Cinemarella's Best and Worst of 2010

I'm keeping it short and sweet this year.

WORST MOVIE OF 2010: LEAP YEAR
I fucking hated this movie. I went in with such high hopes, because the trailer looked so cute, and I love Matthew Goode and Amy Adams--but no. My hopes and dreams for this film were crushed and scattered, much like the movie theater popcorn that littered the theater's floor. Adams' character was so unlikable that you didn't want her to get EITHER of the guys, and if you can't root for one of the main characters in a rom-com, what the hell is the point? Ugh.

BEST MOVIE OF 2010: HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
Yes, I'm picking an animated feature. But how can I not? So funny, with great dialogue and voice acting, a great all around story, plus the cutest dragon in all creation. Instant win! This is also the only movie this year that I actually purchased on DVD, which I think says something.

Happy 2011 everyone! Let's hope Hollywood gets it shit together the coming year.

The King's Speech

Not bad at all--Geoffrey Rush is fan-fucking-tastic. Colin Firth can do no wrong, of course, even when he's in an otherwise horrific film*. It felt kind of slow at parts, but there was enough humor spattered throughout to make it worthwhile.





*Don't let me kid you, I totally love What a Girl Wants...I can't help it!!

Tangled

This was cute. I didn't think the songs were the best, but the dialogue and story made up for it--funny and sweet. Zachary Levi and Mandy Moore both did a great job with the voice acting, and the animal sidekicks were hilarious.

TRON

Open disclaimer: I did not want to see this. I was convinced that I needed to (someone actually said to me, "How can YOU of all people, not want to see Tron?")

And so by the sheer force of peer pressure (everyone ELSE was going), I did. With that in mind, I can tell you that I did not hate this movie. Parts of it were cheesy, most of the dialogue was pretty bad, but the graphics were pretty and I liked the action. I'll leave it to Lady Blogpants to fill you in on the best/worst line in the whole damn thing.

ETA: I forgot to mention that my biggest complaint about this movie was that the young kid didn't look ANYTHING AT ALL like the adult actor he was supposed to have grown up to be. He had dark, curly hair and BROWN eyes, whereas the older guy had sandy hair and blue eyes. WTF CASTING DIRECTOR?

The Next Three oh who gives a shit

BOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

I would feel vindicated for the 2 hours of my life wasted in this movie only if Russell "Chubby Face" Crowe and Elizabeth "Could I Be More Annoying" Banks pummeled each other to death MMA-style after the credits. This did not happen, so I remain angry.

Review of people going to watch the movie "Burlesque"

Here's the deal. When you are standing in line at the movie theater concession stand to purchase snacks, you can reasonably assume that at some point this transaction is going to require you to hand over money. So please tell me why, after standing in an interminably long line while the weakest link behind the counter tries to figure out how to put soda in a cup, you get up to the counter, spend 5 minutes putting in a somehow complicated order for coke and popcorn, and then have to spend an additional 5 minutes searching for your wallet. Did you think that your order would coincide with that long-anticipated moment in human history when everything would suddenly become free? Were you going to barter for it? Were you maybe just going to flash your boobies and then run away? I don't understand why you were caught so off-guard when Ear Spool Guy told you that you owed him money. "What? I owe you 9.75? Well, I never. Here, let me spend a really fucking annoying long time looking through my giant Mary Poppins purse looking for this alleged money that you so surprisingly asked for."

In conclusion, this story symbolizes everything that is wrong with America.

Rocky's commentary on the above situation: How do you know they were going to watch Burlesque?
Jen's response: How do you know I'm not going to punch you in the face?

Another Short Movie Review: Burlesque

I was promised that this movie would not be as bad as Glitter. This turned out to be an accurate assessment, but it also makes clear another issue, which is that "not as bad as Glitter" is not saying much.

Unstoppable

DENZEL WASHINGTON IS TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT! CHOOOO CHOOOOOOOO!

