, because it's a little misstep in what is otherwise SO GOOD.

Young Adult: go see it!

The Descendants

Clooney Clooneys all over the place in The Descendants, ably assisted by his trusty sidekick Hawaii. I really liked this movie.

Clooney Is Human :(

Well, Ides of March has all the components of a good movie, but is somehow not good. Gosling's character does a total 180 with no explanation or believable backstory, Evan Rachel Wood's character is likewise unbelievable (plus Wood is THE FUCKING WORST in EVERYTHING), and Clooney hardly Clooneys at all. I don't want to talk about it.

Contagion!

You thought I forgot to finish reviewing all the movies I've seen since August, but I have not! In our last episode, I was sharing my hazy memories of Our Idiot Brother. Today, I will expound on what little I remember of Contagion! I actually remember quite a bit.

So you know how in most disaster movies, shitty filmmakers create one tiny ragtag bunch of survivors and only focus on those guys? While you sit in the audience yelling I WANT TO SEE THE GLOBAL IMPLICATIONS OF THIS EVENT AND HONESTLY COULD NOT CARE LESS ABOUT THIS REDEMPTIVE SCHLUB, SEXY SCIENTIST LADY, ONE TO TWO INNOCENT ADORABLE CHILDREN, AND EITHER A BLACK OR NERD WHO WILL DIE FIRST? Well, for once a movie doesn't do that, thanks to good old Steven Soderbergh. There are a handful of main characters, yes, but the movie jumps back and forth between them and shows a lot of nameless people dying of the ick as well.

Couple of things: casting Dmitri Martin as an epidemiologist was a bad call--very distracting--and Laurence Fishburne is a terrible, terrible actor. He's Morpheus in everything*, including this movie, which means he talks really slowly and is an idiot. Aside from those things, though, I recommend Contagion!



*The lone exception, of course, is his seminal role as Cowboy Curtis on Pee-Wee's Playhouse.

Breaking Dawn

I secretly really wanted to see this, if only to see how awful it was. It did not disappoint. Things dragged on, dialogue was clunky, Kristen Stewart only changed her facial expression twice. Also, I don't know how she and Rob Pattinson can be a real-life couple, because they have absolutely no chemistry on-screen.

The birth scene was just as awesome and awful and everything else you could possibly imagine--all I could do was sit there and laugh--there are just no words.

High points: Jackson Rathbone only had to attempt his southern accent twice, the wolves are all still awesome, and they used some kind of awesome movie magic to make Bella/Kristen look really, really scary skinny, so that was kind of impressive. I can't bring myself to hate this entirely, maybe because it really amuses me. Heh.

Getting Ruddical with Our Idiot Brother (GET IT??)

I don't remember too much about Our Idiot Brother. I remember Paul Rudd was his usual amount of good, and there was a cute doggy, and the sister characters were one-dimensional and stupid. Adam Scott was in it, and that's always nice. OH and T.J. Miller was really good in it. He's a comedian. That's how I know who he is. Because of my love for comedy. Laughter is the most precious gift, you guys.

Trollhunter

Continuing the roll that Rare Exports started, Trollhunter is another fantastic Scandinavian movie about mythical creatures getting awesome in the woods. If this is a new genre, I am thoroughly on board. Do you hear me, Norwegian-Finnish Film Institute?

This movie is about some kids making a documentary about a guy who has a top-secret job hunting trolls, and the guy looks a lot like my dad, which is pretty neat. (All my movie ratings are based on how much characters look like members of my immediate family). The trolls are SCARY and RAD and I LIKED THIS MOVIE A LOT.

Back in the Saddle!

Hello, four faithful readers! I am heartily sorry I haven't reviewed anything lately--I was busy writing the Guinness Book of World Records Longest Thesis of All Time. But I kind of kept track of what movies I've seen since August, so now I'll review all of them using my extremely faint memories! Get ready for the next post!

The Help

Wow, Hollywood. Bravo!

