Life of Pi

This is yet another book turned movie I have not read, and therefore I can't judge that aspect of it.  If I'm being honest, though, that's fine by me because I prefer to judge movies as movies and not necessarily in comparison to their source material.

This film is very well done, and the vast majority of it is impressively carried by Suraj Sharma (who plays Pi as a young man) and a CGI tiger, which is a feat for any actor, but sort of stunning for an actor's first film.  The scenery is beautiful, the story plays out well, and its thought provoking to say the least (not to spoil anything [unless you've read the book and therefore already know], but the ending made me ponder for hours).  Good job, movie!

Also, the CGI tiger made me giggle more than it probably should have (it kept doing things that reminded me of my much smaller, less deadly kitties).  I'm a sucker for animals.

Hobbitses!

Thanks to the Hobbit, I will now start talking like Gollum all over again.  Thanks, Peter Jackson!

Before I begin my review, let me state the following facts:  first, it has been at least 5 years since I read the Hobbit (possibly more, because I'm pretty sure it was during the peak of my LOTR-geekdom back when the original movies came out), and second, I don't remember a whole lot about it.

The good: 

1. Martin Freeman and Ian McKellan, of course.  As if you expected anything else. 
2. Random hot dwarf.  HELL-O.  I'm actually torn about this, see below. 
3. Radagast the Brown, despite the bird poo on his face (I'm not kidding). I may be bias because he's played by Sylvester McCoy, aka: The Seventh Doctor.

The iffy: 

1. This one seemed slightly cheesier than the LOTR films, but like I said, its been quite awhile since I read the book, so I have a feeling its a little less dark and dramatic than the trilogy and so the silliness may actually be appropriate.  It was still very fun though.
2. The random hot dwarf.  I appreciate the eye candy (which is likely why they did this), but...dwarves are not supposed to be hot.  Gimli was not hot.  Hot!Dwarf was also the only dwarf without a beard, so he stuck out like a sore thumb.
3. Was Thorin Oakenshield that moody in the book? Crap, I need to read it again. Also, the moment between Thorin and Bilbo at the end was weirdly predictable and cheesy.  I think it was trying to be like the moment between Sam and Frodo at the end of FoTR, only the corny was cranked up several notches.

This movie also contains a shit-ton of running.  One of my friends even commented, "Man, these guys just can't get a break!" It's true.

Don't let me kid you, though.  I would totally see this again and I was geeking out the whole time.  I am particularly excited for the next installment with SMAUG!  RAW DRAGON!

Twilight Part 10: The Twilightening

I have seen every Twilight movie, and I am here to tell you that slightly more happens in this one than the other ones, I think, and there are slightly fewer long dead-eyed stares. I guess you can kill vampires by just ripping their heads off now? The rules keep changing. Make no mistake, this movie is completely horrible, but as I've said before, I like being in a movie theater with movie popcorn, and on that point, Twilight fulfills my every dream and wish. The best part was seeing it with someone who hadn't seen any of the other movies.

Holy Motors

TOO ARTISTIC.

Kon Tiki

Kon Tiki was okay, but I had trouble sympathizing with Thor Heyerdahl because he looked and acted like an 80s movie villain. If there's one thing I know, it's that no one wants the bad guy from The Karate Kid to successfully prove a human migration theory. Plus the filmmakers added a lot of fake drama that I bet didn't actually happen, and left out important details (like, the crew was maintaining the raft all along, reinforcing lashing and what not, not just sitting there watching it fall apart, get your experimental archaeology right, DUHHHHHH). I recommend you watch the original documentary, which is amazing.

Skyfall

This movie was okay, but it was too long and needed a better edit. You know what audiences don't want to see? James Bond, his fake mom, and another old guy (who we've just been introduced to and are supposed to instantly care about) prepping a Scottish mansion to hold off a siege IN REAL TIME. "I say, old chap, have you any more AAA batteries for me to put in this lantern, for use during the siege?" "Certainly, my boy, they're in the third drawer down in the kitchen." "This one?" "No, no, to the left." "Oh okay. Now, are these AAAs or AAs?" "I believe I have both. They're all mixed up in that plastic bag, you'll have to sort through it." "Blimey." And then for all that prep work, when the bad guy comes in a helicopter and just blasts the shit out of the house, Bond is all OH SHIT A HELICOPTER? WE DIDN'T PREPARE FOR THAT! Worst secret agent ever.

