Cinemarella's Top Picks of '09

Because I can't seem to find/think of five whole movies I liked enough to make a Top Five, I decided to break this down by category. Without further ado:

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
Up!

Hands down. Awesome story telling, great computer animation, great characters. If Pixar can tell a man's life story in five minutes with no dialog and still make me cry, the rest of Hollywood needs to step it up.

BEST ZOMBIE MOVIE
Zombieland.

Duh. Gruesome, hilarious; the awesomeness of this movie renders me speechless.

BEST ACTION MOVIE
Star Trek.

Oh Hollywood...you have proven that you still have the cajones to not only make a funny, poignant, awesome action movie, but a Sci-Fi one as well. KEEP IT UP!!

BEST SUPERHERO MOVIE
Watchmen.

Soft-core porn and weird mutant cats aside, this movie was rather awesome. Again, a mixture of poignant moments, humor, action, and blood really work well together. Who knew?

Lady Blogpants' Top Five Movies of Aught-Nine!

This was a very good year for movies. I usually can't come up with five I didn't hate, let alone five for which I have a metaphorical movie boner. Now that I've made you thoroughly uncomfortable, here's my list! In ascending order of awesomeness!

5. District 9. I went into it skeptical and came out with my eyes falling out of my head. I can't wait for the sequel. Seriously, I'm not waiting. It's happening now.

4. The Hurt Locker. If you thought Point Break was Kathryn Bigelow's best movie, you're still right, but this one is a very close second. It will break your heart and your brain, plus it's got the best homoerotic army wrestling scene THIS reviewer has seen in years.

3. Star Trek. Attention Hollywood! This is how you make a good action movie! They should show this in movie class. I also love the little touches like the early scene where someone gets sucked out into space and there's suddenly NO SOUND except for all the nerds in the theater going oooooooooooooooooo.

2. Observe and Report. I don't really even have words. This movie is just so goddamned good, and so woefully underrated.

1. Zombieland. HOLY CRAP ZOMBIELAND!

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Sexy Gentleman Fistfight

A movie set in Victorian London, starring Robert Downey Jr. and featuring an old-timey-sounding soundtrack where banjos and concertinas speed up and get loud during fight scenes? YES PLEASE!

Sherlock Holmes

In case anyone was curious, apparently the entire city of Reno is a HUGE fan of Robert Downey Jr., because the theater was PACKED for HOURS for this thing.

Despite the crowds, I much enjoyed this movie. Weirdly, my favorite part was actually Jude Law's Dr. Watson. He and Downey make an awesome-sauce team. Don't fret, though, RDJr. is also awesome, if a little eccentric (I don't think I've ever actually read a Sherlock Holmes story [I suck, I know], so I'm not sure if that's how he's supposed to be?)

Fun story, good action, good humor. You should go see it! Unless you live in Reno, and then you might want to wait a week :P

The Princess and the Frog

Like I'm going to say anything bad about this. It's cute and funny and you should go see it. The end.

P.S. The supporting characters Ray and Louis are awesome.

Avatar

I was iffy about this movie initially, mostly because I thought the trailer looked like poo. I hadn't planned on seeing it. And then there was the buzz! Nominated for a Golden Globe! Either Hollywood was kissing James Cameron's ass, or it was actually decent. So when my boss suggested we all see it has part of our holiday team lunch/movie event, I went along for the ride. And guess what?

I liked it! Still a little computerized for my taste, but not horribly--the aliens actually looked real-ish, texture-wise (except for the eyes...lets try to get the eyes right next time, team). Good story (made me cry, but most things do). I'd probably even go see it again in the theater, which is saying something.

Lady Blogpants stole the best "New Moon Sucks" title.

This movie was a lot like the book, which is to say that it was somewhat entertaining but also completely ridiculous.

R. Patz is retarded for thinking Kristen Stewart can act. SHE CANNOT. Then again, neither can he. The only good actors in this movie were Billy Burke (Bella's dad) and Michael Sheen (creepy Aro).

Lining up to see this movie, I thought I saw quite a few Twi-hards or Twits or whatever they're called, but there was an awful lot of laughing during this film (especially during the retarded flash-forward to Bella as a vampire and Edward skipping through the forest all "tra-la-la!" coughlamecough).

Also, why must they make poor Jackson Rathbone (Jasper) look so horrid? He's a good looking kid, I swear!

I was vastly disappointed with the crappy wolf CGI, and angry that Rachelle Lefevre is not going to be in the next one. She was creepy and didn't even have any freaking lines (which is probably a blessing for her, really).

The best part of this movie-going experience for me was the first time Jacob/Taylor Lautner took off his shirt and someone in the audience gasped rather loudly--the rest of us laughed at that person (but secretly agreed).

Boo Moon

Bella: I am the most boring person on earth.

Edward: You're right. You even bore me, the most boring vampire. Cullen out!

Bella: Booo hooo. I know that sounds sarcastic, but that's because I'm not a very good actor. I am seriously sad. I think I'll go lead my suddenly hot friend Jacob around by his dick for a while. Not literally, we're Mormons.

Jacob: I love you. So does my wig.

Bella: I just want to be friends but I'm going to lead you on the whole movie. Have I mentioned I'm an asshole, in addition to being boring? Check out my motorcycle! VROOM!

Jacob: Oh, you cut yourself. I'd better take my shirt off.

Me: YAY! HOT INDIAN WEREWOLF JAILBAIT!