I laughed, I cried, I hated the villain, and I loved the heroine(s)...what more could a girl ask for? It was thought provoking (its hard to think that just 50 years ago we had that kind of shit going on in this country), and I was never bored. Now I need to read the book.

Attack the Block Again

I saw Attack the Block again and it continues to be awesome. It's finally been released in the U.S., so if you live in Los Angeles, New York, Seattle, Chicago, Austin, or San Francisco you can see it now. Starting August 19th, you can also see it in Boston, Orlando, Dallas, Atlanta, DC, or Phoenix.

If you live in Reno, you can instead see the exact same eight shitty movies that are playing at all four theaters in town, since they're all conveniently owned by the same company. I hear Glee in 3D hasn't technically killed anybody yet.

Cowboys and Aliens

I don't know what the hell you people are bitching about. Did you see how tight Daniel Craig's clothes were in this movie? Dude wore the fuck out of those chaps, plus his shirt came open or off a LOT. Did we have to look at any naked ladies? NO. Harrison Ford grandpa'd it up all over the Old West, and Sam Rockwell was even in it as the cutest old-timey bartender I ever did see.

This was a veritable cornucopia of hot guys past and present, with beautiful New Mexico locations and surprisingly accurate set and costume design. Plus aliens. What more can you possibly ask for? More hotness? Possibly, but if this movie had Ewan McGregor in it too I would've fainted right onto my fainting couch.

Yes, it was way too long, but on the whole I consider it a little gift from heaven...OR OUTER SPACE!

Franco of the Planet of the Apes

This movie is completely idiotic, but it's not like you don't know that going in, so I'm not going to waste time making a list of every stupid thing that was stupid even by CGI monkey movie standards.

What I will do is tell you I got shushed by my own companions twice during this movie. Once, after a character talked about profit and money and the bottom line for the 18th time in 3 minutes and I yelled SO WHAT'S THIS GUY'S MOTIVATION? And then again, when John fucking Lithgow showed up with crazy eyes and started playing the piano and I went OH NO. I stayed pretty quiet for all the monkey parts, though.

YES I KNOW APES AREN'T MONKEYS

Bridesmaids

With some tighter editing, better writing for Maya Rudolph, and the excision of the food poisoning scene (aka Hey 14 Year Old Boys Look at Us We're Puking and Shitting Too This Isn't a Chick Flick Tell Your Friends), this would have been one of the best comedies ever made. As it is, it's a solid movie with a lot of hilarious laffs and some good believable characters--Kristin Wiig and Melissa McCarthy's manage to balance out Rose Byrne and Maya Rudolph's weirdly one-dimensional ones. Plus it has Roy from the IT Crowd! Hi Roy! I was Moss at Comic-Con!

The main thing about this movie, though, is that it was clearly written by women, for women, with jokes that are aimed at women*, and unlike most movies supposedly for women, it actually LIKES WOMEN. Thanks, Kristin Wiig! I haven't seen a movie written FOR ME since, what, Thelma and Louise? Is this what it feels like for 14-year-old boys every time they go to the movies? DADDY LIKE!

Bridesmaids: see it if you like things that are rad!

*Exhibit A: when Wiig tells Jon Hamm about her fictitious other boyfriend "George Glass" and he mushes her boob around like every other guy who's never learned what nipples are for and says "yeah but can he do THIS?" and she says "Probably." My buddy and I died laughing all over the theater. Also, George Glass was Jan Brady's imaginary boyfriend, so that's pretty awesome.

Cowboys Vs. Aliens Vs. Indiana Jones Vs. Indians Vs. Aliens

I have not been so disappointed in a movie since Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Even Shia LaBeouf couldn't have made this movie any worse. Well, maybe he could have. Anyway, the point is, I don't understand how you could make a movie with Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, cowboys, and aliens, and have it be so infuriatingly dull. At first it was fun watching Harrison Ford enjoy hamming up his awful, one-dimensional robot cowboy character, but eventually even he got bored with it. My advice to the purveyors of this crap: go back and add lots of nude Daniel Craig. Oh yeah, and take out all the dialogue and all the other characters. Then this movie would suck less.