You know what else audiences don't want to see? A bunch of shitty CGI effects, especially after they've seen a really good actual-person fight sequence or actual-car car chase. Take a look at that fucking komodo dragon in that casino scene. It's awful. Fuck you.

Argo

Argo is great! I highly recommend it. It's exciting, well-written, well-paced, tightly edited. Alan Arkin and John Goodman are especially entertaining, although I could have done without four of the six "Argo fuck yourself" jokes. Less is more, Ben Affleck. I also could've done without the father-son scene at the end with the exaggerated slow pan across the shelf. WE GET IT BEN AFFLECK, WE SAW IT IN THE WIDE SHOT. But aside from those nitpicks, this was really a good movie.

AN ADDITIONAL VERY PARTICULAR SET OF SKILLS

You guys. Let's talk about Taken. That movie is completely amazing. So yes, we were all very excited about Taken 2, and got tickets to see it in the Cinerama Dome at 10 AM so we'd be sure to get good seats. It was not very good, but it did not disappoint! There is something to be said for a movie meeting your precise expectations.

The bad guys in Taken 2 are the most incompetent bad guys ever in a movie. They instantly fall asleep on watch, get distracted by sports on the teevee, and collapse in a senseless heap when 90-year-old Liam Neeson karate chops them on the arm. It's great.

The one thing I really wanted to see but didn't (maybe in Taken 3???) is Liam getting together with all his old Hawaiian shirt-wearing, steak-barbecuing retired spy buddies and going on an adventure. The scenes with those guys are seriously the best.

Taken 2: why not?

Pitch Perfect

I have an embarrassing confession to make. In the august year of 1992, I arrived at college to find a vast and mysterious a cappella subculture. It was completely absurd how many a cappella groups there were at Stanford at that time. I have no idea if the early 90s were a peak time for a cappella, or if it's still like that--jeez, it's probably even WORSE now, because of Glee--but it was absolutely ridiculous. I never stopped making fun of a cappella groups, but I also was a fan, because sometimes harmonizing is empirically rad.

So anyway, Pitch Perfect is about a cappella groups. And parts of it are awful, and parts of it are great, so it falls into that middle ground where it isn't so-bad-it's-good OR so-good-it's-good. It's just kind of okay. And I have had it with the gross-out "comedy". NO MORE PUKING OR SHITTING IN MOVIES.

The Master

This movie, I don't know. It didn't have much of a story, and I prefer stories over "atmosphere". But on the other hand, it was fairly compelling, so I didn't get bored or annoyed until the last half hour. Then I got bored AND annoyed. What do you guys think Philip Seymour Hoffman smells like? I bet he smells weird.

Oh also don't go to the Hillcrest movie theater in San Diego unless you want to get in a fight with a weird jerk girl at the popcorn counter. Even if you win, WHICH I DID, you will be irritated with your moviegoing experience. Don't get me started on the La Jolla Arclight. What a pile of shit.

Twilight: THE END

The Twilight films always make me squirm awkwardly in my seat, and the final chapter was no exception.  I was less squirmy than with the first Breaking Dawn movie (seriuosly, the end of that one...yikes), but this one had its share of awkward moments and horrible acting. 

I have to give credit where its due though, and admit that I was TOTALLY HAD by the ending, and am deeply shamed about it.

Favorite friend quote during the film goes to Margo, who commented as Bella and Edward entered their fairy tale cottage: "I think they need more lamps."  (Seriously, someone go count the lamps/light fixtures in that place.  IT IS CRAZY.)

All in all, this film actually wasn't terrible, though I suspect that my indifference to it has more to do with the fun I had seeing it with my friends than anything having to do with the movie itself.

Brave (DVD review)

I was a total slacker pants and didn't see Brave in the theater (even though I really, really wanted to), so I had to wait until it came out on DVD.