Bella: Considering I used to date a vampire, it is taking me an absurdly long time to figure out this guy is a werewolf. Especially considering he told me all about his tribe being werewolves in the last movie...OH MY HECK YOU'RE A WEREWOLF!

[Shirtless Indian werewolf muffin-eating break!]

Me: WOOOO! MUFFINS!

Bella: Well, I just can't get interested in the fact that werewolves and vampires exist. Most people would find that at least somewhat intriguing. Not me. I'm so bored I'm going to jump off this cliff or whatever.

Jacob: Saved you! Ooops, my shirt seems to have fallen off in the process.

Me: You're pushing it, kid, but I'm going to let it slide.

Lady Vampire: Bella! I drove this product placement here to tell you Edward is going to get Dakota Fanning and Tony Blair to kill him! In ITALY!

[Bella and Lady Vampire go to ITALY. I wish there had been a scene of them reading magazines on the airplane and making awkward small talk.]

Edward: Time to get sparkly and let Dakota Fanning and Tony Blair kill me. I'd better take my shirt off.

Audience: OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR NIPPLE?

Edward: What? Which one?

Audience: THAT ONE THAT ONE AAAGHH!

Edward: I don't see it. US Weekly says I have a beautiful body.

Bella: Edward, I forgive you for dumping me. Please put your shirt back on. You're kind of bumming everybody out.

The Volturi: Hiiiiiii!

Me: AAAAAAAAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

THE END.

2012! 2012! 2012! 2012!

YAAAAY EVERYTHING FALLS DOWN AND CRASHES INTO EVERYTHING ELSE WHILE ALSO HORIZONTALLY CHASING JOHN CUSACK ACROSS THE EARTH'S CRUST YAAAAAY!

More specific comments:

It was honestly confusing that the Nicolas Cage part was played by John Cusack.

It was also confusing how Jeff Goldblum was black in this movie, but I didn't have a problem with it per se.

President Danny Glover missed several perfect opportunities to announce "My fellow Americans...I'm too old for this shit."

And I didn't need the last half hour of the movie to be about stupid people trying to close the stupid hatch on the stupid futureboat in the stupid Himalayas. I want these "a small number of humans escape the apocalypse" movies to wrap up with detailed explanations of how they rebuild civilization, including where they poop in the meantime.

Otherwise YAAAAAAY 2012!

Thank God for outsourcing

Short Movie Review: Law Abiding Citizen

They say great movies, like great literature, teach you something about yourself. I don't know if I'd call this movie great, but I do know that I learned something very disappointing about myself: Despite the fact that I sometimes have fantasies about torturing people who have done bad things to me, apparently I would not be able to conduct the actual procedure myself, judging from my inability to even make myself watch movie character torture.

Michael Jackson: THIS IS IT

That was it?

Just kidding, just kidding! Despite the mixed reviews this film got, I actually really enjoyed it. It made me very sad that I would never be able to see Michael preform, though. God, he was amazing. His movements (especially arms/hands) reminded me a lot of Fred Astaire. Also, how rad were his backup dancers? Yowza.

My mother joined me for the viewing, and when it was over asked me if I thought it was weird they never really showed him interacting with anyone (which I didn't think was really true), but my take on it was that they were trying more to show what his tour show was supposed to have been like. Which would have been fucking awesome, in case you were wondering.

Also, I want to learn the Thriller dance.

Clooney + Goats? YES PLEASE!

When I found out there was a movie starring Clooney, goats, Jeff Bridges, and the oft-naked* Ewan McGregor, I penciled it into my calendrical filofax--with a PEN. And I am happy to report "The Men Who Stare at Goats" does not disappoint. Well, that's not entirely true--the first half hour mostly disappoints, but if you can hold on until Jeff Bridges shows up, you will be delighted for the remainder of the movie.

Don't believe the bad reviews--they were written by dumb people. This movie has flashbacks, goats, lots of Jedi metajokes, and dancing mustachioed Clooney, and apparently is mostly a true story. One and a half thumbs upward! (The half thumb deduction is for the slow start).


*I'm talking full frontal ding dong naked. Not in this movie, unfortunately.

Zombieland!

There's not much I can say that Lady Blogpants didn't already say in her short, yet succinct, review of this movie.

It is awesome. Go see it. That is all.

My only minor disappointment was that I was informed that it had the "best cameo of all time" and I disagree. The person in question is indeed awesome, but I don't know if I agree that they're the most awesome "cameo of all time." Sorry.

(However, dressing up as a zombie is almost as awesome as this movie! God, I love Halloween time.)

HOLY CRAP ZOMBIELAND!

Faithful readers, I implore you: run, don't walk, to see Zombieland right now. This movie is ten thousand kinds of awesome.

The Informant!

I didn't put the exclamation point on there because I was all excited about this movie. It's actually in the title. The music provides most of the punchlines, and that's something I hadn't really seen done well before, so hooray for Marvin Hamlisch. I was never angry or bored during The Informant!. So if you want to take that as a recommendation, fine. It's a free country.

I did spend much of the movie thinking about what a big deal Matt Damon made about gaining a million pounds so he could be Fat Damon for the role, and how he didn't even look very fat. I call bullshit.

Oh man, Zombieland comes out this weekend!

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

This one is pretty cute, and fairly funny. My only major complaint is that the jokes are repeated so much that they start to get old. The idea is super cute, and the voice actors are superb (the fact that I love Bruce Campbell has no influence on my opinion whatsoever). Ahem. I recommend seeing this if you're in the mood for something light and funny, but only if you pay the matinee price. Otherwise wait for the DVD.