Super 8

To be honest, I expected this to be a lot scarier. That is not to say that I didn't jump out of my seat every five minutes (making my friend laugh hysterically), but the previews I'd seen had made it seem much creepier.

At any rate, although the main cast consists of kid actors, they were very good. Good characterizations, and funny. I don't know why Elle Fanning is getting so much more attention than Joel Courtney, though. He was fabulous and adorable; she was okay--I mean, not bad, but I wasn't like, "Wow, that girl is going to kill it someday!" I can only assume she's getting so much attention because she happens to be Dakota Fanning's kid sister.

The monster was scarier when we couldn't really see him--I did love the small reflection in the gas puddle early on, though (my friend missed it, so look out for it!) Loved being able to see the actual Super 8 film at the end--too funny!

Overall, I enjoyed myself. The film has its scary moments, and even some gory ones, as well as plenty of comedy and explosions. It does have a Disney-like ending, however, so if you're expecting a bloodbath, you'll be disappointed.

HOLY SHIT ATTACK THE BLOCK!!

I don't know if I've mentioned this a thousand times, but I live in LOS ANGELES, the movie capital of the non-Indian world, and I get to see a lot of movies that other people don't. My life is pretty amazing, you guys. So a couple of months ago my brother got special sneak preview tickets for Attack the Block, a British alien invasion movie which hasn't even come out in the UK yet, and might NEVER come out in the US because distributors are nervous about all the thick Britsy accents in the thing. Which is ridiculous, but whatever, I got to see it in a theater with a bunch of hyper nerds and my DVD player is multiformat, so THERE, idiot American distributors.

I just realized I'm being overly detailed in "setting the scene", just like the shitty restaurant reviewers in the Reno News and Review. "My cousin and I were playing Boggle all afternoon and we realized we were hungry! So we got in the car and buckled our seatbelts and drove to Petey Po's Pizza Pie Palace. We parked in the parking lot that was associated with the restaurant, alongside some other cars that were parked in the same lot. When we walked in via the door, I noticed that this restaurant had tables AND chairs! Many of the tables had multiple chairs at them, which is good, because like I said, I was with my cousin, so there were two of us. The decorations on the walls were of many pretty colors, and were mostly attached to the walls (interior) with little nails and pushpins. I enjoyed the colors! We ate a pizza and went home."

OK, anyway, I don't care how many more movies I see this year, I can tell you right now that Attack the Block is the best film of 2011. The basic premise is that aliens attack a housing project in London, and a bunch of teenagers instantly fight back and it is fucking AMAZING. It's the perfect mix of scary funny action, with just the slightest bit of sentimentality that is done so well, with such a light touch, that it almost makes me cry just thinking about it. If you get a chance to see this movie, oh my god, do it.

ATTACK THE BLOCK!

Hesher

Hesher is a bit of a mixed bag because it's a boring lame indie movie wrapped around one of the greatest characters I've ever seen onscreen. Is it worth seeing? I'm not sure. Every once in a while, Hesher bursts in through the fourth wall of another dreary movie about Dysfunctional People Dealing With Life and does all kinds of awesome shit, and those parts of the movie are amazing. This Joseph Gordon Levitt kid, he's the real deal. The problem is, there aren't nearly enough Hesher parts, and there are way too many Sad Kid with Dead Mom parts. Oh, speaking of which, get ready for my Super 8 review.

X-Men: First Class

I had high hopes going into this one. James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender? YES PLEASE. (You may recall my weird crush on Fassbender from previous posts).

SPOILERS AHOY!


I was a little disappointed, to be honest. Sure, there's decent special effects and action (I sort of loved the sequence where Erik/Magneto goes into the South American bar and causes havok--HAHAHA no pun intended!!), though to be honest, I hated the effect for Emma Frost's "diamond" form--boo! I also didn't like that they had Mystique and Prof. X meet as children and become like...best buddies/brother and sister. What? If my googling skills are up to par, I'm pretty sure that's not at all what happens in the comics. SIGH.