Weird Science II: The Social Network

This movie is pretty amazing because it's the perfect nerd fantasy: everyone will cheer you on while you write code, then Asian chicks will give you blowjobs because you invented Facebook, then you make a million no a BILLION dollars, and then you make fun of jocks to their face and they can't do anything about it because you're in a room full of grownups in suits. Also: everyone will be SUPER DUPER PSYCHED about Facebook the very first time they hear about it, because in this world Friendster and Myspace don't exist.

Yes, it's fictionalized, and makes no bones about it, so I don't want to hear your "but thiiis part wasn't truuuuue" baloney. Why would anyone want to know the truth about how some nerd invented Facebook? Oh, you sat around writing code and then you put it on the internet and then you got some venture capital? Oh. If I wanted to watch that for two hours I'd zorp back to 1997 and visit every single one of my friends who were doing the same thing.

Good ol walkin talkin Aaron Sorkin does a tremendous job of making it obvious which parts are extra-fake, mostly by inventing obvious coincidences: oh hi, inventor of Napster who happens to live across the street from me and was staring right at my chimney when it fell down so you came over to check if everything is okay and yes you can join my new business! Oh hey twins, I just heard about your big boat race--on FACEBOOK! That boat race scene is one of the coolest things I've seen in a movie in a long time, by the way.

Oh, and the Winklevoss twins are really really great. I just found out they were played by ONE GUY through the magic of digital wizardry, so he goes on my list of people who should get nominated for a best supporting actor Oscar but probably won't be.

THE SOCIAL NETWORK!

Catfish

This movie is the biggest load of stupid indie bullshit I've ever seen. The only reason anyone goes to see it is because it's marketed as a movie full of MYSTERIOUS QUESTIONS, namely WHAT WILL HAPPEN? and IS IT REAL? Let me answer both questions for you. ANNOYING SHIT will happen and IT IS NOT REAL. After the first minute, I leaned over to my brother and said "it's fake." After the first ten minutes, I leaned over to him and said "if this doesn't end in a bloodbath I'm going to be VERY disappointed." After twenty minutes we weren't even bothering to lower our voices anymore and were just telling the stupid main character how much we hated him.

Now I don't want to spoil anything for you, but let's just say OH WAIT I DO want to spoil everything for you because this is a TERRIBLE MOVIE YOU SHOULD NOT SEE. There is no bloodbath, the whole goddamn thing is made up, and at the end the "dumb" guy magically unspools this whole ridiculous allegory about CATFISH so you're like "oh, how wonderful that this REAL NOT FAKE PERSON came up with the perfect allegory about his situation which ENCAPSULATES THE WHOLE GODDAMN MOVIE in a TOTALLY NATURAL AND UNMANUFACTURED WAY despite the fact that he's supposed to be HALF RETARDED."

FUCK YOU CATFISH!

Crappy movie I can't wait to see: Secretariat

Holy cow, I can't wait to spend 2 hours watching Disney ruin the story of Secretariat! I can't imagine how seeing the movie will affect my review of what will surely be a classic Disney smorgasbord of ridiculous exaggeration and inaccuracy coupled with a cozy feel-good story, but I guess I should wait. I am looking forward to seeing how they make us all empathize with the richy-rich blue-bloods of Thoroughbred racing, possibly the most removed-from-reality people on earth. Secretariat is not exactly a rags-to-riches story; he's more of a really really fucking rich to even more really really fucking rich story.

That being said, I seriously can't wait to spend two hours watching horses run around on the big screen. I hope they don't muck it up showing stupid Diane Lane all the time.

Another short movie review: Easy A

Thanks for ruining Huck Finn for everybody, asshats.

I am way behind!

My goodness, I have seen THREE movies and not reviewed them! Let's get to it!

The Other Guys: funnier than I thought it would be. Marky Mark has such a weird face, though. Do you think his eyes and eyebrows and lips and hair and everything are all the same flesh color as his face, and he has to draw them in every morning? And do you suspect everything on his face has the texture of Silly Putty, so you have to be careful not to touch it lest your fingerprints become a permanent part of it? Me too.

Piranha in 3D: total boob and blood extravaganza, with superfluous Richard Dreyfus and Christopher Lloyd reprising their best-known parts from other movies. I don't care if you see this or not.

Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World: This was the last chance I was giving Michael Cera to prove he can play a character other than George Michael Bluth, and he actually pulled it off, playing a prick you end up rooting for anyway. This movie is way better than the commercials suggest, really entertaining actually, and if there were any justice in this world Kieran Culkin would get a best supporting actor Oscar nomination. There isn't, though, and he won't.

The Other Guys

I feel like I should have liked this movie more than I did--it was funny, I was entertained, but I also felt like it wore itself a bit thin--jokes went on for too long, parts were too cheesy. It had such potential.

The Explodables

It's not every day you get to see a straight-to-DVD movie in a theater. Also, the Willis-Schwarzenegger-Stallone scene is the best worst scene in the history of cinema. So you should probably go check out The Expendables right now.

The Nicolas Cage's Apprentice

Spoiler alert: THIS IS A FUCKING KIDS' MOVIE.

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

I had high hopes for this one, especially when Lady Blogpants and I saw Jerry Bruckheimer's fancy logo before it started. "This bodes well!" she said, and I agreed. Alas, I'm of the opinion that we totally jinxed it.

Nicolas Cage was pretty much the best part of this movie. Don't get me wrong, I love Jay Baruchel (he did the voice of the main character in my favorite movie so far this year), but I felt like he was stifled and his humor under-used.

Things were too corny, too sappy; it was like watching a giant cliche. This could have been SO MUCH better. (Also, SPOILER ALERT, "The Prime Merlin-ian"?? SERIOUSLY? Who bought this script? God, Disney, get your shit together.)

The best part was when Nicolas Cage yelled the line "BECAUSE I CAN READ MINDS!" and Lady Blogpants burst out laughing. I think the people around us thought we were nuts.

Another short movie review: Jonah Hex

Was it really so hard to find two matching plain bay horses that you just hoped we wouldn't notice that in some scenes, Jonah Hex's horse has a white star on his forehead but in other scenes, he has no white at all? I WAS NOT FOOLED, JONAH HEX.

P.S. Scientific tests show that I would, indeed, still do Josh Brolin despite the presence of massive facial scarring.

Eclipse

This movie comprises solid scientific evidence that a one-dimensional world is not, in fact, just a theory. I can't believe people actually like this movie or any of these characters or can sustain interest in this "storyline" for longer than 5 seconds. I think the Peeps version was better acted (What do you mean, nobody has made a Peeps version yet?). I've watched more interesting hairballs. Why on earth would two boys fight over Robot Bella, who is blander than vanilla icing on vanilla cake and has no discernible personality whatsoever? I heard that at one point in the movie they started using a cardboard cutout of Kristen Stewart instead of the actual human to save money, but they had to switch back because the cardboard cutout was too emotive.

There is a Facebook group called "When I was your age, it was Buffy and Angel, not Edward and Bella." Hmph! I knew Buffy and Angel, and you, Edward and Bella, are NO Buffy and Angel.

Knight and Day

I don't know what it is, but somehow I am falling more and more in love with Tom Cruise. Maybe I like crazy, I don't know.

Meanwhile, I rather liked this film. The ending is predictable, but kinda sweet, and Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz make a pretty good comedy duo. That being said, they show pretty much all the good parts in the damn trailer, which makes them less funny/anti-climactic when you're watching the actual film (douche-bag trailer-maker-person), but all in all I liked it. I don't know that I'll ever own it, but we'll see.

If you're unsure based on my review here, I should probably inform you that my mother LOVED this movie, wants to see it again, and has been downloading various songs from the soundtrack. Take that how you will.

ETA: Because I can't spell.

Jonah Hex

I knew nothing about this one going in, except that Megan Fox wears a corset in it that makes her waist look TEENY.

Happily, it actually didn't suck. It came off as quite comic-booky, which is good since it apparently was one. Megan Fox didn't annoy me, and Josh Brolin is always awesome (residual Goonies love).

Also, this movie has one of my celebrity boyfriends in it (though, really, he's only my celebrity boyfriend in his 300 incarnation), as a pretty excellent minion of the main villain (John Malkovich, who is also pretty good, in case you care).

All in all, entertaining, stuff blows up, people die. Yay action films!