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas (DVD Review)

This movie is super good. The end is depressing, as I'm guessing you would imagine, but its depressing in a way you will NEVER EVER GUESS.

Seeing the holocaust through German eyes (both sympathetic to the Jewish people, and not) was super interesting and new.

RENT THIS NOW. But have a box of tissues nearby.

P.S. Keira Knightley's boyfriend (aka: the guy that could be Orlando Bloom's brother) is scary as hell in this movie. I knew I never liked Mr. Wickham.

National Treasure: Book of Secrets (DVD Review)

....

Okay, don't get me wrong. I love a good puzzle-solving, scavenger hunt type movie, and I really liked the first National Treasure, but I have several issues with this one. I enjoyed everything, even, until they went to Mount Rushmore. But then things got a little out of hand. The archaeologist/historian in me went batshit insane.

I was going to type my actual thoughts and grumbles here, but decided in the end to spare you all. I assure you, however, those ramblings involved the words, "fucking insane"; "insulting"; and "HELLS TO THE NO". None of the writers did any kind of research including, but no limited to, actual HISTORY. Douchebags. (I know its just a movie, but while you can fudge the date a little of when the HMS Resolute was decommissioned, its a little different to supplant an entire ancient culture...but I digress).

But the first part was fun! And I love Riley. THE END.

P.S. The Olmecs had nothing to do with fucking Mount Rushmore. MEXICO, people. Assholes. (the writers, not the Olmecs).

Random smattering of reviews from some older movies I've watched lately

Due to lack of anything decent being in the theaters (imho), and my lack of being in a town with a movie theater anyway, I've become addicted to the previously unnamed-movie-rental-through-the-mail's latest and greatest idea: Watch movies on your computer!

Dudes.

While adding movies to my queue recently, I noticed that I could play some of them and decided to try it out. IT IS AMAZING.*

Here are a couple of of the most recent movies I've watched and my thoughts, since I can't bring you reviews any other way at the moment:

The Other Boleyn Girl
~Scarlett Johansson=awesome.
~Natalie Portman=awesome, because I hated her character.
~Eric Bana=hot.
~I imagine the book is 20 times better than this movie, and therefore I want to read it.
~I didn't love or hate this movie. I'm neutral about it. The costumes were pretty!

Interview with the Vampire
~Tom Cruise before he was crazy! I think? It's hard to say.
~Aw, how precious was little Kirsten Dunst?
~Holy shit, Brad Pitt was fucking hot. I did not appreciate it at the time this movie came out (when I was 12/13).


*I should note that I have a 22" widescreen monitor (yes, I have a gaming addiction), which means my computer screen is bigger than my actual TV. Sad, yet true! So your viewing experience may vary.

District 9

DISTRICT 9 YAY!

Please don't fuck up the sequel. Please don't fuck up the sequel. Please don't fuck up the sequel.

Julie and Julia

OK, I loved Julie Powell's blog and book, and who doesn't love Julia Child? She's the Willie Nelson of cooking (no one doesn't like Willie Nelson, see). So I was simultaneously excited and trepidatious about Julie and Julia. Isn't that interesting? This review is off to a great start.

The Julia Child parts are pretty great, but the Julie Powell bits leave much to be desired. Amy Adams is way too cutesy-poo an actress to play this part. In her writing, Powell comes across as a sarcastic, funny person who enjoys cooking and sometimes has cooking setbacks. While her bloggery did end up to be life-changing, she only admits it in a slightly sheepish way, as is right and proper. In the movie, Julie is a harebrained twink who minces and cries and flails around like a god damned fool, while making melodramatic pronouncements about how life-changing her blog is.

It also really bugged me how her husband eats everything all aggressive Cookie Monster-style, open-mouthed with lots of horrible noises and food flying everywhere. We get it. You like her cooking. Go back to acting class.

The good thing about this movie is it made me want to go re-read My Life in France, so I guess I recommend it.

The Hurt Locker

This movie is directed by the lady who directed Point Break, and stars a guy from Modesto. Needless to say, it is totally fucking awesome. It's also a good reminder that HEY THERE'S A WAR GOING ON IN IRAQ. Hooray for Hollywood!

Sorrrrrryyyyyy

I have actually seen tons of movies lately but haven't been keeping up on my reviews. I'll write them now! Keep reading!

Real life sucks

You may have noticed the horrible decline in reviews lately. This is because we (unfortunately) have real lives wherein we can't sit and watch movies all day and then write about them. Boo hiss. Apparently we need things called "paychecks." If someone would pay us to sit and watch movies and review them, I'm sure we'd all gladly jump at the opportunity.

Several of us work in a profession that involves going to places where there are not movie theaters (sad, yet true!) and sometimes not even internet or cell phone service (GASP!) It's as horrible as you can imagine (akin to viewing Fear.com or maybe Cruel Intentions). Others of us are in graduate school. I'm seriously considering reviewing movies I've never seen but am getting through an unnamed movies-through-the-mail service. Just because. Prepare yourselves for my Pulp Fiction review! If I ever get around to watching it!

Anyway, hopefully things will pick up soon. I need buttery popcorn and Sour Patch Kids, stat.

I refuse to spell this movie's title the way it's spelled.