Also, while they did develop a friendship between Magneto and Prof. X (which was bromance at its best), it ended really quickly--I had gotten the impression from the other films (which may or may not have anything to do with this one?? I'm unsure) that they were friends for YEARS and YEARS before having their falling out--I mean, we see them go recruit Jean Grey together as older men, right?

I guess that's where I'm the most confused--does this movie have anything to do with the previous three? I want to say yes, because they harken back to Rebecca Romijn as Mystique, they use the opening bit with Magneto pulling the fence at the ghetto/camp as a teenager, Wolverine makes an appearance--but then other things just don't match up (as mentioned above).

I hate when movies confuse me, so this one gets a B. SO THERE.

The First Grader

I am such a slacker. I keep seeing movies and not reviewing them. Ah, summer.

Anyway, I am often coerced into seeing artsy movies with my mother; more often than not, I go in kicking and screaming only to leave having loved what I saw. Mothers are annoying like that. You'd think I'd just accept her judgement and move on, but no. Apparently I'm still stuck in my teenage ways many years later.

The First Grader is a sweet movie, based on a true story (but we know how that goes in Hollywood). The actor who played Maruge (the old man who is going back to school to learn to read) was excellent--just the right mix of quiet sadness and determination. I thought the flashback sequences could have been a little clearer--it wasn't obvious at first what was going on (like...if it was something happening simultaneously in other part of the country, or really WAS a flashback). Overall, it's not the BEST independent film I've seen, but it was sweet.

POTC Part Four!

I have a complicated relationship with the Pirates movies. I loved the first one, but as I was driving home from the movie theater my car was totaled by a drunk driver running a red light. He didn't even get a ticket, by the way - the cop said he thought the accident was "punishment enough". WTF? Other people can drunkenly careen through red lights and into my car and not get a ticket, while I got a ticket once for riding my horse in the park on the wrong day of the week (p.s. eff you, Chico!).

I saw the second one at the precious old-timey theater in Ely, and was so bored that I slept through what I hoped was most of it. I was angry when I woke up and still had twenty minutes of boring to sit through. I was so mad at the second one that I never even bothered going to the third one.

So, it was with some trepidation that I went to the fourth one, especially since we went to the same theater where I saw the first one (I took a different route home this time). Luckily for me, the movie was entertaining and not associated with any traffic accidents. Despite the fact that Jack Sparrow as a romantic lead is a little bit of a stretch, and the obvious truth that Penelope Cruz is an actress best suited for silent films, the movie was fun to watch and full of predictable but still awesome Jack Sparrow antics. Aaaaaand that hot guy with no shirt on. I'm hoping the next one is less G-rated.

Kung Fu Panda 2

As you may recall, I freaking loved the original Kung Fu Panda. I thought it was pretty flawless. The sequel, therefore, had a lot to live up to.

It did a pretty good job: I laughed, I made "aww" sounds, I may have cried a little. I didn't think it was as funny as the first, though, but the story was still excellent. There was actually some character development from the first film, which is an amazing accomplishment these days in Hollywood, let alone in an animated film. So, I can't say that it's up there with the original, or How to Train Your Dragon, but still a very well done little movie. B+!

-------------------------------
In other news, why the holy fuck are they making a "Happy Feet 2"?! Seriously? I HATED the first one (and I'm the Disney nerd!) UGHHHHHH.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Initially, I wasn't sure what this would be like. I saw various reviews of this movie prior to actually watching it, and they seemed to be polar opposites: some people freaking loved it, others hated it and wished Johnny would just quit already. I loved the first Pirates movie (when most critics didn't), but was mainly "meh" about the next two. Would this be better since it had a partially different cast? Would it be worse?

I am here to inform you that it is better. Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush are awesome (as always), Penelope Cruz doesn't suck (it's true!), and Ian McShane is an awesome bad guy. Also, things blow up, there's a hot guy without a shirt on for much of the movie (though, he does not hold a candle to Thor, I'm afraid to say) and there are fucking crazy-awesome mermaids! (And also a small love story, and we all know I'm a sucker for anything even remotely romantic).