People--what was I thinking?  This was HILARIOUS.  God, I love Pixar.  Seriously--they have a way of writing not only a good story, but rounding it out with scary, funny, and poignant moments.  PAY ATTENTION FILMMAKERS.

Anyway, I rented this to watch it, and now I have to go buy it.  The characters are great, and our cocky heroine grows throughout the story through her mistakes.  There's also not a sappy prince/princess love story to deal with (though one could argue there's still a love story of a different sort).  Ah, I adored it.  Pixar continues to please me. 

Wreck It Ralph

It will come as a surprise to NO ONE that I liked this, seeing as its a Disney cartoon about video games. 

Wreck It Ralph is both cute and funny.  Yes, the character voiced by Jane Lynch is essentially her character from Glee, but it works as part of the video game world.  The movie makes fun of itself and video games without coming off as cheesy or hokey.  Excellent voice acting by John C. Reilly (who I love anyway), and Sarah Silverman, and I was pleasantly surprised by Jack McBrayer (Kenneth from 30 Rock) and Alan Tudyk.  Good work, team!

Hotel Transylvania

As I love both Halloween AND cartoons, I had high expectations for this movie.  I left feeling a little disappointed.

I'd only seen a couple of previews, and hadn't looked up the cast, but pretty early on I realized that the voice of Dracula was totally Adam Sandler, and then I couldn't stop HEARING/SEEING Adam Sandler.  It ended up being distracting, and sometimes obnoxious.

That being said, this movie had cute moments, and several laugh-out-loud funny ones, but it still relied far too much on fart jokes (seriously, within the first 5 minutes!)  Apparently kids these days aren't savvy and still love fart jokes.  I put this cartoon solidly in the middle of the pack.  I was mostly entertained and didn't hate it, but it had the potential to be so much better.

OH SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT THE EXPENDABLES 2!

Remember that part in the first Expendables where Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Willis meet in a church and proceed to create the most amazingly bad scene in the history of cinema? The Expendables 2 is that scene drawn out for 90 minutes. It's not pretty. Most of this movie is a terrible, lazy pastiche of awkward moments where old men--OSTENSIBLY ACTORS--struggle to deliver simple lines without looking right at the camera, forgetting half the words, or peeing their pants. The explosions aren't as good as in the first movie, and Terry Crews doesn't get to do enough awesome stuff. Jean-Claude Van Damme is a little piece of heaven, though, since he can actually act and seems to be making an effort. He's also still in awesome shape, so the scene where Sylvester Stallone is supposed to "win" a fight with him is very silly indeed. Oh, and Bruce Willis is acceptable.

LOOPER BLOOPERS

You guys, Looper is really good. Normally I leave futuristic time travel movies at least a little bit angry at plot holes and inconsistencies, but I bought everything about this movie. It's really well done, with good pacing. JGL's Bruce Willis makeup wasn't even as distracting as I thought it was going to be, and the face he made the whole movie was VERY entertaining.

Don't bother sticking around after the credits to see the Looper bloopers. There aren't any. Which hasn't prevented me from yelling LOOPER BLOOPERS every 10 minutes ever since I saw this movie three days ago.

Samsara

Samsara is a movie shot in 70mm, with no dialogue, just atmospheric music and a bunch of great shots of people and places. It's neato and well worth watching. What I want to talk about, though, is the audience that was at this goddamn thing--I've never seen so much gentle bafflement at the very simple goings-on of the Hollywood Arclight. Basically, when you buy your ticket you pick which seats you want, then you look at the seat numbers on your ticket, and then you walk to those seats. It's pretty straightforward. Unless you're a very stoned, or possibly just very stupid, person with tickets to Samsara, and then what you do is sit in the wrong seat and get really confused when other people ask you to move out of their seats. The situation is exacerbated by the equally stoned or stupid nature of the people asking you to move, as everyone involved compares their tickets and stares really hard at the seat numbers and hunches around from row to row. It is a very entertaining thing to watch as a non-stoned member of the audience. Also, we didn't have to yell at anyone for texting, so I guess what I'm saying is this was the best audience that's ever been in a movie theater.