The original Inglorious Bastards is a pretty amazing movie about a ragtag group of American outlaw/scallywag type soldiers on their way to army jail when their MPs get killed and they decide to carry out a mission against the Nazis. It's very entertaining. So when I heard Quentin Tarantino was going to make a remake, I figured it either wouldn't be quite as good as the original, or would be way better.

Wrong on both counts! It's way worse! First of all, unnecessary misspelling of the title for no good reason. Boo. Contrived. Second, I know it's not really supposed to be a remake of the original, but then why the hell use the same title? Then, the movie is supposedly about this group of Jewish Nazi-killers, but stupid Tarantino barely even introduces any of them so you don't give a crap about any of the characters. Having Brad Pitt trot out one of his backwoods accents is not enough. There's a secondary story (actually, it's sort of the primary story) about another vengeful Jew which could have been totally fucking awesome, and it does have a good payoff, but without enough buildup to make you really feel the catharsis one should feel when a Jew burns down a theater full of Nazis. Spoiler alert.

What this movie doesn't have: context, good storytelling, human interest, or innovative visuals. What it does have: the same old soundtrack, a lot of inane conversations, and another chance for Quentin to bring up his creepy foot fetish. Yuck.

HARRY POTTAH

Ginny Weasley is the most boring, expressionless character THIS reviewer has seen since that monotonette from Twilight. That works out, though, since Harry Potter is basically a British Flat Stanley.

THAT'S RIGHT I'M DOWN WITH KIDS I KNOW WHAT FLAT STANLEY IS! TAKE THAT, KINDERGARDENERS OF AMERICA!

Ha ha, I originally typed "kindergartenders" and then had a hilarious vision of 5-year-olds mixing my drinks at the hipster bar I went to last night. Can you IMAGINE the hijinx that would ensue?

Anyway, Hermione is a decent actor and although Ron Weasley only has one facial expression ("about to puke"), he's more or less mastered it. But Harry, my goodness. No. Luckily for these child actors, Jim Broadbent showed up in this movie and awesomed it up pretty good. I really like that guy.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Not my favorite of the Potter films, but not too bad. Was pleasantly surprised with Rupert Grint's facial expression as Ron overcame the effects of the love potion. Was not pleasantly surprised with the Harry/Ginny kiss (spoiler alert)! Zzzz.

Thought the end with Snape should have been more dramatic, though I spose we all know why it wasn't.

Lots of funny moments, but I also spotted several moments when I thought things were either edited weirdly, or the dialogue was lacking. C'mon Hollywood, step it up.

I don't have a lot to say about this, which is sad.

How to Ruin a Seemingly Unruinable Movie

Take an iconic Depression-era bank robber.

Remove all items of interest from his story.

Add dialogue so horrible even Johnny Depp can't save it.

Also, add Batman. But not the cool Batman. Just the frowny actor who plays him.

Fuck you, Public Enemies.

Movies I Don't Want To See: G-Force.

Okay, so we all know by now that I'm the kid-movie junkie that loves animated features and iCarly on Nickelodeon (or...maybe you didn't know that last bit, but its true. That show is funny, yo). I am apparently a 12 year old in a 27 year old's body.

But this G-Force thing? OMG you guys.

It makes me ashamed to have ever been even remotely associated with Disney. Srsly. What were/are they thinking?

Besides the obvious stupidity and ridiculousness, I was annoyed that the preview talks about a secret government organization of animals, and yet all the main animals in the movie are guinea pigs (and a hamster (?) and a fly? What?). Dude. Where's the dog? The bunny, even? (I am aware that Disney hates cats). The witty and lovable goldfish?? ARGH. Where's the horse kicking ass and taking names?

For shame, Disney. FOR SHAME.

Year One

Like the rest of the world, I am damn tired of Jack Black's schtick. However, I am still totally enchanted by the low-key comedy stylings of Michael Cera, so I went to this movie to see if the latter made up for the former. It does, but barely. BARELY.

I don't really care if you go see this movie or not.

The Hangover

Yeah, this is one of those movies with some really funny bits and some really "really? That's what you went with?" bits. The former are mostly improvised by Zach Galifianakis, and the latter are mostly things someone lifted directly from Old School. Using the exact same "dirty wedding singer" as in that movie? Really? I get that you're trying to be clever and meta, but your little in-joke is ruined if you shove it all up in our faces and let it play out for way too long. This is the equivalent of the guy who repeats Family Guy jokes over and over because clearly, the more he says them, the funnier he is.

I like all these male-centered Apatow/Ferrell-esque comedies, I really do. They are usually funny, and I'm used to females not being front and center in the comedy genre as a whole (memo to Hollywood: Renee Zellwegger or Sandra Bullock falling down does not equal funny. Where's my Maria Bamford vehicle?). But I'm pretty tired of movies where all the female characters are either shrews who don't want their boyfriends/husbands to have fun, or stupid whores. Can't you people come up with anything better?

I'm also not all that entertained by a Mike Tyson cameo. The dude is a rapist. Ha ha.

Up! in THREE DEE

Up made me laugh, cry, and laugh until I cried. It was also in 3D, but once again I was a little disappointed that things don't pop out at me all crazy, like they do at the 3D shows in Walt Disney World, especially since they charge you $3 for freaking 3D glasses. Anyway, very good, more serious and sad than I expected. The dogs are the best part ;D

Also, I just realized I'm a total ass and never reviewed Star Trek! I agree with Lady Blogpants, though: SUPER AWESOME! I laugh and cheered and I want to see it again and again!