Twilight: Eclipse

So of course I went to see Twilight III, and it was awful. But it wasn't any worse than I knew it was going to be, so I don't really have anything to say about it. I feel like we've come to some kind of agreement. The Twilight series agrees to have horrible writing, acting, and special effects, and in return, I agree to be in a movie theater eating popcorn.

Since I don't have anything useful to say, here's a picture of a DVD cover my brother and I photoshopped, printed, and used to replace the original cover on a Jennifer Garner movie we rented three years ago.

Get Him to the BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO [inhaaaaale] OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Shrek: The Final Chapter

I think they should make a series of spin-offs staring Donkey and Puss-in-Boots, because those two are hilarious. They steal the show.

For it being the "Final Chapter" it wasn't a bang!wow! movie, but it was cute and funny in parts. How to Train Your Dragon still stands as my favorite animated feature so far this year (though, the upcoming Toy Story movie has potential). I should probably admit, though, that I refused to see this in 3D (because I think this whole 3D fad is stupid and I'm never impressed) so maybe I missed something.

On a more random note, I was disturbed that I was deeply amused and intrigued by the new Cats vs. Dogs promo that played before this movie. Might have to go see it.

Iron Man 2

DISAPPOINTING.

Letters to Juliet

Pretty cute. I didn't hate this one (unlike some OTHER ROM COMS [I'm still bitter]). That being said, I much preferred the love story between the two older people than Amanda Seyfried and the English kid, mostly because I was more amused by the English guy being a prick (awesome!)

The ending of this movie was completely lackluster, but the idea and first 3/4's were fun and cute.

Iron Man 2

Me likey.

Mickey Rourke makes a fantastic villain, and I wish I had Scarlett Johansson's figure.

In other news, Robert Downey Jr. is still awesome and Don Cheadle is much more awesome without a fake British(ish) accent.

Kick Ass

Kick Ass is not very good. It has a couple of good moments, mostly due to wise music choices, but otherwise is boring and dumb. This movie needed about 500% more Nicolas Cage and 1000% less Kick Ass kid.

OH BOY IRON MAN 2 COMES OUT THIS WEEKEND!

Movies I Don't Want to See: Sex and the City 2

Ugh I just sat through the goddamned trailer for Sex and the City 2 and I almost killed myself right there in the movie theater. It was pretty much the worst thing I've ever seen. I can't put my finger on what's most depressing: seeing Sarah Jessica Parker in a lady tuxedo, hearing that tranny one from Big Trouble in Little China saying the words "Abu Dhabi", or knowing that a lot of women are going to go see this piss-drenched horrorshow and actually enjoy it. And then they're going to try to act like the horrible assholes of Sex and the City 2 (The Skankening) like it's a thing people should do. OK, I guess that last thing is the most depressing.

Now here's the rub: I didn't hate that TV show. I didn't love it, and I was annoyed by the "ladies love brand-name shoes" conspicuous consumption, but I liked that it was about four women who were friends. They didn't compete with each other or steal each other's menfolk, they were just friends, like normal ladies are in real life but hardly ever on the teevee. But that first movie, holy fucking hell, what a nightmare. All those stinky bitches did was change their outfits and have sex with gross dudes. It had none of the charm or humor of the original. Terrible. But you know what's more terrible? SEX AND THE CITY 2!

I mean, in this godforsaken thing, stupid turkey leg wearing a wig Sarah Jessica Parker walks into some sparkly room or whatever and actually says "We're not in Kansas anymore!" IN THE TRAILER SHE SAYS THIS. OH AH HA HA HA HA NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE. Even James Cameron had second thoughts when he had the bad guy say that line in Avatar. Oh, he used it anyway, but he hesitated for a moment and thought "wait, is this TOO hacky?" And I don't think it was in the TRAILER. Wait, was it? Actually, I think it was. OK, so cleverness-wise, at best Sex and the City 2 is at the Avatar level. AT BEST. Is this what we should be striving for, women of America? Is this what you want in your entertainment? AVATAR-LEVEL CLEVERNESS?

OMG YOU GUYS I'M SUCH A "MIRANDA"!!!!!!!!