I do, however, have two problems: 1) Despite Ian McShane being awesome, I sort of always pictured Blackbeard as being a little more...unbalanced. He had a creepy, calm vibe (which is great), but I would have loved to see him being just a touch more psychotic. 2) The very last scene was dumb.

Yay movies!

Thor

One word to Chris Hemsworth: Hel-lo!

This was not my favorite of the Avengers "series" of movies, but I didn't hate it either. Could've used more shirtless Chris Hemsworth, for sure.

I liked the "earth" parts far more than the "Asgard" parts, because I hate when things are so completely computer generated that they're too perfect. It was beautiful, but also slightly...off. I don't know how to explain it.

However, the fight scenes were excellent, things blew up, and I laughed. Also, it has Ray Stevenson in it, whom I love because he is awesome. I was afraid Natalie Portman would ruin this (not a huge fan of hers), but I actually liked her character, so that's a step in the right direction. Gotta say, though, I loved Kat Dennings (her sidekick) much more.

The Conspirator

The beginning of this film had me worried (when Lincoln gets shot. SPOILER!) Something about it was haphazard; the editing seemed strange and the dialog was bad--I would have rather seen the drama of that event without all the cuts back and forth between the main characters (and stupid Alexis Bledel, who made me cringe every time she was on screen--I could have done without her and her character in general). I suppose it was meant to be an all-in "here's everyone and their backgrounds!" all while Lincoln gets shot, but it wasn't done well.

Overall, though, I liked it. Robin Wright and James McAvoy were quite good, and I really liked Evan Rachel Wood's performance as the daughter. I'd probably see it again, but it's not my favorite historical drama.

How to Bore Even the Most Hard-Core Oregon Trail History Nerd to Fucking Death

1. Get her all excited by choosing a real historical thing (a trail cutoff) with some real historical characters (the titular Meek), and then do a good job with authentic costumes and props--this will help her get past the fact that an emigrant party of only three wagons in 1845? PLEASE. SERIOUSLY.

2. Make sure nothing interesting happens. At all. They find an Indian and then a wagon falls over.

3. Also make sure the music is boring as fuck so the movie doesn't even work as a scenic movie to have on in the background on Saturday movie.

All that said, I didn't hate Meek's Cutoff. The locations are very pretty and made me miss the Great Basin. The one pioneer lady who isn't Michelle Williams or Moaning Myrtle gives perhaps the worst performance I've ever seen, so that's pretty entertaining. And no one can deny there is ample calico.

Hanna

This movie could have cut out about 40 minutes' worth of footage of this weird albino kid running and still gotten its point across. And I want to live in the secret forest cottage from the beginning of the movie--it has a big fireplace with double-decker sleeping areas that look extremely comfortable. I'm tired.

Rio

First, I would like to take a moment to thank Duran Duran for having a song that gets stuck in my head every time I see the word "Rio." (You're welcome everyone!)

I didn't hate this. Part of it made me laugh, parts I thought were stupid. I did NOT like the musical numbers--they didn't fit right and felt awkward (and I typically LOVE musicals!) I thought this would have been much better as a straight forward cartoon. The Will.i.am bird was my favorite.

Also, I much prefer Jesse Eisenberg when he's doing comedy, rather than a grumpy-faced goon, so it gets points for that.

Rio: Animation of Hate

This movie is a slyly packaged anti-immigrant manifesto cleverly disguised as a cute cartoon for kids. It is a biting critique of the Anglicized Latino who has forgotten his roots, with sentiments echoing the real-life tensions between traditional culture and Americanization felt in immigrant communities, and between immigrants and those who stayed behind. At the end our hero, the immigrant bird "I'm too cool for the E" Blu, can achieve salvation only by returning not only to his cultural roots but to his actual home country, a thinly veiled assertion that immigrants should go back to where they came from. Undertones of colonialism can also be felt, such as when the poor little brown orphan boy must be saved by the white couple. George Lopez as the voice of the hen-pecked toucan is the ironic icing on this great big racist cake.