My summer movie going experiences are starting out with a bang. Hooray for Hollywood! da da da da da da da Hollywood!

STAR TREK YAY!

When I was younger, my second-favorite Saturday morning cartoon was Muppet Babies (First favorite: DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS!), so clearly I have a soft spot for this particular conceit, and I was very excited to see Star Trek.

AND I WAS RIGHT TO BE EXCITED IT'S THE BEST MOVIE EVER YAY!

Hollywood insider item! My brother's roommate saw New Kirk at their neighborhood bar the other night. He asked the bartender about him and the bartender said New Kirk and New Spock go there all the time BUT NEVER TOGETHER.

Wolverine

I approve of this X-men prequel thingy. Hugh Jackman (or as my mom likes to call him, Jack Hughman) does his thing as usual, and we get to see his ass. A+

Also Liev Schreiber is in it and I love him too. We don't get to see his ass. And he's not necessarily hot, what with crazy canines and claws, but I'm willing to look past these issues.

I was worried about how Gambit would turn out, but he was alright. My only complaint was that he had a generic southern accent rather than a Cajun accent. But he was pretty (and more baby faced than I expected) and his special effects were cool, so he passes.

My only other major complaint was that for some reason Wolverine's CGI metal claws LOOKED CGI. I can't remember having that issue with them in the other X-Men movies, so I dunno whats up here. I feel like the color/lighting on them was off somehow. I shouldn't be able to obviously tell things are CGI these days, you know?

I can't comment on the story because I wasn't ever into the comics (only the Saturday morning cartoon) so I don't know if its true to the comic or whatever. I'm sure my fellow nerds have something to say on that matter elsewhere.

Orange Skull Loves Lips Skull 4-Ever

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past is not a very good movie, but if you must see it, please strive to seat yourselves in front of The Couple That's Never Seen a Movie Before, as we did. We are very familiar with The Lady Who's Never Seen a Movie Before, but the couple was new to us. Oh, the delight they took in every hackneyed line and predictable plot turn. I really wish I could see the world through the eyes of this couple--everything would be so new and entertaining. They even loved the commercials before the previews. During the movie, the male half of the duo enjoyed noting out loud whatever happened, sometimes two or three times:

"He grabbed her tit!"

"The cake fell down!"

"She farted and fell off the mountainside!"
(Okay, not really, but that guy totally would have loved this).

Anyway, yeah, this movie is your standard uncharming rom com. Boy grows up with girl, boy gets bad relationship advice from Michael Douglas, boy becomes dick, girl becomes doctor, dick digs up the corpse of Charles Dickens and skull-fucks it, doctor falls in love with dick, and everyone lives happily ever after. Speaking of skull-fucking, Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Garner are all cheekbones and chins, so when they kiss they look like two skulls clonking against each other like something out of the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland. It's gross.

Observe and Report!

Holy crap this is a good movie. I haven't liked a movie this much in a while. Every time it could sell out and get schmaltzy or over-the-top wacky, it pulls back and then ratchets the awesome up another level. I want to take this movie to the county fair, buy it all the funnelcake it can eat, and win it all the giant stuffed animals and "Appetite for Destruction" painted mirrors.

Adventureland: It's not as fun as you would think.

The preview for this movie made it out to be all silly teenage comedy, fart jokes and nut-punching and the like. In reality, this movie is a painful but sincere coming-of-age story with a heavy dose of nostalgia; there is a good deal of nut-punching, but it‘s tastefully done.

The main character, James, has just graduated from college in Pittsburgh in the mid-1980s and planned on spending his summer touring Europe, but due to Those Tough Economic Times (as opposed, obviously, to These Tough Economic Times), he must instead get a summer job. Turns out all he’s qualified to do is work at a run-down amusement park, where the main qualification seems to be wearing a park t-shirt and not giving away giant-ass pandas, even at knifepoint. Of course, over the summer he falls in love with a girl, fucks it up, but then gets her back. Oh, spoiler alert (in case you’re that person who’s NEVER EVER seen a movie before and didn’t figure this out in the first 5 minutes).

Blah blah blah, that’s the predictable part. The part I didn’t expect is how the flawed characters and semi-tragic situations evoked an overwhelming sense of nostalgia about similar events in my own past. Maybe it helps that I actually did spend one of the worst summers of my life working at an amusement park (I made $3.35 an hour!), but Tilt-A-Whirl experience is not necessary to get something out of the movie. It’s hard not to watch James and his friends being underwhelmed by the paths their lives have taken and not remember when you first started to realize that what you were told in grade school is not true - anybody can’t be president, after all.

I resent this movie for making me think about all the stupid shit in my long-ago youth that I wish I hadn't done.

The Day the Earth Stood Still (DVD review)

So, I was kind of exited about this movie, being that I am and was reared by a giant nerd (hi dad!)

It had some pretty awesome special effects, and for once Keanu Reeves mannequin-like performance worked for his character (he was actually, dare I say it, CREEPY). I did like that there was a bit of a "biological" twist--though I would rather have seen Gort stomping about destroying everything, and zapping people with his laser. I also appreciated that there was actually a part where the earth did, in fact, stand still!

However, THEY NEVER SAID THE FAMOUS LINE!* "Klaatu barada nikto!" One of the most famous nerd lines ever! (behind "May the Force be with you," of course). DUDES.

When the credits began rolling, my brother, father and I just sat there and looked at each other in stoic silence. My nerd spirit has been broken.