Searching for Sugarman

Oh boy is this a good movie. Maybe I'll only watch documentaries from now on. So it's about this guy Rodriguez, a folk singer from Detroit who made two amazing albums in the early 70s but disappeared because no one bought them. No one bought them in AMERICA ("The Place That Matters!") but apparently everyone in South Africa did, and he got huge there but never knew it. Hijinx ensue, courtesy of some awesome and very sweet South African music nerds, and the rest of the story is more compelling and wonderful than the last 18 CGI mess blockbusters I've seen all put together.

Searching for Sugarman!

Killer Joe

My brother and his girlfriend and I walked out of Killer Joe after literally two minutes, so I can't really review the whole movie. I can tell you the first two minutes are FUCKING TERRIBLE.

We scooted over to the next theater and watched Searching for Sugarman instead.

TO BE CONTINUED???

Batman duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh Batman

The Dark Knight Rises is fine. Too much CGI. Not as good as the other Batmen. But fine.

Savages

This movie is basically the drug dealer version of Twilight,complete with irritating, one-dimensional characters and dialogue written by someone who appears to be legally retarded. What happens is, there is this beautiful romance between two dudes who grow pot and a really fucking annoying blonde girl. It all works, see, because they're all so different! Sensitive hippie dude is sensitive! Crazy violent Iraq war vet is crazy and violent! Dumb pretty blond girl is dumb and pretty! Together, they have a really awkward threesome relationship where either one person is sleeping alone every night or else there is far more homoerotic stuff going on than most straight guys would be comfortable with. I'm all for gender equality in terms of polyamorous relationships, but logistically I'm not buying this. I can't wait for the sequel, wherein dumb pretty blond girl reproduces but doesn't know which one is the father. Oh wait, I've already seen that - it was called My Two Dads. Anyway, everything is awesome until the goddamn Mexicans try to horn in on their business and decapitation and gunfights ensue. I am sorry to report that far fewer people die in this movie than deserve to. Oh, and John Travolta does some stuff.

Magic Mike!

There are some pretty awful things in this movie (the lead actress, the stupid club drug subplot, and anything that takes place outside of the strip club). But the great things (Matthew McConaughey, hot dudes doing stupid dances, Matthew McConaughey) are REALLY GREAT. Plus Soderbergh does show-offy director stuff like long shots with no cuts--check out the continuous-shot "stripper practice" scene (P.S. THERE'S A "STRIPPER PRACTICE" SCENE. HEY GUYS, SEE YOU AT "STRIPPER PRACTICE" TOMORROW!)--so that's pretty rad.

You guys, Matthew McConaughey is just the best thing. He's like a puppy riding a goddamn goat, that's how happy he makes me. That guy needs to win the Best Human award. Someday when I win the lottery I'm going to start a production company that only makes movies starring Matthew McConaughey and Nicolas Cage.

MAGIC MIKE!

Prometheus

I normally hate movies with vague storylines and lots of plot holes, so you'd think I would have hated Prometheus, because it's basically a billion plot holes held together with nice visuals and good actors. I knew it was going to be trouble as soon as I saw it was written by that guy who wrote Lost. That fucking show. I hate when writers set up too many complicated storylines that you know are never going to get tied up in any kind of satisfying way, so I bailed on Lost after the first season. But even through Prometheus is totally a mess story-wise, somehow I still liked it--it really looks great, and the pacing is perfect, and the performances are good, so I was entertained the whole time and actually do recommend it. After you see it, do me a favor and watch the Red Letter Media review. It covers everything.

Moonrise Kingdom

Moonrise Kingdom is pretty good. I like all Wes Anderson movies and really love some of them, but they were getting a little too twee even for me ("Too Twee for Me" is the title of my future autobiography), so I was glad when this one decided to have little kids handle most of the dialogue. The preciousness was much easier to take coming from children, and then I could concentrate on the set design, which was amazing as always. I also liked that the kids didn't seem like professional actors, so they were kind of mumbly and awkward. Don't worry, there's still a super-slow-motion "people walking somewhere" scene like in all Anderson movies. I really love that conceit and I hope he never stops doing it.