BATTLE LOS ANGELES

I have fucking had it with filmmakers who make movies about Huge Disasters like alien invasions and catastrophic climate change and meteors smashing into the earth and spend the whole movie focusing on a small group of characters. I want to see wonders of the world getting leveled, panicky mobs, and wholescale destruction. I do not want to spend two hours watching a small group of soldiers carrying out a tiny mission in Santa Monica while all the cool shit is blowing up elsewhere.

That said, Battle Los Angeles has tremendously awesomely cliched dialogue and characters, including One Day from Retirement Guy, Rookie Guy, Guy with Everything to Live for Guy, Black Guy, Guy with Glasses and WWII-Era Communication Backpack Guy (the last two are actually the same guy), Guy with Chip on His Shoulder Guy, Sexy Veterinarian Lady Guy, and Adorable Child in Peril Guy. You can go see it if you want.

Paul

I liked Paul, but as a fan of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, it pains me to say it could've been better. It felt like a movie that started out with a much funnier screenplay, then was test-screened and focus-grouped into a dumber, less funny movie designed to appeal to 14-year-old boys instead of the 35-to-40-year-old nerds for which it was originally written. I mean, come on--who's going to get the Star Wars and Aliens and Raiders of the Lost Ark references--a kid born in 1997, or me, the aforementioned 35-to-40-year-old nerd? THE ANSWER IS ME YOUR HONOR I REST MY CASE!

That said, Paul is entertaining and has Kristen Wiig in it, so you should probably go see it. Not every movie can be Shaun of the Dead, especially when Edgar Wright isn't involved. It's just a bummer to see something that so clearly started off awesome and then ended up less so.

Drive Angry SHOT IN 3D!

William Fichtner's performance in this movie is the best thing I've seen in a while. He's basically doing a Nicolas Cage impersonation and it's totally amazing.

The rest of the movie is fine. It makes the right amount of not-sense and Nicolas Cage says "I never disrobe before gunplay" right before KILLING A THOUSAND BAD GUYS while SMOKING A CIGAR and DRINKING JACK DANIELS and oh yeah FUCKING A LADY.

Take Me Home Tonight. Wow.

The first 20 minutes of Take Me Home Tonight are mind-bogglingly unpleasant and ill-advised. I don't know what the rest is like since that's when we stomped out and got a refund.

On the upside, I saw DUDAMEL in the lobby.

DRIVE ANGRY!

A typical Nicolas Cage movie. Stuff blows up, he has awful hair, the plot is flimsy.

Actually, the best part of this movie is William Fichtner. He is deadpan and awesome.

Liam Neeson Has A Very Particular Set of Skills

If you haven't seen Taken, I recommend you remedy that immediately. Liam Neeson yells and punches his way across France in the most amazing fashion, plus he says "WHAT I DO HAVE IS A VERY PARTICULAR SET OF SKILLS".

Unknown is no Taken. It's all right, but Liam Neeson is kind of timid and does not claim to have any particular skill set at all except for insisting everyone call him Doctor. He does that a lot. I made up for this movie's shortcomings by whispering many terrible "what I do have is a very particular set of [fill in the blank]" punjokes to my boyfriend.

I won't spoil anything for you guys, but let's just say someone in this movie has a very particular set of vials.

Black Swan

I thought I'd be really annoyed by Black Swan, but I wasn't. It was interesting the whole way through, so I think it was good? Right? That French guy with the triangle head is always fun. You guys should watch Mesrine.

I guess the main thing this movie did was confirm my suspicion that ballet is a horrible torture thing that does bad stuff to your nails and also ballerinas are too skinny.

Lady Blogpants' Best of 2010

2010 was definitely not as good for movies as 2009, but I managed to scrape together five I didn't hate. These are them!

5. Hot Tub Time Machine
OK, this movie isn't nearly as good upon second viewing at home, as opposed to first viewing at The Vista after a couple of El Chavo margaritas. But I still maintain it's a very good comedy. The editor, George Folsey Jr., also worked on Animal House and The Blues Brothers, and dude knows his shit.