Date Night

Date Night is pretty good. Some of the jokes are bleh but more are funny, plus there's a car chase that's at least 60% real cars driving around and crashing into each other, not just shitty CGI + someone jiggling a camera. This movie is no Hot Tub Time Machine, but it's a solid comedyfilm.

Clash of the Titans in Three Dee!

An Open Letter to Future Jen: The next time you're going to go watch a 3D movie, please remember that 3D movies make you want to hurl.

The 3D part of this movie isn't even that great. Overall, it was actually a little boring and the action more chaotic than interesting, but if you fill the screen with enough hot demi-god I can watch pretty much anything. However, I would like to point out that the flashing of hairy man-leg under a short tunic is not that sexy.

Additionally, I am over the Friesian horse fad. I don't mean this in a racist way, but Pegasus is supposed to be white, not black! Take your designer horse trend to another venue. I blame you, Martha Stewart!

How to Train Your Dragon

As expected from DreamWorks these days, very cute and funny (also made me teary!) Not quite up to par with the wonderful Kung Fu Panda, but still fun.

I found Gerard Butler's voice a smidge distracting, but it might be because I watched Timeline the night before seeing this, and his Scottish accent was fresh in my mind. But don't worry, everything else (including awesome voice actors in Jonah Hill, Craig Ferguson, America Ferrera and Jay Baruchel; and the cuteness of that damn dragon) makes up for it.

ETA: I also forgot to mention: the music is awesome! And in case its not clear enough: I would totally pay to go see this again and I'll most likely own it ;)

HOT TUB TIME MACHINE!

Holy fucking shit, Hot Tub Time Machine. I haven't laughed this hard in a movie theater maybe ever. It's perfectly cast, tightly written, well-edited, and is probably the smartest "stupid" movie ever made. I cannot recommend this movie highly enough. HOT TUB TIME MACHINE!

I Was Right

Yeah, Alice in Wonderland was boring as crap.

Alice in Wonderland

Johnny Depp's version of the Mad Hatter in this movie consisted of him mixing up a bunch of his other characters (including, but not limited to, Jack Sparrow, Willy Wonka and James Barrie, with a dash of Ichabod Crane and maybe some Sweeney Todd), with horrible results.

The only parts of this movie I liked were Anne Hathaway and the Cheshire Cat.

Movies I Don't Want to See: Alice in Wonderland

Tim Burton is working my last goddamned nerve with his derivative bullshit and his sticking his stupid wife into every movie. I really don't want to see Alice in Wonderland, but I probably will because it's playing at the Vista and at least I'll get to dance to the jazzy pre-movie song about POPCORN! SODA!

Shutter Island

This movie would be a fantastic psychological thriller except for its near total lack of psychological thrills and general non-fantastic-ness. However, I didn't hate this movie as much as Mary. I got to sit in a theater and eat popcorn and drink soda and watch Leonardo di-what's-his-face run around a spooky island, which is not a bad way to spend a snowy afternoon.

When in Rome...

I did not have high hopes for this one going in, but was pleasantly surprised. I liked it! It was funny, and seemed to make fun of itself a bit, which always pleases me. This is the movie I wish stupid Leap Year HAD been (and could've been if they'd tried harder).

I mean, its a Rom-com. You know how it ends. But in-between there were some quality funny bits. Also, Anjelica Houston is awesome.

My only major beef is that Rome looked much cleaner than I expect it would in real life. One day I will actually go there and find out.

Shitter Island

OK, here's my theory on Shutter Island. Leonardo DiCaprio had some Boston accent left over from his role in The Departed and didn't want to waste it, so Martin Scorsese just said "ehh, let's throw it in this crappy screenplay I just got the rights to."

Also, you know how all the film nerds (me included) hated the very last shot in The Departed? When the stupid rat runs along the stupid railing all "GET IT? THIS MOVIE WAS ABOUT A GUY BEING A RAAAAT!"? Well, Marty throws about a hundred thousand rats into a scene in Shutter Island APROPOS OF ABSOLUTELY NOTHING just to say "fuck you, film nerds. You didn't like my one rat? How about these hundred thousand rats? Huh? How you like that?" [wiggling eyebrows]

He also got his hands on a cello and a piano and did all the music himself. HOOOOOOONK! ME AND LEO CAN DO IT ALL OURSELVES! WE DON'T NEED YOU, FILM NERDS! PLINK! PLONK!