Movies I Don't Want to See: What to Expect When You're Expecting

We were in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago to see tiny singer-songwriter Paul Williams perform his greatest Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas-related songs, and it was great. The casino had a theater and we're too cheap to gamble, so after being all dressed up for the concert, we put on our sweatpants and went to see What to Expect When You're Expecting. Nobody wants to see this movie. It was exactly what we expected, so I can't really even get mad about it. I definitely can't spend the time it would take to list every thing that was horrible about it. And it's not like you need my warning to avoid this movie. If you saw it, you clearly also wanted to be eating movie popcorn in your sweatpants. And that's okay. Just don't let it happen again.

The Revengers

So bored by this nonsense. Two and a half hours is too long, especially when most of it is just CGI stuff bonking into other CGI stuff. That time would have been much better spent on Hulk ripping people in half and everyone else taking off their shirts.

Here's a picture of me watching this movie.

The Avengers

Holy shit, this was the best thing ever.

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS!!!!

You guys, don't read anything about The Cabin in the Woods, just go see it right now. It's incredible. I mean it.

Jiro Dreams of Sushi

This is a really excellent documentary with a whole lot of my two favorite things: FOOD and SLOW MOTION. It poses an interesting question about the meaning of your life's work--should you, like Jiro, focus on one thing until you're the best person in the world at it? Or should you, like me, learn a tiny bit about everything, do a "gritty reboot" of your career every 10 years, and accrue many thousands of dollars in student loan debt? I wish I were as passionate about one thing as Jiro and his eldest son are about making sushi, but on the other hand, I OH LOOK A BUTTERFLY!

The Artist

Within the first five minutes, I was sitting there with a giant grin on my face thinking, "THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER."

My only complaint is that I got a little tired of the main fella being depressed by the end of the film, but they redeemed themselves with a tap dance number. Good job, movie!

The Hunger Games

Unlike my fellow blogger, I actually liked this movie--I'd probably even pay to see it again, and it intrigued me into wanting to read the books (which I haven't read yet), so already its doing better than most things Hollywood is shelling out these days. I was entertained and not angry about editing or dialogue, and I quite enjoyed the performances from Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson and Woody Harrelson (who doesn't love Woody Harrelson?). However, I have to say that by far my favorite character was Seneca Crane/Wes Bentley's beard. That thing was fucking amazing.

The only part that I didn't like was the damn shaky camera, especially in the very beginning (pretty much everything that happens in District 12 before they get sent to The Capitol). Seriously, I had to look away from the screen several times because I felt dizzy. I don't know if it chilled out after that, or I just got used to it, but the remainder of the movie I was okay. Also, I want Jennifer Lawrence to be my new best friend, because she is freaking HILARIOUS in interviews.

21 Jump Street

This movie is surprisingly funny. It's too long by half, and the last chase scene is completely unnecessary, and neither of its leads is pleasant to look at, and it's way too bro-y/"bitches be stupid", but it has lots of genuinely hilarious moments and is fully aware of how absurd it is that it was ever made. Recommended!

The Anger Games

Yes, I read the book, and yes, I liked it, and yes, I was disappointed by the movie, and yes, I'm 38 years old and The Hunger Games was clearly not made for me. I get it. But I'm still mad, because in their slavering pursuit of idiot Twilight fans, whoever made this piece of junk really missed the opportunity to make a movie that appeals to everybody. Why wouldn't you do that? Even George Lucas managed to do that.

But Lady Blogpants, you're asking, if you are not in junior high school, why did you enjoy the book, which was written for kids in junior high school? Because it had a compelling story idea and was well-written. The movie had the same compelling idea, but failed because the story fell by the wayside. And also because of bad casting (Gale and Cinna--GIRL PLEASE), exposition of only the most obvious and least-needing-of-exposition plot points, shitty CGI (seriously, the "girl on fire" scene" looked like I did it in my computer animation class at ICDC College), failure to ground the story in any kind of dystopian reality, and goddamn SHAKY CAMERAS.

The horrible handheld camera work really got in the way of telling the story, to the point where you couldn't even see what was going on. That last fight scene was basically a Renoir painting. Why would you spend however many hundreds of millions of dollars costuming extras and creating complex sets if all you're going to show is a blurry half-second flash of it?