*There is a part, when Klaatu first comes off the ship and Gort comes to his rescue, where he MIGHT say "barada nikto!" but its not very intelligible and therefore, doesn't count.

Twilight: A DVD movie review!

Oh boy this was great. The whole movie looked like Twilight had already come out and this was a parody of it. I pretty much burst out laughing everytime there was a dramatic slow motion vampire entrance shot. I also liked how the vampire makeup was just white cream smeared on their faces. Not their necks or anyplace else, just their faces. Also I couldn't get over how weird looking Robert Pattinson is. He has cartoon hair, a weird shaped forehead and needs to take a crap. He pretty much spends the whole movie looking like he's either in pain or getting hit with overpowering waves of gayness. I also liked how they constantly show the rest of the guys in the high school as immature. They're hyper and run around acting like you should act in high school (how childish to act your age!). The main girl can't relate to them because we all know that sitting around brooding or laying in a forest staring at a guy is way more fun and adultlike. God laying in a forest would suck. You would totally get your butt wet and there would be bugs all over the place. Also I can't think of anything more boring than staring at someone. Oh wait yes I can: Twilight!

The best part was when suddenly out of nowhere they play VAMPIRE BASEBALL!!! What is that you ask? Oh. It's where vampires play fucking baseball! In baseball outfits. My other favorite scene is when he throws the girl on his back and runs up the hill and his legs move all fast motion comedy style like in Baron Munchausen.

Also the main vampire dad guy should have been played by Matthew McConaughey.

Nicolas Cage Sees the Future

I am a huge Nicolas Cage fan. I liked him when he was just a semi-weird comic actor in Moonstruck and Raising Arizona, and I liked him even more once something inside him snapped and he started being a totally awesome "dramatic" action dude/monster man (The Rock, Con Air). I love that he has only five emotions: drunk, yelling, solving clues, sweating, and freaking the fuck out. Whenever I see a Nicolas Cage movie I don't really hear the dialogue because in my mind he's just saying "Nicolas Cage Nicolas Cage NICOLAS CAAAAAAAGE!" (I'm pretty sure that's what he's saying in his mind too).

That being said, of course I enjoyed Knowing, but I kind of wish Monsieur Cage had kicked it up a notch. He's as yelly/sweaty as ever, but given that he's reacting to things like The End of the World, his acting choices are incongruously appropriate.

Two annoying things about this movie:

1. It's pretty much a 2-hour commercial for Ford trucks. And Priuses, strangely, although those are mostly just there for Nicolas Cage to crush with his F-150. Need to steal a closet door from a school and bring it home so you can peel the paint off it and read the apocalyptic messages a psychic schoolgirl scritched upon it 50 years ago? Put it in the back of your truck and take it home! Built Ford tough! Like a rock!

2. Its take-home message that people who believe in God and fate are right and MIT professors who believe in evolution and chance are wrong, even though the believers turn out to be totally off-base since it just so happens that God is actually ALIENS. Spoiler alert.

KNOW1NG!!!11!!

Dudes. Seriously. Words cannot possibly describe this movie (or Nicolas Cage's hair).

Or maybe words can, but definitely not sentences.

Ahem: (beware! spoiler alert!)

Creepy child. NUMBERS! Time capsule! NICOLAS CAGE! Science! NUMBERS! Crashes! Explosions! Aliens! Annoying child actors! Fire! Moose! Subway! Woods! EVERYONE ELSE! Oh noes, the sun! (ok, that was kind of a sentence). Spaceship! Tree!! Bunnies!!!

P.S. I think Joss Whedon and/or James Marsters should sue for likeness violations--the aliens all looked like Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. EXCEPT THEY CREEPED ME OUT (every time they were on screen, I was literally covering my face with my hands. Yes, I'm a wuss. I hate scary movies).

P.P.S. I think Blogtastic, Lady Blogpants and I spent most of this movie laughing AT Nicolas Cage. And his hair. And his acting.

Booplicity

If I am to judge by Duplicity and The International, Clive Owen has embarked on a personal mission of trying to bore me to death. What did I ever do to you, dude? I loved Children of Men. I do not deserve this.

Guys, this movie, ugh. So little of interest happens in it. It tries to be Oceans Eleven but forgets to make the main characters interesting, which is I hear is sort of crucial. Julia Roberts reprises her character from Notting Hill, who is basically a dick, so I guess that's interesting if you're a cinema professor trying to think of movies to show in the undergrad class you've decided to title "'Tis Pity She's a Dick: Julia Roberts and the Early 21st Century Genderschnurze". God, you're kind of pretentious. Was it really necessary to make up a German-sounding word?

Oh man, I wish Clive Owen would've just done a shitty Hugh Grant impersonation through this whole movie. That would have been amazing.

Having given up on writing an interesting plot or characters, whoever made this piece of junk opts to throw in bongo drums, super-slow motion and split-screens every once in a while, but he doesn't fool us one bit. No he doesn't. Well, maybe a little. Bongo drums are pretty sweet.

Taken, or, Did you know Liam Neeson was still alive?

This movie is one giant hassle caused by having to save a stupid spoiled rich girl. I could have saved these people a whole lot of time with one genius concept: let the little bitch die. Conversely, maybe they shouldn't have given a 17 year old enough money to travel around Europe following U2 (??) all summer with no chaperone and only her slutty friend Amanda for company. Don't they know the slutty girl always dies (oh, spoiler alert, sorry)? Well, except in real life, where she just gets all the boyfriends.