Boy, I did not enjoy this movie at all.

Saint John of Las Vegas

Pleased to meet you, Saint John of Las Vegas. I'm Saint Mary of Bored Out Of Her Goddamn Mind.

Avatar

I liked this movie better when it was called Dances with Wolves. That was a shitty movie, but at least it wasn't a shitty video game. Plus it had buffalo.

Up in the Air

Jeez, I saw this movie about a month ago and haven't bloggered on it yet. Let's see. It has Clooney and airports and that lady from The Departed. I don't have anything snarky to say about it--it's original, really well done, and very truthful, with the best female characters I've seen in a long time, and a great ending. I'm not saying you'll love the ending, I'm just saying it is what it has to be. I am trying very hard not to spoiler this movie, which is really hard because there's also a kick-ass cameo. MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY. Oh shit I couldn't help it.

The Young Victoria

I love me a historical drama. The Young Victoria was intriguing and pleasant and mostly focused on Victoria and Albert, so of course I was on board. I actually found myself wishing it had gone on a bit longer (shocker!). Take that as you will.

Nine Is Terrible

If you go to Nine hoping to see Daniel Day Lewis's character from There Will Be Blood burst into song, I am here to tell you you will be sorely disappointed.

Open Letters to Various Persons Affiliated with Crazy Heart

Dear Maggie Gyllenhaal's character in Crazy Heart,

Were you really surprised to find out the alcoholic musician twice your age, whose nickname is "Bad", didn't take good care of your son at the mall? No one is that dumb, even if they have a craaaaaaaaazy heeeeaaaaart.


Dear Robert Duvall's character in Crazy Heart,

You were the only good thing in this god damned movie, but even you couldn't save it. Thanks for at least being played by Robert Duvall.


Dear Jeff Bridges, star of Crazy Heart,

Shame on you. You know better.


Dear Scott Cooper, writer, director, and producer of Crazy Heart,

Fuck you, Scott Cooper.

Sincerely,
Lady Blogpants

Oh God, I am a fangirl.

Dudes. I *am* a James Cameron fangirl!

As previously discussed, it appears that I love me a good James Cameron version of a love story. Which are almost always tragic and make me cry (Avatar being an exception, aside from the crying part).

Sunday night I was flipping through channels and happened upon The Terminator.

Now, I've seen T2 a zillion times, and seen PARTS of the original one, and knew the basic gist: Arnold and other dude travel to past; other dude is protecting Sarah, ends up fathering John Connor in a weird, time-warpy twist. Good times. But I'd never actually WATCHED it. And now that I have, I totally love it. Who knew that the Terminator had a love story in it?! And of course, love story=tragic. Damnit. (Also? Arnold is fucking creepy as the terminator. Yikes!)

I may be overly emotional. (Kyle + Sarah 4evr!) Or I just need a date and am living vicariously through movie romances. Toe-may-toe, Toe-ma-toe!

P.S. Anyone know if Aliens has a love story in it too?

Leap Year

Instructions:

1) Go watch the preview for this movie.

2) Congratulations! You have now seen the entire plot (and can guess the ending), without the annoying parts, bad acting and horrible dialogue, PLUS saved some money!

You're welcome.

Avatar: Revisited

Last weekend Lady Blogpants and I went to see Avatar in THREE DEE (she hadn't seen it yet, and I kept having everyone and their mother tell me I had to see it in THREE DEE). I have to say that while some scenes were particularly cool in THREE DEE, in many places it was actually distracting and, at one juncture, made me a little queasy.

Anyway, I still like this damn thing. I can't really explain why? I mean, the CGI is of course awesome, but the story is completely predictable, a lot of the dialogue is lame (though not nearly as lame as in the Twilight movies), and its a little cheesy.

Then again, I'm one of those people who still LOVES Titanic, years later, and it still makes me cry. Maybe I'm just a James Cameron fan-girl and never realized it? Or a sucker for a love story.