GET OFF MY GODDAMN LAWN, THE HUNGER GAMES!

Casa de mi Padre

I didn't see a single TV ad for Casa de mi Padre and had almost forgotten it was coming out. Then I read an article that said it was only being marketed to Latino audiences, which is pretty much the raddest thing I've ever heard, and also about the billionth reminder that I really need to be watching more Telemundo.

This movie is weird and awesome and you should probably go see it.

Dream House

Despite the fact that I don't get sick, I've been sick for two weeks. The only thing I want to do is lie on the couch and watch Alaska State Troopers, which has replaced old-timey Cops as the Best Show Ever. It's like Cops with moose. Every day I drag my tired, pathetic, croaky-voiced self to work and then just count down the minutes until I can be back home, lying on my peculiarly long couch watching Alaska State Troopers.

Today I was promised that a movie would be rented that was better than Alaska State Troopers, so I agreed to watch it. The movie was Dream House starring "I Guess I Should Have Read The Script Before I Agreed To This Shit" Daniel Craig. The movie was not better than Alaska State Troopers. It wasn't even better than Cops. I wish I could punch this movie in its weak-dialogued gimmicky-plot face.

John Carter

When I first saw the previews for this, I was like, "Meh." But then I got to talking to my Dad about it (who is to blame for my Sci-Fi love) and he started explaining the story to me and I got really interested--so we went to see it.

I actually quite liked it! The story was pretty solid; it had funny moments, the romantic parts weren't too gooey, it had a half naked hot guy doing cool things, and the most important part: THEY DIDN'T OVER DO THE SPECIAL EFFECTS OR FIGHT SCENES.

So often these days, filmmakers go way overboard with this 3D stuff and computer generated crap. It goes on for forever for absolutely no reason (I'm looking at you, pod race in Star Wars Episode 1, and also at you Davy Jones fight sequence over a swirling vortex of oceany death in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End). This movie didn't do that. The action/war bits weren't boring and drawn out, and they even cut to the fucking chase at one point by having the hero kill someone within seconds (when you thought you'd get stuck watching a fight scene). Well played, movie! Obviously there were special effects, and most of them were super great (especially the aliens). There were a couple of action moments where I could tell it was green-screen, but overall the special effects weren't crazy and ridiculous, which I appreciated.

The only bit I wasn't sure about was Taylor Kitsch's voice-over--it was pretty monotone. His actual on-screen performance wasn't as bad (though it may have been helped by the aforementioned half-nakedness.)

The Fartist

The Artist is very good, but I wish it had more dancing like it has at the end. I wish it had dancing all the way through. Oh, okay, I wish it were just an actual old-timey movie. It's fine, though.

But I did just see The Guard again, and holy fuck is that a good movie. Everything about it is perfect. Go see it.

What I Do Have Is a Very Particular Set of NOT FIGHTING WOLVES WITH BROKEN AIRPLANE BOTTLES ON MY HANDS

Yeah, The Grey is total bullshit. It's marketed as a movie where Liam Neeson fistfights wolves, but he does no such thing. He wanders around Canada thinking about his daddy issues, trailed by some dudes who get picked off one by one by some ridiculous CGI werewolves that wandered over from Twilight.

I do like the scene when Liam Neeson asks god to help him, and when nothing happens, huffs "FUCK IT, I'LL DO IT MYSELF." But that's immediately nullified by the fact he says this after rolling around in a river for about 20 minutes and then just chillin (HA HA) in his wet clothes on a snowbank, instead of LYING THERE BEING DEAD OF HYPOTHERMIA.

I saw this movie in a special sneak preview thing where the director did a Q&A afterward. In true idiot auteur fashion, he scoffed at how everyone in his focus groups said "hey, you know how this whole movie builds up to a wolf fistfight and then the screen cuts to black and the movie's over and there's no wolf fistfight? That's total bullshit." He thought those people were so foolish not to understand his vision that it was MORE ARTISTIC to NOT SHOW the ONE THING THAT EVERYONE WANTED TO SEE. But he directed The A-Team, so I guess he knows from good cinema.