I also especially like how noone gives a shit about the entire rest of the sex slave ring victims. Ladies? Have you seen this one girl? No? Okay, you may go back to spending the rest of your life being drugged, raped, and tortured. You'll probably die soon anyway.

Another Short Movie Review: The Watchmen, aka Blue Balls!

Dr. Manhattan: I'm just going to split myself into four different men so three of us can get busy pleasuring you in an incredible and other-worldly manner while the fourth is saving the entire planet.

Laurie (Rocky and Bullwinkle style): a-GAIN?

I think the best synopsis of this movie is the New York Times reviewer's explanation of the "R" rating: It has extreme violence, a naked blue man, and some superhero sex.

Watchmen

I liked this movie, but I could have done without the soft-core porn intermission (my fellow reviewers will probably disagree on that point). Patrick Wilson has a pretty nice butt, though.

Speaking of Patrick Wilson, I kept flashing back to him as Raoul from stupid Phantom of the Opera, which nearly ruined it for me (okay, it didn't really almost ruin it for me, but it was certainly distracting.) Luckily, he has better hair in this film (sad, but true!)

And speaking of hair, Matthew Goode (whom I love in Chasing Liberty, don't kill me--it has Mark Harmon in it! And Jeremy Piven!) had HORRIBLE hair. Totally a wig! I could totally tell! ARGH. And the long eared tiger was random. But Matthew makes an excellent villain (SPOILER ALERT!)

Rorschach is AWESOME, and the actor who played The Comedian looks a little like Robert Downey Jr. Just sayin'.

ETA: P.S. The music is awesome (and I can't spell).

Who Watches the Watchmen?

I do! Hooray!

The Internationzzzzzzzzzz

Here are some thoughts that went through my head during this movie.

Minute 1: Uh oh, is this going to be one of those complicated movies where I don't understand anything?

Minute 5: Oh boy someone got poisoned! This movie's going to be exciting!

Minute 15: Hi Naomi Watts! I liked you in Eastern Promises! Ooh, is this movie going to be like Eastern Promises? It has Armin Mueller-Stahl too. That's eastern promising. Good one, Mary. Thank you.

Minute 30: Hold on, is this just a legal procedural? Did I just sign up to watch two hours of Law and Order? I was led to believe there would be explosions, and some nudity on the part of Mr. Owen.

Minute 60: This is the most bored I've ever been.

Minute 70: Halftime show! Shootout at the Guggenheim! Fuck you, modern art!

Minute 80: Bored again.

Minute 100: Is that Sting? What is Sting doing in this movie? Oh, boring the crap out of me.

Minute 120: I knew we should've gone to Tyler Perry's Medea Goes to Jail.

Another Short Movie Review: The International

I could watch Clive Owen walk around being scruffy sexy for hours and not complain, even if he weren't in a movie. There's a movie, too? Great!

I have two main complaints about this movie.
1. Not enough nudity. WTF, male directors? The ladies need some action, too. The guy never even takes his shirt off - is that really too much to ask?
2. This is less an action thriller than a suspense thriller*, but there is one awesome scene in the Guggenheim that makes the whole damn thing worthwhile. However, it takes so long to play out that I nearly injured myself à la Grandpa Simpson in the backseat of the family car because I couldn't go to the restroom before it was over.

*If you want to get technical, neither "action", "suspense", nor "thriller" are words that can be accurately applied to this movie.

Another Short Movie Review: Confessions of a Moron-aholic: I Love Lucy Goes Full Retard

Girl: Finances are too hard for silly girls to understand! If I use clothes metaphors, maybe it will make more sense to us dunderheaded females!
Dude: Aw, isn't the stupid clumsy girl hot; perhaps I would like to do her.

They do it.

The End.

Movies I Don't Want To See, Exhibit B: Confessions of a Shopaholic

Unfortunately, I actually did see this movie. I blame the liberal media. Here is a synopsis:

Female Idiot: CLOTHES CLOTHES CLOTHES HONK BEEP

Male Idiot: RIDICULOUS CONTRIVANCES SQUAWK CHOMP

Female Idiot's Friend: I'M EYES AND A MOUTH ON A SKELETON BLAAAAAHHHHHH!

[Joan Cusack needs a new agent]

[John Goodman eats half the cast]

Female Idiot: LIE LIE LIE ISN'T IT ADORABLE HOW I'M AN ASSHOLE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR WITH HORRIBLE TASTE IN CLOTHES PEW PEW PEW

Male Idiot: SHOPPING! MAGAZINE!

[We descend to another level of hell with the appearance of JOHN FUCKING LITHGOW]

Female Idiot: BEEP BEEP BONK

Male Idiot: WEEEEEE OOOOOO WEEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOOO

Me: Well, it's not like I didn't know what I was getting into.

Movies I Don't Want to See, Exhibit A: He's Just Not That Into You

OK, first of all, why would I want to go see a movie adaptation of an advice book? Unless that advice book is "How To Blow Up A Bunch of Shit In Slow Motion", I am not interested.

Second of all, I can't take two hours of Scarlett Johansen and her weird voice and her complete lack of facial expressions or acting ability. Are we that desperate for non-eating-disordered actresses that we'll fall all over this one just for having hips? I, for one, am not. Bravo for eating food, ScarJo, but I'm afraid your key to the city was just given to Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger III.