4. The Social Network
Not as great as everyone says, but pretty damn good thanks to its screenplay and directing. As I predicted, Armie Hammer wasn't nominated for an Oscar for his amazing Winklevossing, which is a shame. But at least Justin Timberlake wasn't nominated either. His hair is too goddamn curly.

3. True Grit
This is just an excellent, straightforward western. I wish it had been more Coen Brothers-y, but I can't really complain about such a beautifully made movie.

2. Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World
Unlike Hot Tub Time Machine, this movie gets better every time I see it. So much happens so quickly that I really missed a lot on first viewing, but now I'm comfortable ranking it very close to Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. On a related note, director Edgar Wright is now my new secret movie director boyfriend and I will be VERY SAD if he ever makes a bad movie.

The one flaw in Scott Pilgrim is the Ramona Flowers character; it's hard to get past how boring and unlikable she is even though I know, I know, Scott Pilgrim is the type of shallow douchebag who would like a one-dimensional cipher like Ramona.

1. Rare Exports
I can't think of anything I'd change about Rare Exports. It's pretty perfect--original, well-written, hilarious, AND it stars a child actor I don't want to murder. RARE EXPORTS!

Black Swan: Blacker Than You'd Think (but not in a racist way)

This movie contains 100% more blood and lesbian sex than I anticipated for a Natalie Portman ballet movie. Well played, creepy director!

The Second Coming of Tron

Tron movies, what have you become?!?

Harry Potter and the Speech of the Stuttering Prince

The King's Speech is pretty good except for the casting of Winston Churchill. The filmmakers picked the actor who played Wormtail in Harry Pottah and he spent the whole movie making a "look how hard I'm being Winston Churchill" face that cracked me up every time it was on screen.

I guess the good news is that now my brother and his girlfriend and I are constantly doing Winston Churchill impersonations and probably will be for a couple of weeks.

Fuck You, The Tourist

UGH this whole goddamn movie is Angelina Jolie walking around with a smug look on her face while a bunch of European extras pretend to be awed by her beauty instead of horrified by her weird bony arms.

BLEAHHHHHHH.

Boorlesque

Jesus, Burlesque. Don't you know gay guys don't automatically love every shitty goddamn movie musical that comes out? They like GOOD shitty goddamn musicals, and you, Burlesque, are not one. If I were a gay dude I'd be very insulted that some idiots thought they could throw together weirdly wigged Christina Aguilera, plastic surgery victim Cher (seriously, she looks like that puppet thing from the Saw movies), and Stanley Tucci's character from The Devil Wears Prada and get me to wiggle my jazz hands around while screaming GIRL YOU KNOW THIS!!!!

FILL YOUR HANDS, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

I highly recommend True Grit. This is probably no surprise to regular readers, who are well aware of my love of all things old-timey, Jeff Bridges, and Coen Brothers. I will say this movie isn't as Coen Brothers-y as I'd expected, but it is a fantastic, solid western. It's nice to go into a movie trusting that the filmmakers aren't going to totally fuck you over. You can just relax and know justice will be done, with some delightful Matt Damoning thrown in.

Going to True Grit is like having a spa day. I predict this DVD will join my "relaxing Saturday afternoon western" rotation of Jeremiah Johnson and The Electric Horseman. Congratulations, True Grit. You made it.

Tron

Yeah, I saw it.

Why I Love Living in Los Angeles, Exhibit A: Rare Exports

When one lives in Los Angeles, one gets to see movies like Rare Exports, the most amazing Finnish Christmas horror movie ever made. Seriously, put this movie on your netflix queue right now. It's goddamn incredible. The filmmakers take everything several steps further than you expect them to, and it works every time. I don't want to say anything else and ruin everything, but I will say I do hope you like CGI old man dicks, because Rare Exports has a bunch!

RARE EXPORTS!

LAXNESS! SLOTH!

Oh my goodness, you guys, I've seen so many movies in the past month but haven't reviewed any of them. I'll do that now!