The Grey

If you can think of ANYTHING ELSE WHATSOEVER to do, you should probably do that instead of watching this movie. I can't complain, because I received adequate warning but failed to give it proper credence. I'LL NEVER DOUBT YOU AGAIN, LADY BLOGPANTS.

Disneydisneydisneydisney

I've been informed that I'm a giant slacker, but in all fairness to me, all the movies I've seen in the theater recently have not been new.

That's right, kids. I'm talking about Beauty and the Beast 3D. And Lion King before that. (Okay, yes, I did see Sherlock 2---maybe I'll get to that in a minute. If you're lucky.)

Sooooo, Disney 3D. I think I've whined about 3D on this blog before, and I still think its dumb because my brain and eyeballs get so used to it after about 10 minutes that I don't even realize I'm watching 3D anymore. However, seeing movies I saw as a kid up on the big screen again is FREAKING AWESOME.

I remember no spectacular 3D moments from Lion King, but the opening bit of Beauty and the Beast was pretty cool (where it cuts through the forest to the castle).

I wish they could make these 3D things as awesome as the 3D in the Disney Parks--where things actually look like they're flying out at you? And also maybe with the special effects (wind/water spraying, smells, etc.) How fucking rad would that be?

Tinker Tailor Soldier TOAST

I had a very well-thought out, high-minded review planned for this very well-thought out, high-minded movie, but I wasted my day's allotment of brain cells trying to come up with a clever title for this review. Now all I can think about is the really loud toast scene. Holy crap, this movie has the loudest toast! Think about the loudest toast you have ever buttered and/or eaten, and then multiply it by about a billion. That would come somewhat close to being as loud as the toast in this movie.

That's the deal with this movie. It bombards you with overwhelming detail, within which the important pieces of the movie are subtly interwoven... nope, can't do it. Still thinking about toast.

Lady Blogpants' Top Five of 2011!

THE BEST FIVE MOVIES OF 2011: YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST! (Probably actually not, since we're three weeks into 2012) (Also, I haven't seen The Artist yet, so there may be a revision to this list next week)

5. Trollhunter
A fine Norwegian movie about a guy who looks like my dad and also hunts trolls.

4. Young Adult
An excellent Patton Oswalt vehicle with one predictable plot flaw.

3. Bridesmaids
A solid comedyfilm with lots of laffs, needing only a tighter edit to be a true classic.

2. The Guard
An excuse for Brendan Gleeson to be totally rad. Keep an eye out for the buddy cop movie I'm writing for Brendan Gleeson and Liam Neeson. Not sure what to title it.

1. Attack the Block
HOLY SHIT ATTACK THE BLOCK!!!

Warrior!

I can't believe Lady Blogpants hated this movie, but I think it has to do with how she also overlooks the awesomeness of MMA fights on tv, which are unarguably awesome. Really fit, sweaty, scantily clad dudes pounding on each other purely for my viewing enjoyment. I don't see what's not to like. I will concede that this movie would have benefited from less dialog.

Sherlock Holmes 2: Book of Secrets

I have no idea what happened in this movie. There was a lot of mumbling and CGI things flying around but that's all I could figure out. I don't even have the energy to be mad at this thing, that's how dumb it was. Plus I just watched the first episode of Season 2 of the new BBC Sherlock series, and it's so many millions of times better than Sherlock Holmes 2: On Stranger Tides that I'm just going to pretend the movie never happened. Ahhh.

Mission Improbable 4

I was on board with this entertaining cartoon for the first 90 minutes, but it continued for at least another 30 minutes after that, so I got real small and crawled into my empty popcorn bag for a nap.

I miss Jim Henson

The first act of The Muppets is completely fucking amazing. It kind of winds down from there, with some way-too-slow parts, far more Amy Adams acting precious than is absolutely necessary, and a strange, unsatisfying ending. As my friend Courtney pointed out, it felt like a movie that had been meddled with by producers way too much. Jim Henson is sorely missed, and Disney can go fuck itself. But it's still a Muppet movie, and when the theme song from The Muppet Show started playing I got VERY excited, so I recommend this thing for your eyeballs.