Third of all, I love a good crappy rom com as much as the next halfwit, but I don't need any more movies telling me how vapid and neurotic I am because I am a single lady. Are there really women out there who do nothing but shop and dream about weddings and obsess over tiny dudes (seriously, I bet I outweigh Justin Long and that guy from Entourage put together)?

I mean, I know there are, I've seen Rock of Love on a Bus, but I refuse to believe they constitute a large enough demographic to drive the whole rom com genre. Of course, I also refuse to believe that there are hotels for dogs.

Slumdog Millionaire, Or, The Importance of Being Poor and Earnest

This movie was relatively entertaining considering it contained cardboard cutouts instead of actual human actors. What? Those were real people? In that case, I have a considerably less favorable opinion of it.

There are 4 people in this movie. Bad Guy #1 (there are actually several of these, but they're all basically the same character), Bad Guy #2 (who does one not-completely-shitty thing in the end, so I guess that makes him Complicated), Pretty Girl, and the male lead, Boring Nice Guy, who spent the entire time walking around being Earnest and Innocent such that I wanted to slap the wide-eyed expression right off his Precious Moments face. Still, this movie is worth watching, unless it's Saturday night and there's a new episode of Cops on.

Defiance

aka: Up Liev Schreiber's Nose or How Pretty Are Daniel Craig's Eyes?

I'm too lazy to do my normal format for this , so I'm just going to summarize:

Too many up-close shots. Liev Schreiber and Daniel Craig are cute and all, but I don't need to see up their noses or their pores in excruciating detail. kthxbai. Also, there were a few cheesy dialogue moments.

Other than that, I liked it. An interesting story, and who doesn't love a movie set during WWII?

(Wow, that was much easier than how I usually do things. I might have to give up on my candy-themed reviews.)

Defiance

Dear Hollywood,

More Nazi-killing set to klezmer music please!

Sincerely,
Lady Blogpants of Renotowne

P.S. Thank you, Defiance, for giving me a new variation on the "That's Your Boyfriend" game: "That's Your Forest Husband".

The Soloist

What is the fucking deal with The Soloist? Its trailer has been playing before every single movie I've seen for at least six months. The thing still doesn't even have a release date--the trailer just says "Spring". Not even "Spring 2009". Just "Spring". For all I know, it's spring 2011. Probably is. Don't know what's going on with my sentences right now.

Oh, and also this movie looks completely horrible. I'm sure that's just a coincidence. God damned Jamie Fox and his no eyebrows inspirational schizophrenic homeless cello-playing character make me want to kill myself.

Another Short Movie Review: Milk

I have never been so elated at a suicide as I was when Harvey Milk's obnoxious Latin lover Jack Lira hanged himself near the end of this movie.

Other than that, this movie was compelling and entertaining enough that I only slightly noticed that it is 12 hours long (there's an intermission in the middle, just like in Gone With the Wind) and that according to this account, Harvey Milk was completely devoid of political ambition for his whole life until one day he's all, "Hey, I'm gay, and on a slightly related note, perchance I will run for office."

p.s. I did NOT cry at the candlelight memorial procession. NO, I DIDN'T. My contacts were bothering me.

Spongebob Millionaire

I liked Slumdog Millionaire all right. It was basically just Trainspotting in India, only not as good and thankgodfully free of horrible rotating-headed dead babies that crawl across the ceiling towards me AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH. That is seriously one of the few movie scenes I cannot bear to watch. At all. I will watch Ewan McGregor diving into a toilet one million times before I will watch the terrifying Trainspotting baby again. That thing scared the holy hell out of me.

Anyway, regarding Slumdog Millionaire, I'm not sure what all the awards fuss is about. It's a decent movie, slow in parts, with a teeth-grindingly one-dimensional female character. She might as well have been a blow-up doll with a bindi. The movie is saved mostly by its child actors, who are totally fucking adorable. There's a sentence I've never written before. I hereby float the theory that non-American child actors are less annoying than American ones.

SPEAKing of comparing things, Slumdog Millionaire isn't that great a movie, but it's about a slumdog million times better than Benjamin Butthole. The Oscars are usually a pretty big joke, but this year, hoo boy. Someone let Mickey Rooney into the nominations room again.

Milk

Milk is really an extremely good movie. I don't have anything critical to say about it.

OK, that's not true. One thing. Sean Penn as gregarious gay New Yorker Harvey Milk sounds an awful lot like Sean Penn going full retard in I Am Sam. But you'll get past that. It's a fine film.

CC: Yes Man

Ah Jim Carrey. You look so old these days. But you're still funny!

Good and Plenty:
~Bradley Cooper. Hello. I know I've seen you somewhere before, but can't remember where. You're rather handsome. Please call me.
~I didn't realize this movie actually took place in L.A. until a scene where Jim Carrey goes to Spaceland. Where my friend's brother's girlfriend totally used to work! Which makes me sad, for being so naive, but also super excited! I recognized the ATM by the front door! WHEE!
~I loved the interaction between Carl (Jim) and his boss.
~On that note, the guy who played his boss (Rhys Darby) was awesome. I don't think I've seen him anywhere before, but he was hilarious.

Sour Patch Kids:
~One particular scene, which I won't spoil for you but which Lady Blogpants totally guessed, made me totally squirm.
~Got a little tired near the end.
~Zooey Deschanel, who I actually like, DOES really look like Katy Perry. And in this movie, her character sings. This wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't gone on FOREVER.